About "Rules"

Not long ago, from out of the wilderness of the Internet, a message came up on one of my lists from a person who identified as a "Master." The message was titled "For Discussion and Comment," and consisted of a list of rules for would be submissives.

OK.

I won't even get into the content of this little bit of writing. In my view, the rules that were listed were contradictory at best, and illustrated a lack of self-awareness and personal character in their darker aspects.

But then, I suppose I'd have seen a lack regardless of WHAT was written there no matter what. The reason for that is simple: I think conversations begin with "hello." I think that the foundation for power-exchange is some sort of relationship that connects two human persons, and it is my belief that relationship is not defined by rules, but by the kind of knowing that grows when we spend a bit of time with one another.

When did we all get into such an all-fired hurry that we came to believe that basic interpersonal courtesies were superfluous and entirely unnecessary?

I "get it" that knowing who you are and what you want/need is a really important part of building successful relationships. I have no problem with identifying that you are dominant or submissive or sadistic or masochistic or switchy or poly -- or whatever collection of labels you believe describe your particular orientation. That's a very good thing. I just do not agree that being X, Y, or Z releases any of us from being human, and humans are social creatures. We are more than our sexual/erotic orientations -- hence the value of beginning at the beginning with one another.

I like "hello." I like coming to know who you are beyond the fact that you own a whip. I like knowing what makes you laugh, what makes you angry, what you believe in, what you will work for in the world. How is it that people, and perhaps especially submissive people, allow themselves to be "taken in" by someone with a fancy name and a list of rules -- and nothing at all to offer of substance? That just amazes me. If there is one place in the entire constellation of my relationships where I do not want to be connected to "an empty shirt," that would be inside of my power-based dynamic. It is never particularly easy to maintain this kind of relating, but I believe it would be nearly impossible with someone who had nothing much to offer but a list of rules.

swan