You Are What You Are

We've had two comments on separate posts in the last couple of weeks -- one on the If a Tree Falls post, and the second on the post about How Do You Define Your Relationship?

The first, from greengirl, asked:

I realize that this is really a rhetorical question, but what you've written feeds into some other things I have been trying to think out recently: how does one come to the point of deciding that this is the path that is right? That what is fulfilling for you is "just slaving?" And that it will remain so?

And then there was this almost question from an anonymous commenter on Sunday:

I got some things to think about too. I'm in a new relationship, my first of this sort, ... I don't know weather to call myself Dom, Master, or Top, but I find it a little oxymoronic to be in the "in-charge" role in the relationship and be inexperienced...

As I have thought about those two bits, it occurs to me that they are really asking the same question from two different perspectives.  From the Top and bottom sides of the power equation, it seems to me that both these commenters are trying to get to the question, "How can I tell who/what I am, and how do I know how I fit into relationships with regard to the inevitable power dynamics of intimacy?"

The simple answer, to both questions, as the title here implies, is that you are what you are.  It can seem pretty complicated in the event, but the truth is that there really is no way for any of us to live our lives as something we aren't.  Each of us comes, pre-programmed in a sense, with all of the traits and characteristics and preferences and natural inclinations that make us the unique person that we are.  One of the biggest stumbling blocks that people encounter in the lifestyle, is that they become taken with a role or a personna, and then they try to assume that for themselves -- and quite often they try to impose some corollary role on their partner.  When those facades are radically or notably "other" than what is natural and real for the individuals, it almost always ends badly.

So, to greengirl's questions:  "how does one come to the point of deciding that this is the path that is right? That what is fulfilling for you is "just slaving?" And that it will remain so?"  I don't think that there is an actual "decision" point.  There is the work of coming to know, over time and with some significant personal work, who you really are.  Some of us have the natural tendencies that fit us for living as slaves, and I do not use that description in the luridly sexualized sense that is common online.  Those who are inclined this way, share some common habits and responses:  they tend to be patient, good listeners, observers of other people, naturally quiet and introspective, able to live contentedly within themselves.  Slaves are strong but also flexible.  It requires courage to let go of those things that we assume are "essential" to our own freedom and personal happiness, and then follow a different path to being fulfilled.  I think the natural slave thrives on bits of affirmation.  The occasional word of praise or acknowledgement will take a slave a very long way, but a slave is a bit like a camel -- able to keep on even when there is nothing much available to quench the thirst.  Slaves are self-contained, self-aware, self-directed, and self-disciplined.  When they give control into the hands of another, they retain the capacity to manage themselves (as needed) both externally and internally.  Slaves are the quintessential low maintenance partner.

If slaving is "right" for you, then it may show itself when the appropriate partner appears and allows that to  be manifest.  I don't believe it is possible to LEARN to be a slave, although it is surely possible to learn to slave for some particular person in some particular fashion.  I don't think that everyone who has the requisite personality traits will find their way into living that sort of life.  There are very few real slave types, just as there are very few opposite numbers to that personality type.  Slaving only becomes the "right" path when it encounters the "right" partner who makes it safe to BE slave. 
When that happens, it becomes fulfilling to "just slave."  Not necessarily easy -- slaving is work, and can be dull, repetitive, boring, and frustrating.  It can still be tremendously fulfilling.  Think of those who famously have lived out who they are:  however hard the work of writing a symphony, I imagine that for a Beethoven or a Bartok, that work was fulfilling.  There are times when no one knows or notices or acknowledges the work of slaving; when it has to be sufficient to know for oneself what it is and what it is worth.  For those who NEED external validation, slavery will never be fulfilling, and will never be the "right" path.

Just as it is true that the one who finds fulfillment as a slave is manifesting the essence of who they really are, the opposite number (the Master or Dominant) must likewise understand and know who they truly are.  As Master made clear in His Is You Is or Is You Ain't post, dominance is a personality trait that cannot be learned.  Our anonymous friend who wondered what to call himself:  "I don't know weather to call myself Dom, Master, or Top, ... and be inexperienced," was pointing to a very common misconception.  People tend to believe that Dominance comes from knowing how to swing a flogger, or how to tie a perfect rope harness, or managing to purchase the just so perfect leather pants and vest.  It is the classic confusion about the difference between DOING and BEING.  Dominance does not change with what the person is doing.  Strength, power, intent, ability -- all of these may change with circumstances and time, but the inherent propensity to control and be in charge of absolutely everything never seems to wane. 

I've lived in intimate relationship to two men.  My ex-husband had a number of fine qualities, but dominance was not one of them.  It simply was not part of his personal way of being in the world.  Master, on the other hand, has no move that is not Dominant.  He manifests that personality in everything He is and everything He does.  I think that in the deepest part of the night, when He is completely and utterly asleep, He remains, at some level, still in control...  I think that there are people who find the true Dominant personality to be difficult.  Dominants are people who never question their own judgement; who know that they are always right (even when they might be mistaken); who always know their own minds; who want what they want.  Dominants can seem, hell they can be, self-absorbed.  They are not particularly inclined to romance.  They may be remarkably perceptive, but they often choose very deliberately which perceived reactions and responses they will respond to in others.  A Dominant is the most amazingly secure and sure of human beings.  It isn't learned.  It is the absolutely "right" path for those who are IT.

swan