Loved and Treasured

As humans, we all want to be loved. That very simple and very basic human want can sometimes complicate a power exchange relationship like ours. There are even some, within the lifestyle, who insist that love and power exchange cannot exist in tandem. I know that many around this circle have discussed the conundrum that arises when a Dominant and sadist comes to love a submissive and masochist "too much" to maintain the part of the dynamic that takes its energy from the sadomasochistic duality.

Without coming right out and saying it in plain words, many lifestylers tend to hold to a view that for a submissive partner to want to be loved is somehow inappropriate and selfish. Sometimes, we are made to feel guilty for wanting to be loved, and sometimes we berate ourselves for harboring that desire. We are told, and many of us believe that we should give love and not expect to receive it. The theory is that the model submissive is constantly doing good and being attentive to the needs of the Dominant partner, looking for nothing in return. That may sound noble, but it belies our very human and very natural desires to love and to be loved.

Love is, for me at least, the driving and motivating force behind and within my and our power dynamic. What I do within this relationship, I do out of love for Him. I want His happiness. I want His life to be full and good.

More, I want to feel loved by Him. I absolutely crave the loving softness in His eyes when He looks at me -- it melts my heart. I delight in the feeling of comfort and security that I gain when He pulls me in close and wraps me up in His embrace. I thrive on the knowledge that He pays attention to what is happening in my life; that He is willing to invest energy in helping me grow and be strong and healthy and happy; that He will direct my course when He believes that doing so is good for me. I'd never want to be without that connection.

I think that some look at my relationship to Master and, if they don't understand what powers it, they assume that I must be needy and desperate -- lacking in self-respect and self-confidence. I absolutely believe that it is commonly thought that voluntarily making the choice to live as a consensual slave indicates some deep lack in my own psyche -- or perhaps a real character flaw. There was a time when knowing that judgement was out there bothered me. It doesn't anymore.

I do what I do with full knowledge (or at least as much understanding as I can possibly muster), and I do it deliberately and with conscious intent. I understand that my singular goal is to be and do whatever it is that will make Him happy, and I freely admit that the primary "why" behind my striving toward that goal is the understanding that as I submit more completely, He will love me more and more intensely. I practice the skills and attributes that enhance my submission to Him. I listen carefully to the way I speak to Him. I evaluate the ways that I choose to expend my energy so that I prioritize those things that serve Him. I pay attention to my emotional state, knowing that while my feelings are real and to be honored, they don't have to define my behavior. I am vigilant about my thought patterns -- I know that I can work myself into a place where everything seems horrible, but doing that puts my focus on me, and takes it off of Him.

I didn't always know all of that. It has taken me years to learn. I remember wondering, in the very beginning, even before I met Master, where this would all lead me. Would it get "old," or "boring?" Maybe, I thought, I would get my fill and just outgrow it all. None of that has come to pass. There's been plenty of change -- challenges and hurdles to overcome, and the energy and excitement and sense of being in the absolute right place remains. I undestand, way better than I did some nine or ten years ago, what makes me tick. I know and understand that I do have a seriously masochistic nature and that it will not be long denied. I have learned how much better I am when I am not the ultimate and final voice of control in my world. Being here, in this life and this relationship has taught me how to love, and in the doing of that, I've learned how to accept the love I always wanted.

swan