Transitions in Slavery

For me, the comment stream on my last post drew the outlines of the way our kind of relationships can evolve over time.  I'm not sure that my thinking is entirely clear on this one, and I'm really only looking at my own life and my own experiences, so take what makes sense and know that none of it is about anyone but me...

My friend, morningstar, talked about the entry point into the lifestyle that sexual submission was for her: 
...way back when..... i labeled myself sexually submissive...i was too shy...i couldn't just "do it" without being asked/told..."good girls" don't do IT.  It didn't take long...to move from submissive in the bedroom to submissive in my life.

And then, ~~A (who I think I probably recognize) offered the view from the other end of the relational curve -- that long-term, "been there and done that," established relationship.  She said ...
We tried to make the D/s stuff work outside the bedroom...and we had a great deal of enjoyment and fun with it but it just stopped working...became exhausting and not fun...we just got tired of it...slowly dropped it by mutual agreement...

I've rolled those two comments around and around in my mind, trying to tease out the kernel of wisdom that feels wrapped up in that for me.  Somehow, it feels like a whole lot of swirling thoughts have been caught up with those two comments and woven into something that makes a sort of sense. 

Each of us, who identify at some level with this lifestyle, start somewhere.  Each of us was new at this once.  Each of us, like morningstar, had a starting point.  For me, that starting point was domestic discipline.  That whole arcane and tortured construct allowed me to finally ask for the control and spanking that I'd craved for a really long time.  It didn't work for very long, and it never really was a very good fit, but it was the beginning.  I moved from that beginning place into a deeper and more deliberate and conscious exploration of BDSM and my own sexual orientation.  I learned to understand the nature of my masochism, and I learned to embrace the part of myself that is submissive.  I traveled along a route I'd never imagined, and I changed, and changed, and changed again. 

Change is a constant.  If we live, we change.  We learn and we age and we confront the challeges of living day to day.  In the context of intimate relating, we do that in tandem with those that we love.  In the context of power-based relating, we do all of that inside a defined dynamic that has its own existence.  As we change, the relational dynamic must change as well if it is to remain a vibrant and vital expression of our lives and loves.

Master and I first came together as friends and occasional play partners.  We progressed into a D/s relationship -- and we grew to be lovers.  Over time, we saw ourselves as life partners and understood that we were in fact Master and slave.  While that describes, in a very simplified fashion, the trajectory that we followed, it shouldn't be taken to mean that those various permutations were merely points along a continuum.  There was a major shift in intent and connection when we moved from relating as Top and bottom to engaging in something that was more formally Dominant and submissive.   Similarly, our shift from D/s partners to Master and slave was a paradigm shift, not just a step up the "kinky ladder." 
At the Teramis website, I found a very articulate discussion of the characteristics of submissives and slaves.  It counters the common assumption that a BDSM slave is just a higher level BDSM submissive.  I found the delineation of slavery to be very helpful, and was grateful for an exposition of the differences that is largely devoid of all that sensational, lurid, porn fiction nonsense: 
 ...slavery in an M/s sense of the word has specific connotations... A slave makes a one-time choice to submit, up front, and thereafter ...slavery hinges upon a commitment to obedience...in consensual slavery a person gives themselves over to the control of another as completely as is humanly possible...there is actually a chattel property context to the relationship...the slave becomes literally (by mutual agreement) the property of the Owner......a slave cannot say "No" without completely abrogating the very basis of the Master/slave agreement...

With that delineation clearly in mind, I think I understand the sort of shift that ~~A points to.  Where there is a negotiated power-agreement in place; where it is shaped like D/s or DD and so open to a good bit of adjusting and re-definition on a regular basis; where the power dynamic does not encompass the essence of the sexual/erotic connection between partners; where it is taken on as one might assume a role in a theatrical production; it is possible that the game will lose its appeal, that partners will feel as if they've "moved beyond" it, or outgrown it, of simply become tired of the whole business.  Understandable and entirely reasonable -- especially as partners confront the inevitable and unavoidable changes and challenges that come to us all with time and age and simple familiarity.

M/s, though presents the possibility that that path will be different over time.  The slave is irrevocably committed to obedience and service.  There is no "no."  There is no bargaining; no negotiation; no "do-overs."  In my case, that means that as life has thrown us a variety of curve balls, our relationship has taken on a different cast -- and I remain His property.  My aged body doesn't respond as it once did, and He is quick to point out that I don't spank the way I used to.  I can find myself wrapped up in an internal monologue that revolves around what I want and what I need and what seems unfair and what I think I ought to be entitled to.  I hear myself talking that talk, and it makes the aware and reasonable part of my mind laugh.  Honestly!  I am pretty sure that someone who has lived as "slave" as long as I have ought to have it figured out by now -- there is no "unfair," and there is no "entitlement" in the context of my relationship.  I am plagued by almost irrestistable urges to "bargain" with Him about the way life is.  It won't take me anywhere and I know it, but those pesky, devilish urges remain.  Sometimes, when I am particularly frustrated, I wish that I could pack it in and run away.  Except that I can't.  I can't because He'd never allow it, but I can't because I just can't. 

So, I am working my way along the emotional high wire strung up between the various scary changes that I cannot avoid, and cannot control.  I once believed that if I were simply determined enough, just resigned enough, able to be obedient enough, I could reconstruct the SM relationship that He and I had in those beginning years.  I once believed that there was a direct correlation between His love for me and His willingness to do whatever it takes to make me happy.  I once believed that if I was just "good enough," I'd never have to come face to face with His absolute need to spank a whole host of other people.  I don't believe any of that anymore. 

I understand, I think, that I need to embrace the changes that have happened, and those that will happen.  I think I understand that my committment to obedience has not been altered by any of the rest of it.  I think that I understand that whatever our relationship comes to encompass in terms of SM play and sexual pleasure and pure, simple, straightforward companionship, nothing will change the fact of His ownership.

I've been feeling sad.  A lot.  I haven't, however, been feeling desperate or despairing.  I am coming to terms.  It feels a little like I've worked my way through some of the early stages of grieving -- shock, anger, denial.  All of that has been a nasty emotional stew for most of the last few years.  I have raged and fought and wished with all my heart that I might go back to the way that things were before.  No matter how I reasoned with myself, the emotions would not be quieted.  Now, mostly, I feel resigned.  I'm not exactly at peace, but I feel calmer most of the time.  I don't have any fight left.  What will come will come no matter what I think I want or how I "feel" about any of it.  I slave.  I will slave.  I'll take care of what I need to take care of, and I'll school my heart and mind to give up that insistence on being able to have what I think I might want.  I imagine that life for this slave will consist of paring everything down to the essentials, to those things that serve Him.  I am, perhaps on the brink of really learning what it is that I've taken on in this life.  In spite of everything -- all the diminishments -- I'll remain obedient.  I will be His.

I hope that resignation will, in time, give way to acceptance, and maybe even some sort of quiet joy.

swan