When the choice is given

All is settled now. The date has been confirmed. I will report to the hospital at 6 AM, escorted by "spice," on the morning of December 29th for a laparoscopically assisted vaginal hysterectomy. The doctor tells me that (barring complications or the need for unusual pain-control medications) the procedure is "out-patient" and that I should go home the same day.

I am maintaining my composure at least some of the time, although I am honestly terrified and frankly pissed as hell at the whole business. Unfortunately, this has come to the point of undeniable medical necessity. I am resigned. I have intractable bleeding and continual and escalating pain which simply must be dealt with now.

I have made this choice rather than continue to try and deal with this using the only other available medical options which carry unacceptable levels of risk and potential side effects that are too seriously dangerous to consider.

The interesting fact, in my mind, is that I have made the choice.

It is clear to me that Master is relieved and glad to have this decision made. He is clearly of the opinion that this is wise and good and will result in my improved health and vitality when it is all over with and the recovery period has been negotiated. I can see that He has struggled mightily not to push for this decision much sooner. He has waited patiently (through a good deal of horrific womanly messiness) for me to come to this point on my own. He has allowed this to be and to become entirely my choice and my decision.

For that, I am deeply grateful. I realize that, within the boundaries of the life we live together, that did not have to be the case -- that Owner could have pushed much harder in this instance, and perhaps even insisted. I know He chose to not do that, and I know why He did not. My heart overflows with the knowing.

Even now, as we navigate through the scary waters of these next few days, I can feel the gentleness and deftness with which He is holding me and guiding me. The sadist is turned lover, allowing me to say what I need and how I am in each and every moment. I am feeling as volatile and as fragile as a glass bubble, and still He is there, cushioning each little bump.

Thank you, Sir. I love you, Sir... always and all ways.

swan