A Different Look at SSC

I've been caught with lots of "thoughts" lately -- many of them heavy. I'm not unhappy precisely, but aware that there is a weight to life just now that is keeping me from dancing through the days as I might otherwise.

If I review the year we've come through, the reality is that much that we knew we would face as a family has come and gone, and we've weathered the storms. We are here all together, and for that I am grateful. I am also tired, and a little wistful. I look around, and note that, by and large, we are surrounded in our cyber neighborhood, by people who are significantly younger than we are, and who consequently do not face the same sorts of "issues" that we face (never mind that we have the freedom to come and go without having to find babysitters)... Somedays I really do find myself jealous of all those years I let go in clueless youth, when I knew what I was but did not understand it or embrace it -- so much wasted time now lost forever.

I can and do get scared, when the days go by, as they have lately, and there is no energy or physical well-being sufficient to "play," or really even to make love. Our M/s remains in the pouring of a drink, in the ironing of a few shirts, in the routines of bedtime preparations, and basic moment to moment courtesies rendered. Ownership patterns, by now, run deep. Still, I can see ghosting across our days, a time when we will be wrapped in one another's warmth, and the physical reality of the SM part of our relationship will forever be stripped from our grasp, and I fear that will come long before either of us are ready for it.

I've never liked the BDSM community slogan, "SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL (SSC). In play, it never seemed to make any sense to me. It seemed some sort of pablum to try and make the outrageous a bit more acceptable. I didn't come to this to be acceptable. I came to this when I finally accepted that I was outrageously fine just the way I was.

There is NO safety from the depredations of time. NOTHING sane about finding only to lose the race because we were too slow to make the connections. TOTALLY non consensual fading happening here even as we fight to hang on to the moments and the patterns.

This life is about passion. About promises made beyond what is sanctioned. About risks recognized and accepted.

I want to live right now. All the moments. All the feelings. All the promises. Always and all ways. Darkness or light, I will walk this way.

swan