Something Is Changing

It has been four years since my hysterectomy.  In December of 2005, my uterus, cervix, and ovaries were surgically removed.  I experienced an almost total cessation of my ability to be sexually responsive in the aftermath of that surgery.  I pursued fairly aggressive medical interventions to try and overcome the impacts of the surgery, and I fell into an intense depression when those efforts brought no improvement.  In the intervening years, I've passed through seasons of fear, hope, anger, despair, and resignation.

I've been lucky to avoid the vagional dryness and thinning of the membranes that many menopausal women experience.  We've continued to make love regularly through all these months, and while I don't often achieve orgasm, intercourse is not generally difficult or painful.  He and I have enjoyed the closeness it brings us, even as we've experienced disappointment with my lack of response.

Lately though, things seem to be changing.

It is as if something in me has awakened again -- or regenerated.  My desires, which have never disappeared, seem stronger.  Sometimes, in the last few weeks, making love with Him, I've been able to follow the rhythms along a dim, faint trail, and find hidden there -- my own release.

It always surprises me, and leaves me breathless and wondering.

I find myself lying awake in the night, grinning like a silly fool -- and hoping that whatever magic spell has been cast over me in these days holds.

It has often been said that "youth is wasted on the young."  Probably that is true.  I never knew, in those flush, lush days of my womanhood, that there would be years when I'd thirst for just a hint of the lustiness I knew once.  Now, wiser, I am inclined to treasure the precious glories of my own sex.  I don't scale the heights of pleasure very often or very reliably these days, but when I do get there, oh -- it is an amazing thing.

swan