Mindless?

Measha is a DD blogger who, together with her husband has been exploring power exchange for a number of years. She, wrote in a post that she called "Submissive Fears," that: "one of the things I'm afraid of is being mindlessly obedient. By this I mean, obeying him without thought to the matter."


That's an interesting statement, and it got me thinking about my own committment to obedience within this dynamic. I don't think that I am "mindlessly" obedient, but perhaps that is what people perceive. Thinking about it, I believe that it is rather "mindful" obedience. How, I wonder do those two ideas compare and contrast?

Begin with the notion of "obedience" itself.

Obedience is an idea that has largely fallen out of favor in our society. Even children are not expected to acquire the habit of obedience anymore, and it is certainly not something that adults expect from one another. Our culture values independence, and self-esteem, and personal autonomy, and it is generally held that obedience is the destroyer of all of that. We may, depending on the circumstance, be situationally compliant, but that is not the same thing as "obedient."

Obedience is one of the guiding principles of slavery. A principle is that from which everything proceeds, or on which it depends as its origin, cause or source of action. The act of obedience is a very complicated act, and it requires a number of integrated attitudes. I believe that the single most essential element of our dynamic, from my end of the bargain at least, is obedience. It is the one immutable standard against which all my actions and all my choices can be measured. I might "succeed" or "fail" at whatever it is I am attempting to do, but if all of my effort has been directed toward obeying Him, then the success or failure is of no particular consequence.

Obedience is closely aligned with the taking of vows. Those entering into a religious community will often take a vow of obedience. Until recently, the usual marriage vows included a vow of obedience. For most of us, that sort of vow has come to sound almost archaic. In our time, the notion of relational equality has wiped out the former belief in the promise of obedience we once made one to the other.

Obedience is attentive, undistracted, securely centered on hearing the one voice of the beloved. We have to “hear” to be obedient. Hearing suggests an attitude of receptivity, openness, and responsiveness. The word obedience is derived from two Latin words: (Latin oboedire)
1. Ob= the prefix meaning “towards.”
2. Oedire= “to hear.”

Literally, to obey is “to hear or listen towards.” In other words, to listen and respond to what has been listened to. Coming down to us from Old French, the word comes to mean “pay attention to, or give ear." The idea that obedience is related to listening and hearing relates it to another word from the Old French: audience, meaning “to perceive physically, or to grasp.”

In a personal/relational context, obedience pertains to listening and responding to a person. This is a different from the way that obedience is commonly viewed as a more legalistic act of obeying laws and precepts out of a sense of obligation. Obedience, in its purest sense, is about making a personal response out of love for a person.

This kind of “hearing” requires a particular kind of knowing. I need to know who I am listening to. This not just an intellectual knowledge, but a knowing in the heart. This is the basis of trust. Learning to know allows the surrender of personal will -- a free and deliberate choice to move my will out to the other. If I have doubts, or if I’m not convinced of Master’s inherent integrity, my obedience will be defective. Obedience is about relationship and a personal response of love expressed in “doing.”

Obedience creates movement out of the self seeking union with the other. It is outwardly directed in a determined movement of the whole being in love and service. It is inwardly rooted in a conscious, unbroken attentiveness born of deep listening. Someone self-absorbed, self-preoccupied, concentrated on self, cannot hear with ears that are intent on pleasing the other. In the etymology of the word obedience, the meaning is “to hear or listen towards”- the word “towards” implies a particular focus that remains directed toward someone else, rather than on our own personal “goals” or “needs.”

So, if we then talk about "mindless obedience," as Measha does, what might that mean?

The word "mindless" is defined as:

1) marked by a lack of mind or consciousness

2) marked by or displaying no use of the powers of the intellect

3) requiring little attention or thought; not intellectually challenging or stimulating

I tend to associate mindlessness with things that people do when they are on "automatic pilot" intellectually. So, for example, I might eat without giving it very much thought, or (if I were inclined to shop -- which I'm not, but just for the sake of an argument let's pretend) I might use shopping as a diversion that doesn't require much thought on my part. Based on my own observations, I believe that there are far too many people who drive mindlessly. I can sort socks mindlessly, and I can clean toilets mindlessly, and I can wash dishes mindlessly (although perhaps I shouldn't -- more on that later)...

Obedience, however, requires that I pay attention, listen, extend my whole self toward Master, and then act in accord with what I learn in that movement. It is not something that I am able to do without investing my whole self in the endeavor.

That, to me, is not mindless. That is mindful.

To be mindful means to be fully aware right here. If I am mindful, I might find that I am aware of a wide variety of things, happiness, confusion, anxiety, pleasure, frustration, weariness, excitement. When I have all kinds of things coming at my senses -- noises, people demanding this and that, distractions of various kinds, internal emotions, external demands and temptations -- I may not be able to concentrate on any one of them for very long. But I can be aware of the confusion, or the excitement, or the pleasure; and I can be aware of the reactions in my own mind. If I pay close attention, I find that my mind is continually full of chattering with commentary or judgement. Once I notice that commentary, I become free to release a thought or a judgement without getting caught in the commentary. Mindfulness allows me to understand that my thoughts are just thoughts, and not necessarily representative of reality. Knowing that, I can release some of my attachment to thoughts, judgements, wants, and biases.

Mindfulness shapes the experience of time and place. It entails much more than just the mind; it embraces the whole person: the body, intellect, will, and emotions. In its essence, mindfulness then can be seen as gratefulness as I become aware and willing to embrace what is without struggling to control or change it.


Learning to become and then be mindful makes it possible to choose obedience as the normal way of being. With mindful obedience, things that may have seemed difficult or unpleasant or boring lose the overlay of judgement and become simply what is. This description of a Buddhist contemplating the (potentially boring) act of washing dishes is illustrative:
"The warm water is in unison with the detergent and is currently washing away the plate's grime, the sun is shining through the window and casting an a warm glow on the dish's white ceramics."

I think slaves obey. Obedience is an act, and it requires intent and presence and attention. It is possible to derail the impulse toward obedience with too much mental chatter. To recognize and become mindful of that chatter, and then seek to listen carefully toward the Master, is not mindless. It is a choice to live in gracefulness and integrity and wholeness.

swan