Grinch

The season approaches, ready or not, and I am NOT ready. Christmas time, for me, is always difficult.

Difficult on so many different levels.

Difficult because it implies a religious practice and observance and simple faith in which I do not partake and cannot find any path into anymore. There are still the imprints of the music, and I can sometimes get lost there, but most of that is so hackneyed that I can't even enjoy the largest percentage of it most of the time.

Difficult because there is the massive push to festivity that I simply do not feel right now. I am not the least bit festive feeling at the moment. My job is evaporating under me, and likely my career along with it. I go to school each day and take care of the children given to me for the day, and by the time I get home, I am emotionally wasted. And I am furious at the people who have brought this mess to pass... Their stupidity and naivety and just mean-spirited ugliness is unforgivable. Oh well, there will be some way to stay alive, but it will be without the singing joy of the classroom...

Master is ill, and no one can tell us what it is. Or why or how? Or what to do. Tests and more tests and no idea what to do next. Only days and nights of worry without a plan.

Money is tight and there are gifts that should be bought to send to so many people so that the season can be bright. Why? How?

And I must deal with the stupid body that rebels and bleeds and hurts. And I can't get it scheduled or planned or settled.

I am grumpy and grouchy and grinchy. Hurting the ones I love who love this season and want to sing and dance and make merry. Someone ought to stick me in a big box with a shipping label and call UPS. Send me off to who knows where... Just get me the hell out of here until sometime after Valentine's day...

I am the Grinch

swan