It isn't what You Think it is

I hear it all the time, sometimes stated outright and sometimes simply implied. There is an assumption that people tend to make almost all the time, and it goes something like this:

"Since you are into BDSM and since you are polyamorous, your life must be one endless stream of kink and hot sex."

That is the sort of thing that is likely to make a person snort milk through their nose.

Let me see if I can clarify this for those who are looking at whatever it is that they can see of our lives, and figuring that they "understand" about BDSM and M/s power dynamics based on whatever image they've gotten. It isn't at all like what you think you can see. If you could get into a place where you could see the entirety of our lives with any clarity at all, you would likely be surprised by how far off your assumptions probably are.

Beginning with what the words that we use might mean to people, here's the reality. I am a masochist, and I identify as a BDSM practioner who lives in consensual slavery. I am also tall and 53 years old and caucasian and I have brown eyes. There are a thousand other bits and pieces of information that might be used to describe who I am and how I exist in the world. The fact that I am a brown-eyed masochist is germane in terms of understanding the person I am, but it really doesn't change the facts. I still need to work for a living, prepare and serve meals, do laundry, take out the trash, stay informed, scrub the bathroom, make the bed, pet the cat, stay in touch with my family, and all the other ordinary, everyday things that we all do as human persons.

Nevermind all the hot and steamy fiction that has been written about what BDSM slavery might entail. Please go find a decent dictionary and look up the meaning of "fiction." The M/s dynamic that is foundational to our lives is really about two things. It is a direct result and response to our shared sexual/erotic orientations. It "fits" us. It isn't something we do so much as it is something that we are together.

He doesn't spend His time (generally) sitting around trying to figure out kinky and perverse things to do to me, and I don't while away my hours locked in a cage somewhere. We neither of us have the time to even contemplate such things. I serve and care for His needs in every moment and everyday. However, that looks pretty mundane and nothing at all like what you might believe if you are out there reading about how slavery works. It looks a whole lot like "wife" work I imagine. I make sure He has a lunch to take to work everyday. I make sure His prescriptions are managed appropriately. I work to ensure that He has clean clothes to wear and that His house is reasonably comfortable. I take care of a variety of minor chores and details from day to day that help to make Him comfortable and keep Him healthy. If you didn't know that I was His slave, you probably would never guess from simply watching the patterns of my days.

We engage in SM relating together when we can. That's key, that "when we can." There are plenty of people that I talk to who have relationships that are defined as something other than BDSM who are getting spanked way more often than I ever do. Many of my DD acquaintances have regular schedules of maintenance and disciplinary spanking encounters that have them immersed in SM relatedness multiple times a week. We are lucky if we manage to pull off one weekend session.

There is a defined power dynamic between us, and there was a time when we were much more sadomasochistically physical with one another. Life has brought its challenges and its changes. We are older and more often than not, days go by when our physical connection consists of falling exhausted into one another's arms to sleep. None of that changes the nature of who we are with and for each other. It is part of our journey together. It really isn't what you think it is.

swan