Grouchy Mood

That's exactly the way I seem to be feeling right now -- I am a GROUCHY PURPLE MONSTER.

It seems that just about everything that happens winds me up and makes me sad, weepy, angry, frustrated, anxious, and generally upset.

The biggest part of that, is feeling horribly angry and frustrated about the situation with T's mother. As of yesterday, they had moved her from intensive care to the neurological wing in the hospital. She is more awake -- or at least, her eyes are open and tracking on people as they move around her room. They've begun transferring her to a chair for part of each day, having her sit up some. She can hold your hand with her right hand, and she sometimes squeezes your fingers. There is still no language of any sort. Everyone is involved trying to talk to her, calm her, explain things to her ... but we don't know what, if anything she actually understands. She can't swallow, and so they will be placing a feed tube into her stomach this week.

T is wearing herself out. Trying to be at work, trying to be here -- and wanting to be there. She is so worried. So sad. So brave and so strong. It is all so horribly unfair, and there is nothing I can do but offer hugs...

There is no power of attorney, and so as we move forward, there are beginning to be questions about how to manage mom's affairs; how to arrange for her ongoing care... It is just an awful, painful, sad situation, and there seems to be no way to resolve any of it.

Are there medical professionals who are legally liable for this circumstance? I just don't know, but my heart tells me that someone didn't do what should have been done to ensure a positive outcome here. Grrrrr!

There's more. Lots of stuff that is making me feel fussy and insecure and out of sorts:

I am inexplicably into a whole raft of symptoms that would point to menopause. Most annoying -- hot flashes. They wake me up, and keep me up, and make me pretty sincerely miserable. I wonder if it is some sign that I have reached the point at which I would have done menopause if I'd been left to my own path.

I've got school starting on Tuesday. Everything is ready, and all that is needed is the addition of kids. Then it all comes to life. I am excited for the beginning. But I have some colleagues that seem to just not have much of a clue or much enthusiasm for the whole business, and for some reason, this year that is really bugging me.

Starting school means I have to go back out into the world. It is unsettling. I've nested in and been very happy here this summer. I don't want to abandon my nest to go back out. I love the work, but hate to leave home behind. I feel torn.

And, always, there is the questioning in my own mind and heart about my performance in my role and my life. Am I good enough? Have I failed? Are my fears too limiting? Is my aging body a liability (duh!)? Does it matter how hard I try? The mean and nasty voices in my head that make me just crazy...

I get pictures of my Xander. He is so amazing... and so far away. I cannot be there. I don't want to be there. I want them to be here. Dammit! I am one frustrated grandma!

I spend less and less time at Fetlife. Surely, as school starts, there is less time to spend. But, even without that, I'm feeling so separated from the place. Too negative. Too petty. Too mean. I feel like immersing myself in that milieu is bad for me. I can't just let it all slide by. It impacts my heart and my head.

I think that is most of it. I am just soggy with things that feel heavy and sad and irritating. I need to go and walk and see if the fresh air and the moving can help cleanse some of that.

swan