I've had lots of time for thinking here lately. Watching someone heal and recover from surgery can be busy by times, but there is also a lot of time to just wait... I've gone back through the years of archives here and at Swan's Heart, and read a lot of what I wrote way back then. I've also noticed that, in those earlier days, it was common for posts to draw comments. Not dozens of comments, but sometimes a half dozen or even a dozen (singular). And it used to be that the things I wrote about here sparked responses from Tom.
Now, if I do think of something to say; something that seems to matter to me -- mostly there is no response. I have, after all this time, run out to the end of my "useful blogging life." Things have been too serious here for too long. We hardly spank anymore, and most often when we do, it is me doing the spanking. There's the beginning of exploration into shamanism, but that is just weird. I could put up menus and recipes but that's not what this place is supposed to be about. Baseball? Football? Politics? Our aging and living and quietly loving as we've come to? I've just got nothing to say that matters to anyone but me.
It makes me sad. I feel lonely. I wish for the days when there were lively conversations here. Things change. Life goes on. This has been a good place, and I have loved knowing the people who visited here. Time to move on; draw the curtains on this public thing.
swan
This makes me sad too. :(
ReplyDeleteI love the shamanism posts.
WOW...makes me sad too...I don't always comment, but I read every posts. I feel like I am losing a friend. But I know you must do what is best for you...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Conina and abby -- Please don't be sad. My life is fine; good. It is just really clear that there is nothing valuable or interesting left for me to say in this BDSM realm anymore. It isn't like there is any shortage of writers out there -- plenty of people with lots to offer. Sometimes, I think, it is just good to know when to exit quietly, stage right.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being friends here.
swan
I feel the same sometimes. There are times when I'm desperate for conversation, discussion, connection with someone, and I post something and it's like it falls silently into a pond with not so much as a ripple to show I was there. And I want to yell or walk away.
ReplyDeletePlease don't go. I don't find you irrelevant at all. I do find you academic and intellectual (NOT in a bad way! when did those become dirty words?), interesting and creative and way out in front of me in so many things.
I admit I have no idea what to say about shamanism. But I do read everything you post.
-sin
sin --
DeleteI really do get that place where you have "no idea what to say." I run into that an awful lot as I cruise from blog to blog. That too, is part of what makes me feel "irrelevant." Once I thought I knew something about all of this. Now... not so much.
I don't know that I intend to go away. But it is really clear that this isn't what it was anymore. Clearer to me that to anyone, I suspect. I just do not know what to do...
swan
The last few months I've been thinking about Yeats's poem "The Circus Animals' Desertion" when I've read your posts (particularly whe I read that one you took down because of hurt feelings. i hope you don't go. I think there are others whomare struggling with the aging body and
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reference to the poem... I went and read it myself.
Delete"Go" is an interesting characterization of what I meant by "moving on." I really do think that it is, for me, more about needing to redefine what this place is into relationship to what we are -- and what I am. We are, all, much too new, too fragile, too uncertain for the sort of wildly random sharing of internal feelings that have been the norm for me. As we all recover together, I find I need to be more considered about expressing my emotions.
swan
I feel sad that a connection to three people I have come to care about will be broken, I do understand, but after so many years it is, well an empty feeling.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Again, Karen, I do not think that this is "goodbye." I do think I need to write something different. Maybe, all I really need to do is to quit reading back in the archives...
Deleteswan
Just tuned in...hope you continue to write something as you express yourself well.
ReplyDeleteJoycew
I seldom comment but I always read!
ReplyDeleteSue, don't go for God's sake! I love so much reading this blog!
ReplyDelete"I've just got nothing to say that matters to anyone but me." That's not true, what you say matters to me, you've got such a perceptive mind!
Please.....
I think you are important, ESPECIALLY the boring, stable everyday bits. You need to be visible to remind us that after the storm and the struggle of choosing a different path there is the other side. Life goes on, the boat stops rocking quite so much and balance finds a way to restore itself.
ReplyDelete