Mapping The Awful Darkness

Don't let a past you can't change write your future script. - Dr. Morris Massey

I’ve been thinking, a lot, about what exactly happened to me over the last few days and weeks. How is it that my thinking and feeling; my self-concept became so tangled in a negative feedback loop that I broke apart into an emotional shatter? I do understand that I’m not any sort of professionally trained expert on the human psyche, and further, I realize that if I were a professional, I’d be foolish to diagnose my own mental maladies. I am, however, always intrigued by the workings of my mind, and I am particularly curious about the pathways that I followed into this particular mental thicket.

In the post I wrote in the midst of our recent relational crisis, I referenced the fact that I’d recently been reading a book about current thinking in the catholic church, and that I had experienced a significant and increasing level of agitation and anxiety as my reading continued. As I’ve calmed down, and had a bit of time to look back, I am convinced that, along with feeling stressed, tired, and strung out, the ideas that I subjected myself to through that reading invaded my consciousness, and tipped me into a near breakdown.

I was raised Catholic. My father was Catholic by birth, although for much of my childhood, he did not practice. We attended church regularly, and my brothers and I were all carefully taught the various bits and pieces of the catholic faith, but my father did not take part in the sacramental life of the church to which he was born and in which he, himself, was raised. His alienation from the catholic church derived from his marriage to my mother. She was not catholic, and in their time, marrying “out of the church” was cause for a major sanction within that faith community. For all of that, my parents were united in their determination to raise us in the faith. My brothers and I all attended catholic school, graduating one after the other, from 8th grade before moving on into the public educational system My mother, converted to Catholicism when I was in my teens, and from that point forward, our family was actively and ubiquitously engaged and involved in our local catholic parish.

I remember being a very spiritually skeptical child; wondering about some of what I was taught at church even when I was a very young nine or ten years of age. On the other hand, there were parts of the ritual and pageantry of catholic practice that appealed to me as a child. I still love the sound and resonance of hymns played on a massive organ in a huge vaulted church. When the darkness of winter impinges, I find myself charmed and enchanted by the symbolism of the advent wreath. It was all a kaleidoscope of imagery and sound and sensory input, accompanied by intensive indoctrination, and it was the air I breathed and the sea in which I swam as I grew up.

Research by Sociologist Morris Massey, suggests that there are 4 major periods that a person will go through in the creation of values and personality. During Basic Programming we soak up everything, and largely without any filters. We may not have the ability to determine the difference between useful and un-useful information at this stage of development. From age 0-7, we undergo an Imprint Period. Like a sponge; we pick up and store everything that goes on around us. It’s imprinted into us. The Modeling Period from ages 8 to 13 is when we begin to consciously and unconsciously model and mimic the basic behaviors and values of other people. Massey’s research suggests that our major values about life are picked up during this period, and our values are based on where we were and what was happening in the world at that time. During the Socialization Period from ages 14 to 21, a young person picks up relationship and social values, most of which will be used throughout the rest of her life. By age 21 the formation of core values is just about complete and will not change unless a significant emotional event occurs. Famously, according to Massey, “What You Are Is Where You Were When.”

Coming of age in that very catholic culture, I made choices as a young woman that could have all been predicted. I reached the age of sexual maturity with an absolute minimum of useful information, and not a single effective strategy for maintaining the virginity that was so highly valued by the church. I chose a partner who was "a good catholic boy," but without much in the way of personal initiative.  Finding myself pregnant at the age of 19, there was no question that I would marry the father of my child. In less than two years, I was transformed from naïve young girl to wife and mother to two young children. I was officially entered into the club for those of us who had “fallen short,” and so there was never any conversation or acknowledgement of just how my marital status had come to pass. I was enough of a product of my culture to “buy” the general consensus about my character and moral standing. Shame became part of who I was.

When we talk about “culture” in the context of our social life together, we mean the total way of life of a group of people. Culture includes everything that a group of people thinks, says, does, and makes. For those who live in the west, and particularly in the US, a good part of our shared culture is tied to values, beliefs, and assumptions of the Christian faith. Even for those who are not observant, there are shared cultural norms that are largely unexamined. To understand how this works, take a look at the list that follows. It was compiled by Dr. Lewis Z. Schlosser (of Seton Hall University) who’s research into the intersection of race, religion, and ethnicity is focused on antisemitism and identity development. Dr. Schlosser is interested in understanding and dismantling the unearned benefits afforded to Christians in the United States. Part of his work includes a compilation of Christian Privilege (modeled after similar efforts to identify the elements of White Privilege and Male Privilege in our culture):

1. I can be sure to hear music on the radio and watch specials on television that celebrate the holidays of my religion.


2. I can be sure that my holy day (Sunday) is taken into account when states pass laws (e.g., the sale of liquor) and when retail stores decide their hours (e.g., on Saturdays, they are open about 12 hours; on Sundays, they are closed or open for only a few hours).


3. I can assume that I will not have to work or go to school on my significant religious holidays.


4. I can be financially successful and not have people attribute that to the greed of my religious group.


5. I can be sure that when told about the history of civilization, I am shown people of my religion who made it what it is.


6. I do not need to educate my children to be aware of religious persecution for their own daily physical and emotional protection.


7. I can write an article about Christian privilege without putting my own religion on trial.


8. My religious group gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other religions.


9. I do not need to worry about the ramifications of disclosing my religious identity to others.


10. I can easily find academic courses and institutions that give attention only to people of my religion.


11. I can worry about religious privilege without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.


12. I can be sure that when my children make holiday crafts, they will bring home artistic symbols of the Christian religion (e.g., Easter bunny, Christmas tree).


13. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my religious group.


14. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my religion most of the time.


15. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a “credit to my religion” or being singled out as being different from other members of my religious group.


16. I can, if I wish to identify myself, safely identify as Christian without fear of repercussions or prejudice because of my religious identity.


17. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence and importance of the Christian religion.


18. I can protect my children from people who are religiously different from them.


19. I can have a “Jesus is Lord” bumper sticker or Icthus (Christian fish) on my car and not worry about someone vandalizing my car because of it.


20. I can buy foods (e.g., in grocery store, at restaurants) that fall within the scope of the rules of my religious group.


21. I can travel and be sure to find a comparable place of worship when away from my home community.


22. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my religion will not work against me.


23. I can be sure when I hear someone in the media talking about g-d that they are talking about my (the Christian) g-d.


24. I can be fairly sure that if I ask to talk to the “person in charge,” I will be facing a person of my religion.


25. I can be sure that people are knowledgeable about the holidays in my religion and will greet me with the appropriate holiday greeting (e.g., Merry Christmas).


26. I can remain oblivious to the language and customs of other religious groups without feeling any penalty for such a lack of interest and/or knowledge.


27. I can display a Christmas tree and/or hang holly leaves in my home without worrying about my home being vandalized because of my religious identification.


28. I can be fairly sure that some hate group does not exist whose goal is to eradicate my religious group from the planet.

Those assumptions are everywhere.  We all live with those cultural norms, whatever our beliefs, and I lived within that culture, with very little thought, for a very great many years. I struggled within myself, with drives and needs and fantasies that were definitely outside those boundaries, and I knew that it was ME that was wrong and bad. It never once occurred to me, in all those many years, that it might be possible to view all of life, and especially my own orientation, through some different lens – use a different set of filters and measures. When I did finally discover that there was another culture, however alternative, that understood and accepted my sexual and erotic nature as healthy and positive and perfectly OK, I was amazed, stunned, and utterly bedazzled. Different cultures value different things.

Officially, culture shock is the disorientation experienced when learning to live with a new culture and customs. Culture shock isn't a clinical term or medical condition. It's simply a common way to describe the confusing and nervous feelings a person may have after leaving a familiar culture to live in a new and different culture. Culture Shock is the reaction of your mind and body to the change from a familiar environment to another environment that is unknown. In your own culture, you know the language, all the ways a person behaves in different situations, the non-verbal behaviors, the values, and the ways of reasoning. You are able to do things automatically and without thinking. For example, you know how to greet someone on the street, how to answer the telephone, how to dress for different occasions, and how to ask for assistance if you need any. In a foreign culture, you do not have any of this knowledge. You have to think about how to do the smallest thing. That can be exciting and stimulating (and people who immerse themselves in a new culture often experience a “honeymoon period” of great intensity, but it can also be overwhelming because basic beliefs about good and bad are deeply rooted.

Some of the physical symptoms of culture shock include sleep disturbances and changes in appetite. A person suffering from culture shock may experience frequent minor illnesses and ailments like upset stomach and headaches. Psychologically, culture shock can lead to feelings of loneliness or boredom, homesickness, helplessness, dependence, irritability and hostility. Culture shock can cause a person to withdraw socially and rebel against rules and authority. Sufferers from culture shock may feel out of control, may feel unimportant. They may cry a whole lot. Yes, yes, yes, yes… just mark me off for a bunch of “yeses” on that list.

Surely, I’m no “newbie” to the BDSM culture. It isn’t like I haven’t learned much of what I need to know to function and thrive in my “new” cultural home. No doubt, I and we are well past the honeymoon phase. I think, I smashed into a perfect storm emotionally over the last month or so. We’d come through a phenomenally difficult year, capped off by the most recent medical emergencies for Master, and all of us were exhausted. We’d experienced a huge disruption in our dynamic, not unexpected, but stressful nonetheless, and things had yet to return to our version of “normal.” My travel, scheduled long before the medical crisis occurred created another instance for stress and alienation, and emotional disorientation. Then, I made the mistake of immersing myself, intellectually, in the language and cultural lingo of my childhood. With my internal defenses at low ebb, I fell under the onslaught of “old” thinking, and found myself living with two opposing cultural paradigms in my one mind. The cacophony grew and grew and echoed. Awake or asleep, I never found any place to be at peace with the conflicting messages. Arriving home, two days before Christmas, I was swept into our annual holiday marathon. There was no time to settle, no time to get my feet down, to time to talk (assuming I’d been coherent enough to parse what was going on for me).

Ultimately, all of that boiled over with a violence that must have seemed completely stunning to Master and to T, and to you, my friends. I stunned myself with the intensity of my reactions, my wildness, my panic. Imagine some wild creature, backed up with no place to run, snarling and lashing out – that was me. Having come through the storm, I am chagrined at what I created. I am anxious to find some set of patterns, some path, some magic mantra that will keep me safe in the future. I never want to go there again. Ever.

swan