Last week my Mom stopped me on my way out of the hospital and said "Please....". Then she said "Larry". I asked her if she wanted me to call my brother and she said no....she patted her chest and said "Larry".....ahh....my Dad.
My Dad died from cancer 23 years ago. It was quick, it was ugly.
My Dad was the love of my Mom's life. She never dated after he died. The night we were rushing back to the hospital because the nurses called and said he was not going to make it through the night, she told me "I am losing my best friend".
And she is ready to be with her best friend. She is tired. She has worked SO hard to be well enough to go home. And now, I think, she is ready for her friend.
Today, I called the hospital for my daily update and the nurse was very pleased. Mom had eaten breakfast, was sitting up in a chair and had gone to the bathroom....IN THE BATHROOM! The catheter had been removed. And she was having a really good day. I asked her to tell Mom that I would be in after work and that I love her. That was about 11am.
1:30pm my brother called to tell me that she had stopped breathing and her heart had stopped. The crash team was with her and trying to revive her. I left work, got Tom and we flew to Dayton. She was back. She was weak and in a great deal of pain. They had her on a bipap machine to assist with her breathing. The entire family was there. It was scary and sad. Mom is tired. She has worked so hard. She has done everything she can.
When we were getting ready to leave, I kissed her goodnight and she reached out and said "Please". I told her I would do whatever she wanted. And she said "Please" again.
I know what "Please" means. It means "Please let me go", "Please know I love you", "Please let me be with my best friend".
I am her POA. I am the one who can stop all of this. But I have a brother and I do not want him to hate me if I let her go without him involved in the discussion. So I called him and we talked. It takes him longer to get his head wrapped around things, and he wants another day. I think he just needs more time to get used to being without her. I have explained that a DNR would not keep them from trying to improve her health, that it would just stop them from extreme measures in resuscitation.
Mom was resting comfortably in a Morphine dream when we left. One part of me prays she is still there when I visit tomorrow. But a big part of me wishes she could "Please" be with Dad.
Thanks for all of your hugs and wishes.
T
Such very hard decisions for you and your family...
ReplyDeleteYou are very brave and obviously love your Mom so much to accept her wishes in this. Bless you.
My thoughts are with you all. Sending you hugs.
im sending you sooo many warm tight hugs...
ReplyDelete~~~~~~~~hugs~~~~~~~
Hisflower
We will, when the time comes for Mom to be with her best friend, lose the center and heart of our lives. Mom has made a life of loving and caring and accepting and holding an open space for her own children through all the vagaries of their growing up, but too, for all the motherless children in the world ... for wayward and sometimes difficult daughters-in-law, for Master, for me, for a wide ranging and diverse crowd of grand children and great grandchildren (not one of whom has ever been a "step" or a "half"). Year after year, as long as I've known her, Mom has presided over a busy and bustling crew of folks who have all become "family" just because SHE insisted on making that so.
ReplyDeleteThere is only just a bit of time left for us to love and hold this grand lady. She will leave us, sooner than any of us want. But, she is ready, and we are struggling to be ready to wish her godspeed.
swan
I am holding all of you in my thoughts. My father also expressed to us when he was ready to stop fighting and move on, he died a week later. I know this is hard and I know you will be there for "Mom" and for each other.
ReplyDeleteHugs, Alice
oh t......... oh all of you........ my heart weeps and i pray that each of you get exactly what it is you need right now......
ReplyDeleteplease know i am holding you all very close....
morningstar
Swan
ReplyDeleteI pray that you and your family find peace and comfort in your hearts that your Mom will be with "her best friend" when the time comes.My heart goes out to each of you in this very difficult time.
Master JB
I really have nothing to say, nothing to add that hasn't already been expressed.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
You are all in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteBest,
Baby Girl :)
I know we will reach this point with my grandmother too. Like your Mom, her husband was her best friend....there was never another for her after he passed.
ReplyDeleteOn the day my husband died he took my hand and despite the fact that he was finding it difficult to speak said to me "I need to go. I know you're not ready for me to go. We both know you never will be. I wish I could stay but I need to know you're ok with my not fighting any longer." Telling him it was ok was the hardest thing I've ever done, but in those moments we find the strength to do what we know in our hearts is right.
You are all very much in my thoughts and I send much love and soft hugs.
xxx
My sweetie heart leave it to you to wrench so beautiful and sensitive a post out of so much pain.
ReplyDeleteI know your heart is breaking and that your Mom is so many things to you not the leasst of which is your best friend. I know too your strength, character, and love will empower you to do what you are called to do. I will support you as you hear that call and where ever that leads us.
I am doing insomnia again feeling this so acutely on the heels of losing my Dad January 26. I am another of the motherless children your Mom took under magnificant and loving wings and I feel her loss devastatingly. Not only did she "adopt" me but she shared with me her most wonderful gift, her beautiful daughter, as my wife. I love you so much.
For readers here from overseas, or who may not be familiar with health care jargon. When in this post t refers to her being POA it means she is her Mom's designated health care power of attorney. This empowers her to make health care decisions on behalf of her Mom when she is incapacitated beyond competence. The DNR stands for a medical order "Do Not Resuscitate" meaning that should she crash again as she did yesterday they would not resuscitate her as they did yesterday.
Thank you to our frineds here. Your heart felt expressions of support for t and swan and I as we struggle our way through this mean so much and do help.
Mores & mores,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
it is such a heartbreaking decision, but I can see that your heart and soul know the answer; bless you for allowing your brother time to understand. This type of decision is fraught with so much emotion, so many conflicted thoughts and arguments which wage war within your heart and soul; yet when the silence is allowed to roll in, you know the answer.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is with you.
You are all very much in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteLove and hugs to you all.
Ronnie
xx
Oh, T., how I wish I could reach through and put my arms around you. You have the difficult "daughter" role, and are so strong while it hurts so much. I am thinking of you, praying for you, will stay with you throughout your day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS)))
S
Letting someone go is the hardest thing in the world. It's a strangely beautiful thing to watch, though. It's such a selfless act. Perhaps one of the only truly selfless acts.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I saw it firsthand was with one of the little girls I nannied for. Her Daddy was dying of cancer, and she was only 6 years old. In her desperation not to lose him, she told me one day that there was a password to get into heaven (she called it "God's House") and she knew what it was. And she wasn't going to tell, because if she didn't tell, her Daddy wouldn't know how to get into God's House which meant (to her) that he couldn't leave her.
Her mother and I talked to her about it... Telling her that her Daddy was going to pass away soon, no matter what any of us said or did.
And wouldn't you know it, that little girl did the bravest thing I've EVER seen another human being do, and she went over to her dying father and whispered the "password" into his ear. She gave him what she felt he needed so he could leave her.
Every time I think about it, it simultaneously breaks my heart and makes me prouder than I've ever been
So to you, T... For being part of something this selfless and wonderful... For talking to your brother, for understanding your mother's wishes, and making sure your mom gets the "password" too... Thank you. I hope there is someone in my life to do the same for me one day.
My thoughts are will you all.
~Chloe
Oh T and all all I can give is((Hugs)) and my prayers. God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you all.
ReplyDeletebutterfly
T I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your Mom. It seems that for her it's a beginning as well as an end. That's good, isn't it?
ReplyDeletesin
Oh, T, you are in my prayers and thoughts. Hope this comes to point of peace for all of you...
ReplyDelete