GURUS

One of the comments on yesterday's post, the one by TC, has had me thinking. She said, "someone needs to offer another approach here, because though it is YOUR blog, people read it like any other blogs for direction and "expert" advice." When I read that I audibly said "I hope not."

One of many factors that has led me to value BDSM as compared with DD is the affinity for developing gurus in the DD community. Within the ranks of DD Internet fora there are (and have been for well over a decade) individuals, most of whom have little or no personal experience, but who have control of a LISTSERV or a Blog, who pass themselves off as "experts," and who proselytize for "followers." They actively recruit people who will agree to practice the lifestyle and relationship dynamics they preach as the right, or healthy, or spiritually superior, way to "do it." It usually isn't long before they are urging others to write them to ask questions about their relationships, or to get help for whatever it is in their lives that is troubling them. This is not a phenomenon you find in the BDSM community. I was lucky to find experienced BDSM practitioners who gladly helped and taught me, but I sought them out -- not one of them ever solicited my questions.

Many of the people who come to DD are typically women who are attempting to manipulate their men to take charge in a fashion that those women would find pleasing and fulfilling (a paradox more ironic than military intelligence). How does one take control at the direction of the person to be controlled? But that is another lengthy discussion... These women are often very insecure about who they are in their new lifestyle. They are concerned that there might be something wrong with them for having these "kinky" needs. Then, to make things worse, they are troubled that their partners are just not up to performing their role as "HOH" consistently enough to please them. They only wish their husbands/partners will assume control just as they would have them do it. And then, amidst this trial and tribulation, what should appear here on line but the guru! He/she tells them that DD is "the way." Usually, the guru recounts at length the story of how their marriage was saved by DD, and thus they know just how to do it. They tell them how they should live DD, and assure them that if they follow their exact prescription for living, the insecure DD newbie will soon succeed and find happiness. If not, it is likely the fault of the poor, doltish HOH she married. With enough time and careful manipulation and enough earnest advice from the guru, even the most pitiful specimen may learn to be in control and so please his wife. Whether it's Vickie Blue, or Robin Whittle (Mr. Fondman), or Frank and Mina at 1DD, or Vivian the Disciplined Feminist, or any of the current crop of new DD guru's evolving today into soliciting requests for advice from new DD'ers on their blogs, very similar motifs prevail.

I am a very experienced practitioner of BDSM, DD, polyamory, and life in general. I have no desire to prescribe for or advise anyone else. I am very decisive and controlling. My decisions on my private life are for my family. I have no reason to judge or decide what others should do.

I will, if asked, share my experiences, whether that is the how to's of using a flogger, or other BDSM techniques. I am happy to discuss my life, what has and has not worked for us, what I think and how I feel. If that is helpful to others, then I would certainly be pleased, but I have not nor will I recruit others beyond my slave and my submissive to become my disciples.

There is a great parable about a Sufi Wise Man: This fellow was so learned that he was much sought after by people who wanted to learn to live their lives wisely and successfully. There was a village where the people learned that he was going to be traveling to their province. They sent a messenger to the Wise Man. They instructed the messenger to say, "We need you to come teach our village your wise ways. We are very ignorant, and only you can save us from our lack of knowledge and wisdom. We know nothing." The messenger was very disheartened by the Wise Man's response. He told the messenger, "I have no knowledge of my own. All I can do is remind you of what you already know. Since none of you know anything, there would be nothing I could tell you that would be of any use to your village." The messenger returned to his village with this very disappointing response. The head of this village was a smart man and was not to be so easily thwarted. He sent the messenger to the next village up the road to tell them of the Wise Man's rebuff of their request. He asked them to send a messenger to tell the Wise Man that in their village they had a great wealth of knowledge about most things, but that they had unfortunately forgotten what was important for them to know. They needed the Wise Man to come and remind them of what they needed to know.

The second village's messenger went to the Wise Man. Hearing the message, the Wise Man looked at the messenger and congratulated him on the wealth of information and wisdom those in his village possessed. He told him, "There is this village right up the road from you that desperately needs your help. The poor fools know nothing. I will not be coming to your village. You do not need me, but rather you need to go help your poor neighbors." And some think there is no sense of humor in Islam:)

We share our experiences, our lives, and our love here. I hope we are living wisely for each other. We've made our share of mistakes, and we'll likely make more as we move forward. If there is something here that you find of value, you are welcome to it. If we write something that causes our readers to ask questions about what it is that we do, we endeavor to answer those. We do not purport to be EXPERTS. We are not soliciting people to ask us for advice nor will we be establishing a "write Raheretic, swan, and sly for advice" link on our Blog. I think those who do that are demonstrating a tremendous arrogance and condescension to those whom they would "help."

Please TC, and anyone else here, come to read about our lives if you are so inclined, come to share your reactions and opinions, but do not come here looking for "expert" input about your life.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.