Starting Over -- Both of Us

In His comment to the Aftercare post, Master wrote:

...I am finding myself feeling even more spanking obsessed than usual after our recent relationship crisis, and you absolutely can anticipate spankings of increased frequency and intensity, especially in light of our lengthy spanking hiatus after my surgery. The Surgeon gave me a release to return to normal activity when I saw him the day before yesterday. If only he knew what that entails:)

I think that in recent months, perhaps even years, as I have become concerned about not exceeding your limits and hoping to find a way for you to feel fulfilled by your spankings, you and I have both become confused about our Dominance/submission.

There is symbiosis in our relationship and it is best effectuated when I unequivocably exert control based on my volition and not (primarily) your gratification. There is nothing more distressing than a confused slave, as we have both just experienced over the holidays. I will clarify things between us.

I started out to respond to this in the comments section, but I have enough to say about it that it seems it is worth its own post. 

My internal response, ever since I read this in the middle of the afternoon today, is simply "yes -- yes, Sir."  While I believe that there may have been some intent to cause me to feel nervous and fearful at the prospect of an intensification of the dynamic between us, I find that mostly, I feel relieved. 

It isn't that I think that what lies ahead will be simple or easy or comfortable for me -- far from it.  I am quite sure that I will suffer and cry as He implements a much more intense power dynamic and includes significantly more SM play within that context. Still, I look forward with a quiet joy to the prospect of slipping back into my place with Him.

It has been a very, very difficult year for Him:  two major abdominal surgeries, a total and complete shift in lifestyle with regard to food and drink and exercise, regularly recurring health issues and scares about His elderly father, and some major worries and concerns about the economy and the ultimate survival of His agency...  Along with all of that, both of us are aging and that brings its own challenges.   He is not one to complain, and He most often celebrates what it good and positive with fairly lavish abandon, but it becomes tedious when the battles seem to never end, and He gets tired.  Of course He does.

With all of that, it is no surprise that a very great deal of our "normal" M/s dynamic has slipped away, or at least been put on the back burner.  We've not changed the definitions of what or who we are with one another, but more and more and more of our interactions have become vanilla-cized.  We've remained devoted lovers, but we've put aside much that embodied our intimate power exchange. 

Each of us have dealt with that shift in our own way.  Sadly, we haven't necessarily moved closer to one another as we've coped.  The distancing has been subtle, for the most part, but I think we've both noticed it.

I've always insisted that those of us who claim to be submissive, and especially those of us who are called slave, ought to self-maintain; ought to self-soothe; ought to hold up our end of the bargain without the requirement that someone impose the discipline from outside.  I don't think that Dominants should have to "make" us do what it is we've promised to do -- I especially don't think that MY Dominant Partner ought to have to do any of that.  That's been my belief and my theory, and I'll not back off from that at this point. 

Theory, however, is not always congruent with what happens in "real life."  Knowing that I'm capable of being self-sustaining, and knowing that I expect myself to do that, doesn't make it any easier to do it day after day.  I've assumed so much control in the last year, and maybe even for longer than that as He has struggled with an ever widening array of health issues, that it has become less and less clear to me where my submission begins -- where is the point where I can and should relinquish the control back into His hands?

We've just stumbled along together; doing what we could; letting go of what it seemed we had to -- neither of us feeling satisfied or content, and yet caught in a swirl of change and challenge that has kept us both stymied.  In some ways, I'm surprised that we managed to hang on as long as we did without some major blowup.  Looking back at the road we've been traveling, the fact that we finally reached a crisis point is not particularly surprising, and the good news is that it worked as a major "reset" for us both.  We are feeling our way along a bit, but it is a good sort of fumbling forward -- a huge improvement over the "drift on course" that has become the norm for us in recent years. 

Now, He is clear that He will re-establish the boundaries and re-exert His Dominance.  That gives me pause -- I am not naive about what that will mean.  Mostly though, I feel jubilant and almost giddy -- quietly of course, because I feel like I may finally be able to come "home" and rest.  I am looking forward to this year.  I am looking forward to learning anew, what He wants, what He expects, what the demands and rewards might be for this "new" life.

swan