A Submissive is??????

My friend, morningstar, has recently ended a nine-year-long relationship that was founded in an expression of Dominance and submission.  That ending is painful, and there is much to be resolved from an emotional perspective.  For those of us who knew and cared about morningstar and W as a D/s couple, it is hard to know how to react, and what to do to support friends in such a difficult passarge.  It seems to me that it might be entirely normal, after such a life-changing upheaval, to ask questions about what happened; what was good, and what was not; what might have been done differently...  And so, today, my friend is asking "what is a submissive?" and questioning her own nature in regard to that question.

I considered putting a comment on her blog in response to her question.  She's gotten some really good reactions from her readers, but as I thought about what to say, I found that I had a whole jumble/tumble of thoughts that would not behave themselves well enough to make a reasonable comment.  So, here I am -- about to ramble on in my own space...

I think, that when one contemplates the question of what it might mean to be "submissive" in the sense that we mean it within the lifestyle, that it is important to distinguish between a submissive and a masochist.  Sometimes we use those two descriptors as if they are synonymous, and I don't believe that they are.

Masochism, like its sexual/erotic counterpart, sadism, is an orientation.  Like being straight or gay, being a sadist or a masochist is part of how we are wired as sexual beings.  For those of us who identify as "masochistic," there is no "choosing" to be this way.  It is what we are sexually.  Even if we enjoy other types of sexual expression, there will forever be a drive toward masochism that is intrinsic in our very natures.  The same is true for those who manifest their sexuality through sadism. 

On the other hand, the tendency to be most comfortable in the role of the submissive partner is about a relationship dynamic.  Those of us who relate to our partners as submissive, are quite often very strong and capable, and may interact in the outside world in a fashion that is anything but submissive.  That is true, certainly, for me as I manage and absolutely control my classroom environment, and I know there are plenty of other submissive women who live their working lives in full and easy control of situations that require them to be strong and independent and decisive -- and all of those other things that seem so much in opposition to what we would consider submissive.

Submission happens in relationship to another.  Those of us who are inclined toward relational submission are most comfortable and most fulfilled when we are in close intimate relationship to someone who has the strength to control us, to meet our own power with theirs, to care for and protect and shelter us.  We can live our lives without that dynamic, and be happy and successful, and good, but we achieve the heights of relational joy and satisfaction when we are lucky enough to find a partner that is strong enough to truly BE our Dominant match. 

In that respect, we are not so very different from our more vanilla counterparts.  Each one of us has an opposite number that pairs up neatly with what it is that we need to be fully who we are.  That pairing, when it happens, gives us that almost indescribable sense of being "in the right place, with the right person."  Of course, when the pairing is not a good fit, there are places that chafe and irritate, and we never manage to settle into the comfortable and safe place that fulfills us and our partners. 

I once worked with a body worker that often spoke to the secrets that we keep and the bargains that we make as we form relationships.  As I was in a very uncomfortable relational match at that time, she was prone to poke at me on a regular basis about what I was "not telling."  What, she would wonder on a regular basis, were the secrets of the life I was so determinedly leading.  What truths had I not told her?  More importantly, what were the secrets that I would not even tell myself?  I did, in time, come to know what was and was not true about that very long marriage.  I did, finally, understand and acknowledge the places where it was not at fit -- not a fit for me, and not a fit for him.  Knowing that truth made it possible to release him and free myself to seek something better. 

Escaping from that bad marriage was a very good thing, but, especially in the beginning days, I experienced a great deal of uncertainty.  I'd been "wife" for such a very, very long time.  If I wasn't "wife" anymore, then what was I?  Where did I fit, and where did I belong?  I hated the label "divorcee."  I didn't know what that really meant in terms of my own personhood, and it simply was a name I couldn't feel belonged to me.  I wasted a good bit of valuable time, looking back and wondering what might have been, what could have been, what did I do wrong, what did he do wrong -- what the heck had happened to all the dreams I once had about "us?" 

That questioning; that looking back; that evaluation of what has been seems necessary and appropriate to the work of ending and uncoupling from a long relationship.  We have to pass through all of those "what if's" if we are to come to a clear understanding of where we've traveled to this point, and chart a reliable way forward. 

There were those who commented on this question at morningstar's blog, who spoke to the reality that we quite often get caught up in trying to "keep up with one another" out here in the blogosphere... 

• If that one does that, then shouldn't I be doing it too?
• If she seems happy with that circumstance, shouldn't I feel the same way?
• If that person is having that experience, isn't it important for me to have the same experience?  
• Why doesn't my partner treat me the same way her's does?
• On, and on, and on...

That thinking pattern is insidious and destructive.  It deflects us from the legitimate questions that we ought to be asking, and it hampers our ability to see clearly the outlines of our own individual relationships.  In comparing ourselves and our partners to others, we dishonor and disable our own vital and unique relationships.  We do share commonalities and common experiences, and sharing those can help us to understand more deeply, embrace more fully, and live more passionately.  But, when that sharing turns into comparing and competing, then it is harmful and inappropriate. 

Morningstar is wondering about her various responses and reactions and choices made over all the years of her relationship.  She is wonering if she "did it right;" or "did it well enough?"  It is an exercise that is part of the process of disentangling the snarls of almost a decade of relationship, and I am confident that she'll sort it all out, but my heart aches for the struggle and the pain of asking those bitter and probing questions. 

However she resolves the questions with which she's wrestling right now, I know that I will learn from her -- lessons about being strong and brave and persistent and truthful.

swan