Coyote Wisdom

This is a "book review" of sorts.

Master's daughter gave me a copy of "The Daily Coyote" for Christmas. The book, by Shreve Stockton, is the outgrowth of her blog of the same name, which chronicles her life in Wyoming with an orphaned coyote puppy named Charlie.

My initial interest in The Daily Coyote came about because I shared about 17 years with a family "dog" who was more coyote than anything else. Smoky was a poor, tiny, wet, bedraggled looking baby when I found her in the parking lot of the grocery store on a stomy February night. I had no idea that she might be wild, and really believed that she might have gotten out of someone's car without them noticing. I assumed someone would be looking for her, and we searched diligently for her owners. It took us awhile to understand that it was likely that she'd been abandoned by her coyote mother. Our Smoky was not entirely coyote. Our best guess was that she was at least part German Shepherd and/or Collie, but the wild part was clear very early and throughout her life. She was an absolutely loyal and delightful family member.

That background explains why I became interested in The Daily Coyote. I hadn't actually thought about the book, but it was, in the event, a perfect gift.

I don't get a lot of time to read. I usually read in little snippets of time, most often in the bathroom. In spite of that, I've devoured this book and found it to be amazingly insightful about power and freedom and relationship. I'm imagining that the author never anticipated that anyone would read her words in exactly the light that I have, but it strikes chords in me on many levels. Check it out:

About her thirst for adventure and experience, Stockton writes: "Great unknowns were out there to be seen, felt, experienced; this is what life meant, this was what life was for."

That feels like my own personal philosophy on life -- at least when I'm feeling strong and centered and "in my right mind." I know that my willingness to step off into the "unknown" has carried me through trouble and uncertainty and into great joy and fulfillment. When I'm unwilling to simply go into life with that openess, I become stuck, frustrated, and stymied. Reading this, I was reminded of what Helen Keller said, "Life is either a great adventure, or it is nothing."

About people's reactions to Charlie: "The most startling part was being witness to people's reaction to Charlie, or lack thereof. Mike and I stopped at the A&W for milkshakes, and when the girl brought them out to the truck, she looked at mike and then across the length of the truck to me, offering small talk as she handed us our shakes, oblivious to the coyote between us. Even though Charlie sat on the seat between us with his ears perked high, she simply didn't register him."

Wow! There it is again -- that thing that we do so often as a poly family: hiding in plain sight. There was a time, when we were newer to this, that we often felt a bit self-concious when we were all out together in public. To us, it seemed that we had "ALTERNATIVE" or "WEIRD" or "KINKY" emblazoned all over us in bright neon letters. The reality, as we have come to understand, is that most people see what they expect to see. If they have no concept of something, like polyamory for example, then they simply do not "register" it.

Struggling to understand the changing dynamics with Charlie as he grows older, she writes: "I had always considered Charlie and me more of a team than as having a relationship based on rank. In fact, I had made it a point not to own him, and to coexist without ever being the boss of him."

Isn't that sort of typical of our cultural "values" these days. We tend to enter into intimate relationships with a belief that "equality" is appropriate, necessary, even desirable. In spite of the simple reality that the notion of "equality" in relationships is purely illusory, people persist in believing in it and trying to implement it. If we tell ourselves and one another the truth, we all know that relationships are permeated with power dynamics. In the home, but also in our more public encounters, nearly every interaction has elements of power associated with it. We spend our lives, from the time we are very small, jockeying for position and advantage in our dealings with others. However we might imagine our relatedness, it is a fact that we are continually shifting from the position of boss to that of "bossed." It is unavoidable. How much better if we know that and exercise that reality with deliberate intent and consciousness?

After reading the work of Cesar Millan: "Canines are happy to be followers' there is less mental stress involved, and order brings them a sense of peace. However, if they sense leadership is faltering, they will take it upon themselves to become the dominant figure to fill the void. In their mind, someone must be the boss or chaos is imminent."

I am not into "puppy" play, and I've never believed that humans in BDSM relationships are like dogs, but substitute "submissives" or "slaves" for the opening word, "canines" in this passage, and you have a truism about those of us who live in power-based relationships. We are happiest and most comfortable when there is a competent leader in charge, making for order in our worlds. When the limits are clear and the hand on the tiller is steady and sure, we are usually calm and easy and secure. When we sense that the control is wavering or uncertain or unsteady, we, well some of us (me included), are tempted, or even compelled to try and step into that void. It isn't comfortable and we're unhappy doing it, but that rudderless feeling scares the heck out of us.

As she learns from the coyote, she develops insights about herself: "I didn't know I was so coyote. But it was part of me from the very beginning. The loner, running for myself and by myself ... excruciatingly sensitive, with difficulty trusting until after thorough investigation and even then, reserving absolute trust ... at times, deferring to those around me out of sef-protection but not necessarily respect. Happy to sit and observe; a little pushy when I wanted soething. Desiring, most of all, to bring smiles to those around me ... and with that, power."

It isn't the description of the typical submissive personality that I've read in a thousand places over the years, but it fits with my reality. If I have to be "on my own," I'm going to be pulled in, reserved, stand-offish, and hugely self-defended. I can play the game of offering respect without actually feeling respect, and I'll do that if I think the situation warrants it. I don't have an urge for the limelight, and I'm happiest when others are happy. If I can't get what I want and need from those around me, I'm likely to keep pretty much to myself. I'll pull my power close and keep it available only for me if I don't have reason to believe it is safe to share it.

Finally coming to an understanding of the power dynamic between herself and Charlie, she seeks advice from a wise aunt, experienced with canines, who advises: "The task for both of you, is that you each need to surrender. Chalie needs to get to the point where he can surrender to you, because he trusts you, and you need to surrender in a differnet way, to the reality that life in not always perfect, not for anyone or anything, and you have to allow that part of the process, not only for yourself, but for those around you."

That is likely, the purest description of the path we travel with our partners as we seek to create good, healthy, fulfilling power dynamics -- mutual surrender to the very essence of our place in the world. It is an inextricable connection: the One who knows and understands, who has the vision of what life is and what it can be becomes the focal point and the available repository for the trust of which they are worthy. When we each find that place, that balance, then the power that we hold between us is unleashed to create the lives we dream as possible.

It is an odd place to find insight into what it is that we do, but I think that "The Daily Coyote" is a must read for those of us who live this life. There is great wisdom to be found inside of an intriguing story, and the lovely photography is an added bonus.

swan