We are only a few weeks away from Winter Wickedness. The first weekend in February, we'll be heading off to spend the weekend with other kinky folks, and that has always been something we have looked forward to and enjoyed.
This time though, the impending weekend is looming and, I for one am just not looking forward to it. Everything I see and read about it makes me think that I've finally reached the point where I am just not "good" at the public scene thing anymore.
There are a very great many things that make me feel dreadfully old and over the hill these days, but as I read the many, many messages that people are posting about this event, I am more aware of that reality than usual.
I was already feeling woefully inadequate to the realities of playing in the dungeon just now -- painfully aware of how terribly wimpy I've become. Now, though, I am beyond feeling inadequate, and am entirely intimidated. All the bubbly, exuberant list messages back and forth about exotic and weird things that people are planning on doing are just making me shake my head. There was a raging debate over whether or not people could do needle play in the designated "medical" area, and then leave the needles in for the entirety of the event. There is, of course, great anticipation of spectactular suspension bondage. There is a whole group that is all a-twitter about anal fisting. Everyone is busy telling everyone else about the fact that they are "on Fetlife," and specifying where they might be found in that online community. Today, the craze seems to be purple duct tape.
That's all fine. Whatever fires your rockets, and all that... It's all good I'm sure.
Except that I am just wondering what ever happened to beat and get beaten? Because, that really is the core of our thing, and it seems that there is no place at all for our kind of BDSM. Really. It feels as if we are simply too old, and too old fashioned to sully the environs where such inventive and wildly "juicy" play will be going on. All that crude and primitive, caning and flogging and paddling just has no place in all this flash and glamor.
Blech.
Tonight, at the dinner table, when the subject came up, He said, "I don't even want to go. Let's just figure the money is gone, and stay home and enjoy the weekend..."
Yeah. Let's.
swan
You know that we get so much out of these rare touchstone experiences where for a few brief days a hotel becomes "liberated territory" and we are briefly part of the mainstream culture of "our community." We will be there to revel in that community, and we will be there to embrace those who are new or somehow outside and need a catalytic asset to facilitate their inclusion.
ReplyDeleteI am not feeling well, but I bet I feel better there.
As for when and if we play, we will as I choose, and when and if we do, it will be because you are mine and I relish having you in that way in front of the community. I will be honored in your subjugation and suffering, and you will fly from your bonds. (And we will be sensational in that all the newbies we've met mostly feel S&M means Stand and Model. They will likely run screaming for dungeon monitors should I actually strike you:)
It was only a short 5 years ago when our scene was the huge sensation of the first night at the COPE which held its dungeon in a wareshouse. The next morning we got up and power-walked six miles, in the fastest time we ever achieved, in the after glow. Now I will struggle to walk to the dungeon, but my pride, energy, excitment, and honor will be no less. And your sister's contribution will add all the more to us. We didn't even have her for that scene six years ago.
We will go. There will be aspects that are new. We may well grouse like old folks sometimes do, that things aren't as they were when we did them:) Or better yet maybe we'll find new ones to embrace. The community there will be fuller because we add our gifts to the mix, and we will be once again incuded and simultaneously inclusive.
I am proud to be going to Winter Wickedness with my family.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
hmmmmmm......this posting, and Tom's comment, struck two different things in me.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first worked up the courage to step into the D/s community, attending a public event was SO scary, but also proved to be fun. The people I met were, in the main, extremely friendly and one of them, who had us stay with her, has become one of my closest friends.
These days, we have become much more 'domestic' and that's comfortable for me. I'm definitely a 'curl up on the sofa with a few friends' kinda gal rather than someone who wants to be out there partying. M's mostly comfortable with that too, but every once in a while he likes to push the envelope....to take me outside my comfort zone, just because he can.
Hearing Tom struggle a little with his health issues reminded me of my own struggles to put myself out to go anywhere. I used to love to go away, to travel, but now find it takes a huge energy toll on me. However, if its a good visit, the energy I get from it balances out the energy it takes from me....and usually gives me a lift.
Whatever you end up doing with that weekend....rejoice in being able to do it together.
love and hugs xxx
dear dear swan.......
ReplyDeletehow many times have you listened to me wail ?? whine?? worry - ok definitely worry..... about playing publicly??? like you i feel old and out of place..... i always worry i will somehow disgrace Sir ...
i rather liked Raheretic's comment above.. His attitude towards the whole weekend.... those young 'uns have much to learn from experienced players (notice i didn't say "older"?? grinning) And with Raheretic on one side and t on the other.. how can you go wrong...
go .. have fun... wow them swan.. cause you all will !! Trust me on this .. you all will !!! i have faith...
morningstar (owned by Warren)
I don't know anything about public 'playing', but I do share the experience of being older than many in numerous environments, being all too aware that my body is not what it was 10 yrs ago, and feeling a distinct gap between myself and those others. The gap starts with the body stuff we have just mentioned, but then goes to a difference in vision, priorities, and resultant choices. In reality, I've realized I also choose to stand apart. I know it would be nice to be able to immerse yourself without a care in the world, but it seems you have grown beyond that.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I do like Tom's thoughts on those young people, and what you can do for them. (Aside from his obvious pleasure in YOU which is just lovely!)I always watched people older and/or more experienced than myself. I tried to learn from them, I still do. I have also been gifted with the opportunity, here and there, to help another along like I was helped. Even being a role model is huge. There may well be some young woman, perhaps lost in the crowd, who is looking for a more experienced big sister to help guide her through all that. I hope she find you, but if not, know she is watching!
And please, when we are 75 we can call ourselves old. The 50's are the "new middle age!" That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Master -- thank You for Your words here. They reassure me in a way that I cannot explain. I am honored to be Yours, and I promise that I will do my very best to make You proud to have me with You at Winter Wickedness.
ReplyDeleteI love You.
Yours always and all ways.
swan
I'd like to second sara's notion that having older people in the crowd is a huge plus, as it gives us an example and a vision for our own future. I'm in my 30s, but I consciously seek out women in their fifties and sixties who have the kind of life and attitude I would like to have at their age.
ReplyDeleteJust because the general culture has fallen into the trap of dismissing the wisdom of age and the incomparable value of elders does not mean that our culture should. D/s reclaims much that has been thoughtlessly discarded by the general culture; making space for, involving ourselves with, and revering elders looks like an excellent place to stand apart, to me.
This is especially important, I think, given that people in the D/s community often have the experience of having to hide from or break with their families of origin, and have no personal experience of a friendly, accepting, and wise extended family.
(Oh! And Fetlife isn't so bad. Really!)
I am so grateful to view the love between you three.
ReplyDeleteI am deeply happy for you that you've got each other. It is a very big blessing even to view.
Tom is a poet. :) Just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteI've actually been chewing on this since I read Tom's post to the group and saw this last night, and had several points...but he just blew them all away with his response.
I agree, you guys will put all the "posers" to shame, and those who are left (which personally I believe will be the majority, knowing as many of the folks who will be there as I do) will smile and nod, knowing what they see is the real thing. :)
And I can't wait to meet you.
Eu