Writing about the path I've followed to recover my lost sense of sexual self, I outlined and tried to describe the big pieces of what has been an almost five year journey. Master and I have been sort of quietly amazed and delighted by the rejuvenation we can see happening. He read my post, and then asked if I thought that maybe some of it was the result of my soul retrieval. "Yes," I told Him. "I do think that is a real part of what has happened." He told me He thought I should write about that here, too. He's right; I do need to include that part of the story, but I find it more difficult to articulate and analyze. Still, as His comment on my last post pointed out, the work done in traditional therapy over the last year, and the soul retrieval have radically shifted my world -- and made a big difference in just about every way, including sexually.
Therapy made a difference. I am almost ashamed at how reluctant I am to acknowledge that fact. I do not like or enjoy participating in "talk therapy." It is a kind of intimacy that I find very difficult. However, even I have to admit that the time spent with "the world's most amazing therapist" changed my life. She worked hard to help me define, validate, and then move forward from childhood traumas. More importantly (I think), she took me into and through my expectations and beliefs and fantasies and desires and willingness and points of resistance related to my relationship with Tom. It wasn't easy. I was determined that nothing could change; that nothing would ever be alright again; that there was no chance of happiness or emotional wellness, and that I was doomed to either endure a lifeless vanilla relationship, or walk away from the love of my life. With enormous patience, and a remarkable lack of judgement, she walked me through the intricacies of power exchange -- helped me to see the less radical, less extreme possibilities. Slowly, slowly, slowly, I came to understand that there were parts of my life and my happiness that were MY responsibility. More, I started to realize that if I assumed responsibility for those parts of my safety and my happiness and my own pleasures, it did not have to undermine my relationship -- might even work to make it better and stronger.