What is Sexual Submission?

I've spent a bit of time in the last couple of days mulling over the rather amazing comment stream that poured forth here in response to some judgemental comments made by an anonymous commenter.  I don't want to get back into discussion with that person.  There seems very little point.  I do, however want to thank all those who stepped into the fray with words of affirmation and encouragement, and I want to speak to a part of that discussion that went largely unnoticed in all the dust and fuss -- the nature of submission/slavery itself.

That was the one bit of all the nonsense that "anonymous" spewed all over the place that really caught my attention:  "I am sexually submissive."  My immediate reaction when I read that; the reaction that has lodged in my brain and will not go away:  "Really?  What the heck does that mean?"

I don't think I have ever, once, thought or said that I am "sexually submissive."  Something about the phrase causes me to have a mental sort of jerky whiplash sensation.  I cannot find a place where that expression makes intellectual or emotional sense to me.  It bothers me on levels way deeper than the simple linguistic parsing.

Mistress Steel actually addresses the topic:  "A sexual submissive is a person who manifests submissive traits only in direct connection with sexual arousal and release. In all other aspects of their life this person will probably comport themselves in a manner that is neutral or indistinguishable from a nonscene related person, vanilla.
There is one line of thought that a sexual submissive may be more closely related to a scene fetisher than to a submissive who is submissive throughout the scope of their life."

There it is.  The definitive description of the picture I get in my head when someone says that they are "sexually submissive."  When I hear that self-labelling, I think of someone who does "this" for kicks.  It is a way to spice up an otherwise ordinary, and perhaps mundane, sex life.  It isn't grounded in honestly lived power-based roles.  It isn't part of an over-arching philosophical or spiritual view of ones' life.  It isn't the manifestation of an essential sexual / erotic orientation.  It is just a bit of play-acting; the sort of cowboys and Indians dress-up game that generations of children have engaged in from time immemorial. 

I don't get "sexual submission," because I don't DO "sexual submission."  Oh...  I surely submit and serve within the context of our sexual relatedness.  But it isn't something that is noticeably different than my submission when I am fixing His lunch, pouring His coffee, ironing His shirts, or finding His latest lost whatever...  It isn't different in quality or character than my submission to His will in the context of our SM play.  It is all part of the same thing.  For me, it all stems from the committment to obedience to His will.  I sometimes enjoy the things we do together, but there are times when I don't.  I sometimes take sexual pleasure out of our intimate relating, but not always -- and it doesn't matter one way or another.  It is still woven into the very fabric of our lives together. 

I see the sort of relatedness that can be defined as "sexually submissive" as inherently self-focused and self-serving.  That seems entirely reasonable and entirely appropriate for those for whom it works.  People enter into all sorts of relational dances, and I'll admit that I am a true clutz when it comes to knowing the steps for most of those gambits.  I don't mean to judge here.  There are as many ways of relating as there are people involved in the act of relating.  What I do -- what He and I do is perfect for us, and so very far from being good or right or workable for most of the rest of the world. 

Contrary to what has been implied here in the last couple of weeks, I do work to maintain myself -- I work to maintain what belongs to Him.  I fit that in within the context of my days; within the limits of what else is demanded and required so that He has what He wants and needs to ease His way.  To do that, I usually make use of stolen bits of time, and self-care routines sandwiched in between dozens of everyday and ordinary tasks that haven't got the patina of glamour and glitz that might appeal to the "sexual submissive."  Sometimes, when life has been particularly intense, when the demands have been steady and heavy, when there's been very little in the way of time to "steal," I look in the mirror and see the marks that show the years and the general wear and tear of life lived with few frills.  As has been noted repeatedly by my anonymous judge, taking care of oneself can be expensive and time consuming.  I am given all I need for my own well-being, but I steward our families resources with care.  That too, is about taking care of what is His. 

It is all about focus.  Him?  Or me?  Him?  Or me?  Him?  Or me?  Over and over and over, through the course of my days, that is the measure of the choices I make.  It is what keeps me from being a "sexual submissive."

swan