Dominant -- "IS YOU IS, OR IS YOU AIN'T?"

One anonymous commenter to the last post observed:

I got some things to think about too. I'm in a new relationship, my first of
this sort, and I have not yet attended any sort of event or become part of the
scene. I don't know weather to call myself Dom, Master, or Top, but I find it a
little oxymoronic to be in the "in-charge" role in the relationship and be
inexperienced. For now, what we're doing is working, and we are both exploring
the possibilities and loving it, and the labels are less important., but this is
good food for thought.

My Anonymous friend, your comment is evocative, and I have some input for you about your feeling it is paradoxical to be Dominant and "new at it." Everyone of us has a starting point in actualizing this orientation. This is as trite as the classic, "We all were new once."


I well recall my early days of coming out into the BDSM community in reality. I too was very inexperienced, but I WAS DOMINANT. I've always been Dominant. I remember laughing when I was recently reunited with a cousin who had been a playmate when I was a young boy. She told me her memories of she and me included that when we played we always had to do things the way I wanted them.


You see, I have learned that either you are Dominant or you are not. If you are, you cannot prevent yourself from Dominating. If you are not it is not a skill you can be taught. Dominance is a personality style. It is, if you have it, your character. Like all traits it can be a true asset and simultaneously a burden. Being in control all the time is very exhausting. I know for me the only thing that is more draining is my not being in control.


I have had the experience sadly, of watching a number of relationships in which a submissive woman and a husband who was not Dominant try to forge a D/s relationship where he was trying to "learn" to be Dominant to please his partner. Now there is a paradox. If you are dominating to please your woman, it is she who is the Dominant partner -- not you. Most of these relationships have unfortunately dissolved in break-ups or divorce. My swan's marriage ended just like that. It was like watching a slow motion train wreck as they both came to recognize their needs and personalities were inherently mismatched, and always had been.


Dominants are secure in their identities. I think the ultimate expression of a secure Dominant is the ability to switch and play from the position of bottom partner. Not only is switching useful in learning to empathize with SM activities when you are playing in your normal role as Top, but learning to bottom and realizing that, even then, you are still Dominant leads to realization of just how deeply your Dominance is rooted.


Certainly there are things one learns along the way. You can be taught technical aspects of various forms of SM play. You can learn the lexicon of words, labels, titles and protocols that are common in the community. You can learn how to cane or whip someone safely and effectively. There are many learning's in this life.

There is no shame in not having yet had those learning experiences and, by the way, the path to learning all the aspects of this life, is wonderfully fulfilling.


It is however not oxymoronic to be inexperienced and Dominant. If you are Dominant, you are Dominant. You will be that. You will not be able to be anything else. If you are not Dominant, no amount of knowledge will make you so. On the other hand, if you are, more information will simply enrich and enhance your life.


All the best,


Tom


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.