AC-CENT-TCHU-ATE THE POSITIVE (Mister In-Between)
(Johnny Mercer / Harold Arlen)
You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene...
For those of us old enough to remember Bing Crosby, this silly little lyric may seem familiar. To the younger set, probably not. I went hunting for this bit of musical "ancient history" because I felt like I needed words to help me frame the intent with which I want to approach this new year.
I had a sort of sad feeling weekend, because I got swept up in a wave of mourning for my surgically amputated sexual responsiveness. Those down in the dumps places happen less and less frequently these days, but when I get hit with that blast of self-pity, there isn't very much that anyone can say to make me see anything but blackness extending out into the forever future. When I get like that, I really need good old Bing to waltz into my world and set me straight --
I expect to have periods of time when I will encounter afresh my grief over what I've lost. I think that is not made easier by this lifestyle or dynamic. The mysterious BDSM brew that is compounded of pain and pleasure is, for me, by definition short on the pleasure side. It is the fact. It is not changeable within the context of my life. It is not the end of the world.
I suspect that what is needed is a shift in focus. For every "this is missing" there is some bit with which I am richly endowed. I cannot change what is, but I can spend my energy attending to the good things -- accentuating the positive. If I can figure out that trick, I suspect that I'll have more better days ahead.
swan
i remember that song ... and all i can say is.. "me too"
ReplyDeletemorningstar (owned by Warren)
As you well know, I have recently experienced a lot of loss and change with my body. I don't talk about it on my vanilla blog, but the whole cancer thing has DESTROYED my orgasms. I've never had trouble with that in my whole life till now. They still happen *sometimes* but they are harder to come by and they are so... mild. I can barely feel them. It's like they have a beginning, but no middle or ending. They just kinda fizzle. How fucked up is that? Sigh. It is all very unfair and leaves me cranky and tense. I never imagined myself in this place.
ReplyDeleteI will try carrying your "tune" as wallowing in pity and living in a state of grief doesn't seem to help. Maybe I just need more practice? . I'm in no way a masochist and glad I don't have to struggle with the issues you do. Talk about complex!
I know it's trite to say - but growing older is better than the alternative. I've taken a look at death recently and I'm pretty sure I'm not quite ready for that.
I'll be humming...
morningstar -- smile. I'm glad I'm not the only one old enough to remember this tune.
ReplyDeletejojo -- What you describe is EXACTLY the way I experience orgasm, if I can get there at all. I never expected to lose that part of my life, and I don't know if I'll ever entirely stop grieving the loss. Still, there are good things, and I am not as cranky as I was four years ago.
You've endured far more than I have in terms of just fighting to survive, and you are right -- I'm not ready for dying just yet either. Still, call me a petulant child, but I want what I want. Damn!
swan
...and maybe adapt it just a bit ... "Don't mess with the Master in-between."
ReplyDeleteI'm doing this a bit myself, although in a different area. The constant drain of losing my work to the parent care had drained me, changed me. I'm working hard to find my art again as an outlet. It's slow going, but I'm trying to do the same thing you are doing. We can surely do this.