Evil, Nasty, Predatory Monster

Late last week, a post showed up on one of the listserves that I still participate in. I don't really know anything about the person who wrote it. I believe the woman is not a frequent poster, but then, neither am I. What she wrote, however shocked me.

The short version of the story is that she and her "Master" are in a primarily long distance relationship that entails occasional face-to-face contact. When the relationship began, some years ago, the Master required her to be tested for STDs, and she learned as a result that she has genital herpes. The relationship went forward with the stipulation that she would take ant-viral medications, and they would practice safe sex. The "Master" volunteered to pay for all the medications and required medical appointments. She reported that she became frustrated at the infrequency of sexual contact and so stopped taking the medications and didn't tell Him. She had sexual relations with Him without advising Him of the discontinued medication regimen. When He confronted her about the situation, and she admitted to what she had done, He banished her from His home and His bed... What, she wondered, could she do to re-establish trust and stop "testing" Him?

The list kind of just sat there for a very long day after that little piece appeared. Silence was thunderous. I watched to see what response there would be, until I just couldn't stand it anymore. Then I unloaded. It is my opinion that such deliberate deceit, such a lack of integrity, such willingness to risk the well-being of a partner has no place at all in any relationship, and certainly is inappropriate within the context of a power-based relationship. As far as I'm concerned, this ding-a-ling ought to be facing legal charges. There's no reason at all to go easy on this kind of sleazy and irresponsible behavior. We ought to, as a community, be straightforward in calling this sort of predatory nonsense exactly what it is.

I wonder if the silence, the failure to step up and say that this was not "OK," was about the fact that it was the Dominant partner who was victimized? We have a culture in the lifestyle that causes us to lean toward the belief that it is the submissive who is vulnerable to abuse by scene predators. We are much slower to see, understand, and react to the ways in which the top part of the power equation can be victimized and harmed by unethical and unscrupulous bottoms.

It is entirely reasonable to withhold judgement of our various and divergent kinks. It is not at all reasonable to withhold our sanction when someone behaves in a deliberately destructive fashion within a lifestyle relationship.

swan