Happy Monday

Good morning!



Good news!



Finally.



Yesterday, they removed the surgical drains. We had to fuss but after a six hour "trial" they removed the NG tube. It was difficult last evening because the last of Master's IV's, number 7, blew up in His arm. He was screeching in horrible pain, and since it was exactly at shift change, there wasn't a nurse to be found anywhere. In desperation, I went from room to room, and finally found a nurse in another patient's room, and practically dragged her back to Him.



This morning, He is taking clear liquids. He is having fully formed bowel movements. Is this too much information? His pain levels are down to just achy. He is actively advocating with the doctors and nurses on His own behalf -- "NO, I am not having another IV established unless you can show me an imminent medical necessity."



It might be that He will not be going home just yet, but I'm thinking we're close!



Thank you all for your good wishes and healing energies sent His way this last week.



swan

Transfusion Day

Today, our team of doctors is stymied. They simply cannot figure out what is going on with Him, and I suspect that they are having some fairly heated doctor conversations about what to do with Him -- some arguing more aggressive approaches, and others advocating for restraint and patience. It seems that the latest x-rays are still showing some distension of the small intestine, and that could indicate another obstruction -- although the CT scan didn't show anything to be concerned about in that way.



But He continues to have significant nausea, and while He is having bowel movements, they are very watery and, this morning, essentially clear. Without being able to get a fix on what is happening, our doctors are opting for keeping the nasal tube in place. None of us are anxious to have to have that re-inserted again, so there's no sense of urgency to get it out before it is really time.



Another concern is that His blood counts, both red cells and white cells are low, and they can't figure out why. There is no blood in His stools; no blood in His vomit; no obvious hematomas that are not accounted for and entirely expected as a result of the surgery. Still, the counts are low.



So, today, He is receiving two units of blood. So far, that is going well. We are aware of the risks of transfusion, but we just don't feel like there are good options.



swan

Alligators

I remember that during my college years, we were fond of telling one another that "when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remember that you were originally trying to drain the swamp."



That is kind of the way this is beginning to feel... A swamp full of alligators, and it is probably alligator mating season. The alligators (problems and challenges) are big and they are all over the place -- refusing to stay in their own separate little ponds.



This morning, after a very difficult and miserable night, "crazy" doctor Hamid came bursting into the room well before the sun was up. The good (but crazy) Dr. Hamid (who we think might be the head resident) seems to have a penchant for drama, and a lack of gentleness in terms of his approach. Looking at Master's chart, I guess he decided that he was, "worried." He ordered another CT scan with contrast, and stood in the middle of Master's hospital room talking about the potential for yet more surgery. And then, he swept out of the room to go spread terror and chaos somewhere else. At least I am guessing that's where he was headed.

Master and I were shocked, frightened, left with a million questions. We huddled next to each other in the pre-dawn chill and darkness, and held each other's hands, barely daring to breathe.



The nurses came in and put the contrast solution through the NG tube, and they told us that the people from the radiology department would be up to get Him in about 20 minutes. An hour and forty-five minutes later, after battling for well over an hour to keep the contrast down in spite of severe nausea, they finally came to get Him. He was gone for a very long time it seemed.



We were told that "as soon as the doctors had a chance to review the results of the CT scan, they would be in to talk to us." It was over two hours when our nurse finally called someone to see what she could find out for us.



It turns out that the CT scan doesn't show anything alarming. Just the ileus that we already are dealing with. There is no additional blockage, and no internal bleeding. Blood work shows that His blood count is low, but is holding steady. We still have not seen a doctor as I write this at 2:20 in the afternoon.



Master is still struggling with nausea, although it may be some better this afternoon. He is feeling tired and stressed and frightened. He has been incredibly strong and very brave in the face of a major surgery, and some wickedly nasty procedures.



Right now, we are daring to hope that a couple of days will resolve the ileus and He'll start to feel better. I know and believe that we WILL be heading home together sometime in the next few days... if only we can stay out of the clutches of all the many alligators.



swan

Ileus

Today has been a very difficult day.


Yesterday, the naso-gastric tube to Master's stomach fell out. The doctors had contemplated taking it out anyway, but it came out entirely on its own. That seemed like a good thing at the time, and during the balance of the day, they removed the catheter. This morning, they discontinued the IV pain medication, and He was allowed to begin taking clear liquids by mouth.


By mid-day, He was begining to belch, hiccup, and vomit up significant quantities of liquid. The nurses tried administering a couple of different nausea medications along with Nexium. Those medications helped for very short periods of time, but each time, the vomiting resumed within the hour. Finally, at about 9:00 this evening, the night nurse decided to call in the doctors, and they ordered some x-rays. That showed an ileus. An ileus is a paralysis of the bowel -- without the normal peristalsis, nothing passes through the digestive tract and pressure builds up in the stomach. It seems that this is a fairly common aftermath of handling the bowel during abdominal surgery.


Sigh.


So. Tonight, they have reinserted the naso-gastric tube. Once it was in place, the pump immediately suctioned 700 cc's of fluid from His stomach. He is disappointed as this will surely keep Him in the hospital for another 2-4 days. On the upside, He is not vomiting anymore, and we didn't end up going home without anyone knowing about this issue -- a sure recipe for making another midnight run to the emergency room.


He's tired. I'm tired. Our spirits are a bit low. Hopefully, soon, we'll be able to settle down for the night and try and sleep. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a bit better.


swan

A Day to be Grateful

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.-- Albert Schweitzer

What a different sort of Thanksgiving day we are having! For all the years that we've been together, this has been a day when both T and I worked in tandem (in our two kitchens) to turn out a traditional and bountiful feast for the various parts and pieces of our family. There was, of course, a plan to do that again this year -- the turkey and all the trimmings are waiting for us to make it happen.

Instead, we are tucked into His hospital room, watching the parades and, soon, the football games, and just feeling enormously grateful for the gift of His life. Sunday night and Monday morning were pretty seriously scary. So, today, as He sips at plain chicken broth, and eats a little bit of sugar free Jell-o, our plans for the feast have been de-railed AND we are entirely full of gratitude.

We are so thankful to have Master with us and healing. We are thankful for His doctors and nurses who have given of their gifts and talents to help in bringing Him back to wellness. We are grateful for the good health insurance that allowed us to simply pile Him in the car and come looking for help without ever once wondering how we would ever pay for it.

We are thankful for our lives with one another, and we are thankful for each other. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the busyness of our days that we forget how truly lucky we are to have the loving family life that we share. Just being "us" is very, very good.

We are grateful for the recovering health of T's mom. We are grateful for the continued strength and resilience of Master's dad. All our various young (and not so young) adult children are well, making their way in their lives, well launched on their individual and collective lives. We are delighted and grateful to have welcomed the first official Heron Clan grandchild this year as well.

We have each got good work that we do. In these complicated and challenging economic times, we have had no layoffs, no salary cuts, no serious scares about the security of our livelihoods. Surely that is cause for gratitude.

And, as we hold each other close this day, we are glad and grateful for so many of you who have drawn close and taken us in and become good friends and cyber neighbors. Ours could be a very lonely sort of life, but for all of you. You are in our thoughts this day, and as we think of you, we can't help but smile and give thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving. May your blesings be many, and may you find ways to be with those you love today and everyday all year.

swan

T-Day Eve Tom Update

Today was a pretty good day. I got to him at 1pm on Tuesday and left today, Wednesday at 4pm. He did a couple of laps of the floor, bathed his parts, got his catheter removed, had his nasal gastric tube fall out, was re-stuck 5 times to move his IV from the crook of his arm to his hand, was upgraded to sipping water from mouth swabs, passed gas and peed like a MAN!! The last 2 things are big steps to getting him onto food and home. He still has 2 drains in his tummy and is pretty sore, but he looks much better.

In the beginning, the surgeon told me he would probably be home on Thanksgiving....I don't think so, more like Friday, me thinks....but better stay until they are confident that he will not be returning in 18 hours.

I have come home to get cleaned up, bake a Autumn Torta for my Mom, run laundry, visit Mom and get more than 3 hours of sleep. Sue is with Tom tonight and I am positive they are both very comfy together. I would have stayed, but there just is not enough room for the 3 of us to sleep in his private room...sigh....


Well, that's the scoop. As Sue said, Thanks for all of the prayers, well wishes, hugs, and animal sacrifices. They all helped!

T

Update

I am home tonight. T is staying at the hospital with Master.
Today, He's made a bit of progress. His breathing seems less congested. He is in pain, of course, but that is kept tolerable with medication. He took two walks today; a short one in the morning, just before I hade to leave, and a much longer one this evening with T. He still has tubes sprouting everywhere: drains, catheters, naso-gastric tube, oxygen, IV... Moving Him or changing His position or bathing Him is a sincere challenge. But. Today. There. Was. A. Bit. Of. Progress.

And that is good. Tomorrow, maybe, some of those tubes may become unnecessary. Tomorrow, hopefully, He'll hurt less. Tomorrow, He'll be one day closer to being healed and well again.

I, and We, are so very grateful for all your good wishes. Thank you. All.

And now, I am off to try and get a night's sleep.

swan

Your Thoughts, Friends

Today, November 23, is the eight month anniversary of Master and T's surgeries.

Last evening, about 9:00, Master began complaining that His stomach hurt. And then it hurt worse... and worse... and worse. Finally, we decided to head to the emergency room, arriving there at about 11:00 after a very harrowing drive (during which I had to pull off the road to allow Him to vomit at least three different times). They did two CT scans -- one at midnight, and a second one at 4:00 AM with contrast. At 5:00 this morning, they got Him situated in a room. And at about 7 AM, the doctors decided that He needed emergency surgery to correct an obstruction in His bowel. Apparently, this is another of those rare (less than 1% of cases) complications.

He is in surgery as I type. I've come home to shower, grab some clothes for both of us, and rescue my car out of the repair shop where I dropped it last evening so it could have an oil change. This is the very worst possible timing for such a horrible catastrophe to occur. There is the end of the year stuff with His agency, holidays are upon us, I have parent-teacher conferences for the next three days.

We'll all get through this somehow, but please hold us all (and especially Master) in your thoughts these next few days.

swan

Struggling with Balance

When I was still a very new blogger, I wrote posts that were full of emotional turmoil, loaded with great angst. Reading at The Swan's Heart is like riding along on the roller coaster ride of my emotional volatility. Later, there were great periods of upheaval, and again, I poured out my frustrations, fears, and struggles here.

In those early days, I wrote with huge passion and depth of feeling. I did not self-censor, and I did not filter the words that flowed from my fingertips. Over time, though, I have come to understand and believe that there is a limit -- an absolute and immovable limit -- to how much of that sort of self-absorbed obsessiveness can be absorbed. He got very tired of it eventually, and I began to pull in and filter what I offered of my internal dialog here -- or anywhere for that matter.

There has to be a balance in a relationship. If things are to go well, partners need to come to understand the needs and moods and ebbing and flowing of the other. I know that ... and still I struggle to find the balance. We have so many challenges; so many stressors; so many demands on our time and energy; so many changes that we are working to accommodate:

His father -- in his 90's and still plugging along, but encountering more and more physical and mental hurdles as time passes.

T's mother -- improving; regaining capacity with each day, but still far from where she was before the strokes in August.

Both Master and T -- still learning their way along the post-surgical recovery path. So much has changed forever in terms of the place of food and eating in our lives. We are coming into the holidays, and there WILL be meals to be eaten in the company of "normal" people (family and friends). There have been huge health benefits in these 8 months, but there have been enormous changes and demands to get us to this place.

Work -- Master's agency continues to struggle in the economic downturn that has dramaticlly reduced the level of charitable giving everywhere. The needs, however, have not diminished. In fact, with the reductions in funding, the needs grow ever more critical. We were at our city council late last Wednesday evening, engaged in a pitched political battle, and we'll be at it again this week, on the eve of the Thanksgiving holiday. We may win or we may lose, but we will fight the fight.

He's so often frustrated. He is so often scared. He is so often anxious. He is so often preoccupied, tired, weary, desperate, unsure.

I am so often frustrated. I am so often scared. I am so often anxious. I am so often preoccupied, tired, weary, desperate, unsure.

He has his longings. I have mine.

We are into our 10th year together; approaching the 8th anniversary of living with one another fulltime. Some of what we struggled with in the beginning has been washed away in the commonplace pattern of our lives. Some of what we struggle with today, we never would have imagined in those early beginning days. Somehow, still, we mostly find our balance.

swan

A New Connection -- Polyamorous Percolations

The post that I wrote a couple of weeks ago about trust, piqued the interest of Firegod, who operates the Polyamorous Percolations website. We've carried the link to the "Polyamory in the News" area of that site for a long while, but I was unaware of the other resources available to members of the community. I've been very glad for my correspondence with Firegod because I've learned a very great deal more about what is there for all of us.

As it turns out, the piece that I called "I Don't Believe in Trust," will be available on the Polyamorous Percolations site. It will also be a forum discussion topic at the following links:

http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/swan_trust.html Or it can be found under 2009 feature article links ... a forum thread with your work as a basis; ... can be found here: http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index.php?topic=3933 ... many thanks for allowing us to publish your work.

One of the most interesting and gratifying things about writing in this medium is that we form unexpected connections to people we might not ever have met otherwise. I am flattered and grateful to Firegod for the opportunity to enter into conversation with a new and more far flung community.

swan

A reminder for Morningstar :-)

This is a reminder --
Last year, two days before Christmas, my friend, morningstar, put up an uncharacteristically grumpy entry on her blog... She wanted to be reminded in case she got all "Christmasy" next year.

Now, I am old -- old enough to know that I will NEVER remember to remind her of something a year from now, so I am scheduling this now... That way, if all goes well, Blogger will remind her, and I will get to take credit :-)

So, morningstar, as we approach the holiday season at the end of 2009, remember that you swore you would NEVER again do that "dinner thing" for your staff:

Every year .. for the last 5 or 6 years i have hosted a holiday dinner here at the condo for my staff..Sir reminded me the other day when i said this is absolutely the last year i do this.. that i say that every year......BUT this year is different..In past years i said "last time" after the affair.. while i was sitting in the midst of dirty dishes.. empty bottles.. pots and pans and just plain mess...This time i am saying "last time" before the dinner..Why?? because.. (and if you don't wish to sit through a mini rant then i suggest you leave now)i have a couple of dim witted employees who the Union protects with all it's might..... total dim wits i tell you..one is our Union rep.. and when i went to her this year with confidential information.. she blabbed it to someone else.. who told someone else.. and well you know how gossip goes... when i confronted her.. she stood there looking for all the world like a deer caught in the headlights and said "I never said that!!" what's the point in arguing.. she is NEVER wrong.. and when i do push her... and trust me i have.. she runs to the Union and files a grievance..Now granted.. her grievances against me have never resulted in any disciplinary action against me.. BUT the time it takes to deal with it!!! and the stress !!! trust me it just isn't worth it..Then there is DD.. last year she took a year off... came back in September and promised me she was ready to work.. oh yeah?? well she wasn't / isn't.. she constantly pushes my buttons.. gets her feelings hurt when i correct her work ... stamps her foot and throws temper tantrums if i don't fawn all over her... and a month or so ago.. got so angry with me when she tried to interrupt a conversation i was having and i ignored her.. that she slammed doors .. cursed and swore at me.. and ranted on for days.....Then there are the other "good"workers .... and i use that term loosely considering what i have to compare them too..one is so touchy .. and moody that ya never know whether you will be greeted with a "hello" or a surly snarling answer..two others couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery..And the bit that grates on my nerves more than anything... they go out for lunch regularly - have movie nights regularly.. go out for supper regularly....... and not once do they ask me to join them...BUT let me organise a dinner here.. and they are all here.. in a flash.... drinking.. getting drunk.. making a huge mess.. giving me a headache........So yeah.. this is the last year i am doing this..... call me grinch.. call me bitch.. call me anything you want to.......... but ya know what ?? i am not playing door mat for these women anymore !!!!And THAT is my one and only New Year's resolution..........(if i forget and get all Christmasy next year.. someone remind me ok ?? )

I Don't Believe in Trust

I know that there is a shared belief in our community that trust is absolutely essential and of paramount importance in forming power-based relationships. I've "listened" to untold people go on and on about giving their trust, and having their trust broken, and revoking their trust as a result. I just don't get it. I don't think there is any such thing as "trust" in the way it is typically thought of in this context. I think that we tend to see that transaction in the same way a young child views their relationship to some all-powerful personal deity: "If you will just do this whatever-I-want thing for me, I promise I will be good, say my prayers, eat my peas, and get straight A's in school."

I think there is a much more reasonable and adult approach to creating and maintaining relationships. I think self-aware adults ought to approach intimate, long-term relationships like the agreement that they are. I think that when people consider entering into a relationship, they ought to negotiate the very best bargain that they can -- bring your best offer to the table, and insist that your partner(s) do likewise. I'm not talking about finances, although that might be part of the deal. Instead, I think we ought to be discussing talents, strengths, capacities, gifts, deficiencies, fears, needs, demands, limits, history, wounds, quirks, and whatever else we can think of. No steely-eyed business person ought to ever drive a harder bargain than we do for ourselves in the beginning days of a new relationship. I don't care whether we are creating a couple, a triad, a quad, or some sort of web of partners. There is no room for starry-eyed romantic fantasies here. We ought to negotiate and re-negotiate until we are absolutely sure there is not one additional benefit or demand that we can wring out of the process.

Then, we ought to go off to think long and hard about what we want to do. There's a decision to be made, at that point. We ought to decide whether to do it or not do it, and we ought to be committed to doing our level best to live up to the decision that we make. If we are going to enter into an intimate relationship, then we ought to enter in with our whole heart; with all our strength; with a clear mind, and with absolute determination to hold up our end of the bargain. And I think that reasonable adults ought to expect that there will be times when partners will NOT live up to our highest expectations. I think we ought to know, going in, that there will be disappointments and heartbreaks and times when we will feel that the bargain we made wasn't good enough. If we are not willing, at the outset, to invest energy and effort and sheer raw guts in the endeavor, then we ought not to enter into the relationship in the first place.

If we decide to go forward, then I think we ought to begin laying up relational capital that will see us through the inevitable lean and hard times. From my perspective that means that we regularly evaluate our situation, seeing the problems, but attending particularly to the good things, the positive things, the strengths and joys that we derive from our relationships. I think that is the essence of "trust" -- that today and tomorrow and next week and next month, I am going to value and appreciate and nurture and celebrate the life I CHOSE. I am going to be gentle with myself when I fall short, and I am going to be gentle with my partners -- not holding them to higher standards than I want to be held to myself. I am going to keep on believing in the possibilities and the dreams for myself and my partners, and I am going to work to support and enhance those possibilities and dreams for myself and for us all.

It isn't about trusting. It is about working deliberately and consciously to create the thing that we hope can become between us. It is work and risk and triumph and failure. Today. And today. And today. Over and over and over and over. It is about doing it as long as I can do it in the best way I can do it until I cannot possibly do it anymore. And it is about hoping with everything I've got that it never gets to the place where I can't do it anymore. I think that when we stop believing in the numinous wispiness of "trust" we can be free to roll up our sleeves and get to work laying the foundations and building the walls and roofs of strong and healthy relationships.

swan

Mom Update

It has been awhile, huh? Well, Mom is doing very well. She is doing OT, PT, speech and music therapies 4-5 hrs a day. She is walking without assistance, not even a cane. She has about 25% strength in her right hand. She can use the toilet, brush her teeth, shower and eat without assistance. It has been forever since she has fallen out of bed or a chair. She is still on "Soft, moist and small" foods but is eating pretty much whatever we can make fit that definition. She has had 3 of her goal foods... Mama DiSalvo's spaghetti with meat sauce, a chocolate malt, and enchilada casserole....not at the same time! Still wants a Wendy's cheeseburger, but is unwilling to let us chop it up. She wants it whole and dripping, thank you very much! She is able to ride in the car....I have taken her to Dr. appointments, banking, to friend's home for a party, to her house to see if I have been taking care of things to her liking, and to vote. One day this week, her girlfriends are taking her to lunch and this Friday, she is going to the retiree's monthly birthday dinner at Tumbleweed's restaurant.

She is still on oxygen and we have an appointment with a pulmonologist this Friday to see what can be done. She still tires easily, especially after a round of 4 hrs of therapy. Thank God she quit smoking! well....sorta forced into quitting....between intensive care and all of the other hospital time as well as being pretty much out of it for over a month, she just quit and shows no interest in starting up again! YEAH!!!!!

Our biggest obstacle is still speech. I can understand her about 50% of the time. And some days it is a struggle for both of us. She writes fine, but still gets her words confused on paper so I see alot of vowels in words.

And now for the public service portion of this post...GET A DAMNED POWER OF ATTORNEY FOR YOUR PARENTS.....HELL! GET ONE FOR YOURSELF WHILE YOU ARE AT IT!!!
I cannot tell you how much aggravation it would have saved us if we had just pressed for this when she retired and was still healthy. For the most part, medical professionals have been pretty accommodating in using my brother and myself as guardians, even though we have nothing legal to support us. Legally, they could have denied us the ability to control Mom's care. It has worried me every single day that I would make a decision that someone would disagree with and my ability to care for Mom would be stripped away in a court of law.

We are planning on Mom moving home December 11th. That will be 100 days of rehab and the cut off point for Medicare to cover her stay. At $400 a day, we do not want to have to pay out of pocket for additional days. And it looks like Mom will be able to be in her home with some assistance at that point. My niece moved into Mom's home about a month ago, so Mom will have a roommate and someone to assist her when needed.

'Nuff said.... Time for bed... on Tuesday's I work early and go North to spend an hour or so with Mom... then I am there all day Friday, Saturday and half day on Sunday.... I will be glad to have that schedule in her home and not at the rehab center.

T

Polyamory Observations #16

I've had a bit of a conversation with a friend about the realities of forming a poly triad within the context of a power exchange dynamic. That is a particular process that brings its own twists to what is already a complex way of forming relationships. I have come to believe that, as we talk about how poly works, it is often not helpful to try and discuss poly in general terms. The specific permutations of poly relationships really do impact in significant ways on those very relationships. Beyond the philosophical notions, there are real and important differences between making a vanilla, egalitarian, poly-web relationship and creating a committed, power-based, committed (or possibly closed) triad intentional family.

My friend is in the early stages of life within a poly triad family that came about through a series of circumstances, events, and choices that were not entirely within her control, and the resulting set of relationships are configured in ways that she never envisioned and would likely never have intentionally created for herself if she'd been in control.

That's an important factor to be clear about when we talk about polyamory within power exchange relationships (as opposed to vanilla-style, egalitarian poly) -- if there is an agreed upon power dynamic, one or more partners may have limited or no control over the choices made about the relationship. Some would claim that where that is the case, the resultant relationship is not "really" poly, but they are generally outsiders who have no good understanding.

As I tried to talk to my friend about this, I found myself talking about the relationship between T and I in a way that I don't think I ever have before. Because, the truth is that our poly triad formed up around Master. He was at the center of all of it, and it is precisely because each of us loved Him, and because He loved each of us, and because each of us belonged to Him, that we came into the place where we needed to learn to love one another. For T and for me, polyamory was not something that either of us had ever contemplated, imagined, or sought out. It wasn't something that we likely would have chosen for ourselves (at least I think -- maybe T would say otherwise, but I don't think so). Polyamory happened to us because of circumstances and, most especially because we'd each entered into a power dynamic with Master. The choices which brought us into this relational model were made by Him, and it fell to the two of us, working with His vision and His guidance, to figure out how to make it a positive reality.

When I think about those beginning days of our poly family, I really believe that without Master, T and I might have never paid much attention to one another. I just imagine that we would have simply not noticed each other, even if our paths had crossed. We had different lives; different backgrounds; different histories; different interests -- and we were each heading along on our chosen trajectories. It was linking into Master, each in our own way, that brought the two of us together.

In the beginning, we liked each other in a sort of superficial and cordial but very casual fashion. Neither of us saw the freight train barrelling down the tracks at us -- the overwhelming force that was about to totally change our lives...

We were pretty much innocents in the beginning. All unsuspecting, we just wandered along, getting to know each other, and becoming friends. T grew up with one younger brother, and I had three. Neither of us had a sister in our families of origin. With all our differences, we found that we enjoyed each other; liked each other; shared an easy and relaxed cameraderie. Little did we know...

When, as things developed, Master and I fell in love, there was great consternation, great upset, great fear, great confusion, and enormous pain for each and all of us. While Master dealt with His own issues related to loving us both; wanting to have us both; not wanting to hurt either of us -- we two were faced with inventing a whole new relational paradigm for ourselves. We were good friends, but now we were becoming "family." We are, neither of us, lesbian or bisexual, but now we were finding ourselves to be functionally "married." We were each strong, independent, opinionated, mature women, but now we were finding ourselves set into a household structure that we likely would never have chosen for ourselves.

There was no decision point. There was no vote. There was no plan. There was no conversation about it. There was no delineation of what we did and did not want in this context. There was no search process; no interview; no audition. We didn't pick each other. One day, we simply were -- "sister-hearts." Making that into a reality has taken time, intentionality, awareness, kindness, hard work, and an ongoing willingness to believe in and celebrate the best in one another. We've each had to learn how to give and take. We've had to understand what we each needed and what we each wanted. We've had to accommodate our differences and embrace our commonalities. We've had to hug and laugh and rejoice when times are good, and we've had to hold on and stay strong and keep believing when times are tough.

Over this almost eight years, we've built up a pretty good store of emotional and relational capital. Our shared history, our common understandings, and our track record of success provide us with a stockpile to draw on when it all seems like it might be too much or we just don't feel like we can keep on doing it. When those days happen (and I believe they happen in all long-term relationships), and we find ourselves at odds, we just know that whatever it is that seems so difficult in the moment isn't "the way life is," and we know that it will change if we can just stick with one another. That is a crucial piece of infomation.

I am not a "Pollyanna" poly (a phrase given to me by another friend). I don't think that poly is for everybody -- or even for most people. I don't even think that poly is necessarily a good choice for an awful lot of people who think they are doing it. I've seen plenty of would be poly relationships crash and burn in the very fragile beginning stages. I know that most poly people find our kind of poly difficult to understand, and maybe some even find it distasteful. Poly's generally put such a high value on the notion of equality. I understand and respect that. I will however say that I think that one of the essential elements that got us through the beginning years (maturity and openness notwithstanding) was the Dominant energy and vision of Master. If there had been any move for either of us to compete, or to behave territorially, or to feel jealous or possessive, He was right there loving us both and insisting on His certain and sure belief in our love and in our family.

It might be that we are simply all exceptional people who survived and thrived where many others wouldn't have. It might be that pure, raw stubborness saw us through to here and now. It might be that we were all just star-crossed, fated, and damned lucky. It could be all of those. My friend asked what I thought were the secrets of our passage through the beginnings to the formation of a solid and stable place. I don't know how to list those things, all I know is how it looks from here, and how it seemed as we went along. Some of it was about how we felt. Some of it was about how we thought. Some of it was about what we believed -- about our lives and about one another. We simply practiced, day by day, and minute by minute, the thing that He preaches: Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

swan

What a Difference a Year Makes

A year ago, we headed off to the dance event (fund raiser) that is put on by Master's agency each year. It is a giant community gathering where those who are generally regarded as "normally abled" and those who are seen as "disabled" all come together to spend an evening dancing and talking and generally having a great time. Unlike the many other events in our community that are staged specifically for those "special" people, ours is simply a gathering of people -- all ages, races, orientations, and levels of ability. We find that everybody loves to party and have a good time...

We don't dress up all that often, so when we do, there is the temptation to take pictures. At this event, there is a photographer on duty, so we managed to get some pretty interesting photos... so here's the comparison -- a year later after bariatric surgeries and all that has entailed...

Last Year --

And then this year (one week ago):

swan

Inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful

When comments are made on any of our blogs, they are automatically emailed straight to Master. Sometimes it turns out that someone will comment on an older post, and given the way blogs tend to work, if He didn't get those email alerts, we'd never see those comments at all... After all, who goes cruising back through all those weeks and months and years looking for the random late appearing comment?



Today, interestingly, there were two comments on posts from "awhile back." Both comments were by the same person -- someone who goes by the nick "sixofthebest." I am about 95% certain that whoever this critter is, I'm probably not the only one to be treated to his less than savory attentions. I have this feeling that there are dozens, or maybe even hundreds of bloggers who have been approached even as I was...

• sixofthebest has left a new comment on your post "New Cane": Dear Swan, I would love to flog you, while you are on the 'whipping post'. Yes 'twelve of the best', with the pliable stinging cane, would be just perfect for that voluptous bare bottom of yours. Don't you agree?


• sixofthebest has left a new comment on your post "Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jacks...": Dear Swan, I am a Yankee fan, living just 15 minutes from Yankee Stadium. And since the Yankee's won the World Series, I would love to celebrate this occasion, by taking you over my knee, and bare your bottom, so that I can spank your voluptous 'derriere', thats French for bottom, painfully red.

My first reaction to that silliness is, "ewwwwwwwww!" Then, I wondered, how someone "in the scene" could be so totally clueless about simple matters of protocol and courtesy -- things like not messing with someone else's property, just for starters.

But... cluelessness is where you find it. So, let me try to lay this out for sixofthebest and anyone else of that ilk:

1) If you do not want to come off as a total idiot, it would pay you to read what is clearly stated, and made obvious to the most casual passer-by here at TheHeronClan -- I am the slave of Raheretic; His property; owned. Should you decide that you somehow want to have more than a conversational interaction with me, common courtesy dictates that you speak with my Master. Approaching me with suggestive talk is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

2) In spite of the fact that I engage in alternative sexual practices, and in spite of the fact that our polyamorous lifestyle does not match up with the current social norms, I am a human being -- not simply some piece of meat or wisp of your overheated fantasizing. I have feelings. I have a mind. I have boundaries. For you to behave as if none of that is true is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

3) Besides living the role of slave in a power exchange relationship, my sexual/erotic orientation is to sadomasochism, and I fall on the masochistic side of the continuum. Notice -- this is my sexual/erotic way of being in the world. It is not some silly game to me. It is not something I play at. If you talk about spanking me, then you are talking about sex. Opening a conversation with "how about I spank/cane/whip/fill-in-the-blank you?" is JUST THE SAME as if you walked up to me out of the clear blue and said, "hey, let's fuck." It is as if some totally strange fellow accosted your daughter with "hey, show me your tits," or grabbed your mother's crotch, or waved his dick at your wife. It is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful. Not to mention probably illegal.

4) I like conversation. I think that relationships get built through the medium of conversation. I insist that conversations begin in a civilized fashion -- "hello" and "let me introduce myself" and "I'd like to get to know you better" are all entirely acceptable. Assuming that I have any interest in a sexual or erotic encounter with someone who I know nothing about is just too stupid to even believe -- oh yeah, it is also (obviously) inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

5) And speaking of stupid... If you use some word in your writing that you believe no one but you will understand; if you write so obscurely that you are convinced you have to explain your meaning; then you are a remarkably poor communicator. On top of that, your assumption that I am too ignorant to understand you is insulting. Get off your high horse! I'd imagine that there are plenty of people writing blogs that have more extensive and sophisticated vocabularies and language fluency than you do. Based on what I can see of your writing, I know I am in that number. Once again, your approach is inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

6) Basically, mind your manners. Failure to do that marks you as a wannabe or even the universally derided HNG (horny net geek). It is unattractive and unappealing, not to mention inappropriate, rude, and disrespectful.

swan

Confused Jumbled Chaotic Swirling Winds

Lately I feel that we are in transition with our Blog here, and within our lives. When we began TheHeronClan, and its predecessor TheSwansHeart, it was at my direction that swan began posting. She was becoming depressed and feeling isolated living as the "non-married" third partner and slave in a D/s triad intentional family, in a new place, and having to a great degree burned her bridges with her family to join us. I wanted her to have a way to connect with others, to feel a sense of community. I knew that her intellect and literacy would make her a "sensation" in the blogosphere. All those objectives were achieved through our experience here as was my prediction of how she would be received.

Too, as a result we have made some wonderful friends, some of them virtual, and some real time people with whom we have come to share our lives and theirs, our feelings, triumphs, struggles, good times and failures. That has been wonderful.

I think early on we wanted to meet with people with whom we shared our polyamorous and/or bDDsm sensual erotic orientation. We believed that sharing that orientation was enough of a common bond to be socially compatible with others. I think we thought that, because of the stigma, and social isolation of these alternative lifestyles we would find all (or most) others on here people we would want to spend time with. We have learned that was a fallacy. We don't want to spend time socializing with all BDSM-ers or all polys, anymore than we would want to spend time with all heterosexuals, or all monogamists, or all secular humanists, or whatever other broad based demographic commonality. Thank goodness we have found a few people with whom we can be who we are without pretense, who have become good friends (with whom we never seem to be able to spend the time and energy we'd like). We have others whom we have yet to meet, but who we may well get to meet in the weeks and months ahead as well. This has been an important learning and a valuable and life affirming connection to others.

We live in Cincinnati, Ohio. Cincinnati is in general, as a community, one of the most backward, conservative, regressive, religiously obsessed major urban centers in North America. It makes finding friends with whom we share our orientation difficult. We have learned that we generally do not mix well with most other BDSM-ers and poly's in real time social situations, and the precious little time we have to spend with others we don't want to squander with people we don't enjoy.

We are less alone and isolated and this blog has been a vehicle to achieve that.

I am just as spanking obsessed as ever. I endlessly want to spank swan and wish there was more time for that and greater congruence in our mutual needs for spanking. That having been said, it is not likely that there could be a committed life long love between two people who share an orientation to adult consensual spanking, which is much more congruent.

When we were brand new together, I spanked her more often, and more severely than we do now. She was very fulfilled and excited by that. I was the happiest unrepentant sadist on earth. Over time and changes, and evolution of our relationship, and to a great extent aging, we do not continue that same spanking style. I know that I, as her Master, could well simply take her and beat her as much and as often as I choose to and could, not only ignore her trauma, but get off on it. The reality is I love her so deeply, and sadist that I am, I also care about how traumatized she is. I want there to be a healthy degree of symbiosis between us in our sadomasochistic intimacy. We struggle with a sort of sadomasochistic compersive compatibility paradox. If I am too high end in our play, she becomes emotionally traumatized and then feels she has failed and fears I will leave her for a "more worthy" partner, a complete fallacy, but it is her reality whether delusional or not. If on the other hand, I pull back too far in my spanking intensity, she has an intense need to be spanked that swells beyond control and makes her desperate for that closeness and intensity. I feel I perhaps am too concerned for her needs, and should simply pursue my own, but my need to see my love's fulfillment is just as much my reality as is her fear of being left for another. What a Knot!

About every two weeks someone from the Internet contacts me wanting to explore partnering with me around disciplinary spanking. I tell them honestly how that would work with me. That generally ends the exploration:) They want to be spanked, but not painfully, or not actually in ways that would make change in their lives to achieve behavioral objectives inevitable (despite that that is overtly what they express a desire to achieve). They generally want to be enmeshed in a co-dependant gavotte with a spanker who will pretend to "discipline" them, so they will experience spankings they will secretly "get off" on, as they melodramatize their angst at being disciplined (i. e., the functional description of most of what passes for DD). I am decades past the need to tell them what they want to hear to get them over my knee, or to not confront them for duplicitousness with themselves and me about what they want. Besides that, if I am going to expend any of the precious time and energy I need for swan, t, my Dad, t's Mom, my agency, friends, etc. on someone else, they will relate on my terms. I get so tired of people who want you to Dominate them, and who want to be Dominated just the way "they say." BULLSHIT! Surprise, surprise those relationships never come to fruition even as disciplinary mentorships (which is all they were ever intended to be.) Additionally, even the existence of these correspondences makes swan wildly insecure, and fearful she will somehow be jettisoned (which belies a complete lack of understanding of me, of what I feel for her, or my devotion, and leaves me feeling not only frustrated at my inability to have a disciplinary mentoring relationships, but feeling terrifically misunderstood and negatively judged.) There are times I find myself wondering about spanking other men. I have no homo-erotic orientation, but wonder if that could permit me to practice a purely sadistic spanking practice, without there being any (perceived or real) potential for romantic or sexual entanglement as a result. If I ever begin to move that way though, such major approach/avoidance develops that it quickly dissembles.

My grieving over the loss of t's and my sadomasochistic relationship for nine years now, is long past. I am proud we have found it possible for us to continue our love and marriage with her as service submissive and sister to my swan.

There are times when I wonder at my complete loss of my ever exploring or playing with the bottom end of the power exchange as I once did. I hear swan's longing for that and wonder if that would provide an outlet for t and i to reconnect to a degree sadomasochistically, but then too, I have no such inclination, and experience approach/avoidance (unbalanced in the direction of "avoidance") when I try to wrap my head around that alternative.

I keep having spanking technique themed essays that bounce about in my head and never seem to come to composition. My now decades long practice of adult consensual spanking has evolved, both in my techniques and desires. I am way more interested in intensely stinging spanking with lighter and whippier implements, that excruciate partners and minimize the damage and "thuddy trauma" that results. I have recently realized that the style of switches I most desire to use (switching still being my favorite flagellation technique) is actually a style of birch called a Manx Birch named after a community is Wales (Manx) where they began using these style switch rods as judicial and domestic disciplinary birches in the 19th and 20th centuries in the UK. There are times when my never ending obsessive fantasizing of administering these switchings makes me question if this is some sort of collective unconscious archetypal memory or past life echo.

I would like to have the time, space and partnership to further my practice of single tail flogging. I have wonderful whips and haven't really had the time or opportunity to develop my skill with them beyond a mere average. I am never satisfied with average excellence in any aspect of my life, and certainly not in this most seminal aspect of my identity.

I am seeing an evolution in the blogosphere. So many Blogs we've valued have discontinued recently. So much of what is written now is different than what was common five years ago. To have success, defined as building readership stats, it seems one must write superficially about spanking as a humorous and erotic device, or preach a lifestyle orthodoxy, to have insecure new explorers of this aspect of their lives emulate your life not find their own way, to their own truth and love.

When we began here our purpose was to express ourselves truthfully, and to connect with others who could resonate with that reality. It was not to achieve volumes of Internet linkages but to achieve as many quality relationships as we could. Recently my (and therefore our:) prioritization of that value is reaffirmed. I have every desire for us to describe the reality of our lives. I have no desire for others to change their realities based upon our choices. If some do feel there is resonance that is supportive of them in their lives, what wonderful serendipity, but that is purely an "extra." We will continue to decry lifestyle gurus with their helplines when that occasion occurs even if they continue to threaten to out us to our employers and ruin our professional lives for daring to confront their co-dependent exploitation of those who are insecure enough to succumb to guru worship.

If there is any theme to this post I have no idea what it might be, other than discontinuous chaos.

I have felt a need to get these thoughts out of me for some time and as embarrassed I am about the lack of quality composition in this post, I hope that "getting it out of me" will free me to move on in my future writing. If you have had the misfortune to wade through this, my gratitude and condolences.

All the best,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Beware!

There's blood on my sheets. Not menstrual blood -- I don't do that anymore; haven't for years. No. The blood stains on my sheets are there because He spanked me on Saturday morning with a variety of paddles, straps, floggers, canes, and whips. When He was done, He told me that I'd gotten blood all over the toys.

Nod.

My skin is fragile and there are times when it blisters and breaks under the impact of our play. From two or three places on my backside, the blood flows -- sometimes in a slow ooze, and sometimes in a much more impressive sort of flow. Sometimes, He quits when the bleeding starts. Sometimes not. It isn't anything that I can ever actually discern in the onslaught of sensations -- I never know if there is blood or not... until I see it splotched across the sheets.

But it is there -- the blood. Smeared and splashed on the paddles and the whips and the straps and the canes. My blood. Yesterday, and last week, and the week before that ... time after time after time. Next week and the week after and the week after that.

Blood marks my place. Blood defines my space. Blood becomes the signature of my submission and slavery. It will not be washed away.

swan

My Fantasy

In the last couple of weeks, I've begun to harbor a secret fantasy... My fantasy has captured my imagination, and whenever my mind has time to rest quietly, I find myself dwelling on the possibilities...

In my fantasy, we sell our cars and our homes; liquidate everything; we take our respective retirement benefits -- and we retire to Mexico. There is inexpensive health care available there. We could easily rent a comfortable and attractive home for a about a quarter of the price we pay each month for our two condos. We'd have less stress. We'd have more time. No more packing our lives in around our work and the demands that makes.

It seems like heaven to me. I keep finding myself imagining a life that is simple and uncluttered and that moves at the pace we set. I am, I guess, wanting to run away from all this grown up worry and work. It is completely and utterly impractical I suppose, but somehow my mind just won't let it go.

Maybe I'll start studying a bit of Spanish... Won't hurt anything, and it will feed my dream.

swan