En-

It is no secret that I have a fascination with language and words. I've long believed that the words we use shape our perceptions and consciousness. So, my current thinking is caught up with en- words:

• enlightened
  
• enchanted
  
• enraptured
  
• enthralled
  
• ensnared
  
• enslaved

It seems to me, that when I make that list, it describes the progression that brought me into this life of mine.

To be enlightened, according to Merriam Webster, is to be freed from ignorance and misinformation. In 1382, some Old English scholar wrote that enlightenment served to remove the dimness or blindness (usually figurative) from one's eyes or heart. For me then, that was a first step. I had to find my way through all those things that I did not know (and all those things that I thought I did know) to discover the truth about myself and my sexuality and my very nature. I had to discover the true community to which I could belong; and I had to struggle through the blindness that kept me locked into my traditional and socially sanctioned way of being. Discovering another way gave me a place to begin and a way to dream the dreams that brought me to here and now.

So, then I fell, like Alice through the Looking Glass, into a magical place where all the things that had haunted my yearnings for so long were real, and I spent a time being enchanted with all the amazing possibilities and all the delicious wonders I found there. To be enchanted is to be charmed and delighted, and that was surely me in the earliest days of my explorations. Even as I explored with the anchor of my former husband (who simply was not for this in any sense), I found a whole realm of experiences that amazed and delighted me. Like a child chasing butterflies, I ran here and there, trying this and that, and wanting more and more and more. Enchantment can be intoxicating, and I was surely there.

Very early in all that exploring, I tumbled into the beginnings of a conversation online with the Man who would, in time, come to be "Master." It didn't happen quickly. We circled around one another for a good bit of time, testing the wind, questioning, drawing boundaries -- and then re-drawing the lines. He was bright. He was wise. He was warm. He was funny. He radiated power that was simply undeniable and irresistable. I was enraptured -- held spellbound. I thrilled to His every word; waited from moment to moment for the chance to talk with Him again. Knowing there was no place for the feelings I felt to go, I still could not look away. I was entirely dazzled.

Enthrallment is another thing altogether. To be enthralled is to become captive. It is related to words like arrested, beguiled, caught, held, mesmerized, rapt, and subjected. He and I played together in the beginning -- just a few times, very casually, and always with care not to step beyond the limits of our existing relationships and roles. We were cautious and careful and very deliberate about it all. Except that hearts are not well behaved when it comes to things like this and I grew to be His long before either of us acknowledged what was happening. There might have been a time, in those early days when I could have ended it all, stopped the progression, and walked away from the blossoming relationship with Him and all that promised -- but I was enchanted, remember...

After a time, I was ensnared. To ensnare is to capture or trap. There came a point where the control of the whole business shifted from me to Him. I'd moved from step to step, knowing what I knew, and choosing as I chose, and then He decided. That was it. Really. Ensnarement is active. I imagine that I could have still said, "No," and walked away. I could have ended it. I didn't do that, and so the decision stood. I don't have a clear idea of the exact when of that. I think that by the time He declared His love, sitting at the other end of the couch from me on that very late night so many years ago, everything was in motion. Had I become angry with Him on that evening; stomped my feet and told Him that He was over the line, none of it would have happened. But I didn't do that, and it happened.

Enslavement took longer. We grew to know one another. We understood better and better what we meant to one another -- until we finally knew what was true about us. He knew that I was His. I knew that I was His. There was plenty of road ahead still, but there were very few unanswered questions. We've described before the progression to the point where we simply accepted the truth of that reality for the two of us. What, I wonder, is the en- word that describes the perfect outcome of that journey?

swan