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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.

1/31/2011

Mystical Rebirth

I have been home from my odyssey in jail since last Wednesday morning. My time there truly was an odyssey of discovery and reconnection with others who were poised to teach me about recovery. sue has frequently quoted that when you are ready to learn teachers will magically appear. My time in jail was like that......amazingly. I want to write about it but have not managed to yet. I journaled on whatever scraps of paper I could find while "inside." I hope eventually to post all of that.

I will, for now, skip to the outcome, or the outcomes so far. I am not angry!
That is the biggest change. I am certainly not happy, but neither am I depressed or traumatized. These are huge changes. I have openly expressed in court and to my two, that I am an alcoholic. I know now I may not ever drink for the rest of my life. As sad as that is in some ways, I am generally pretty relieved and "OK" feeling about it. Tomorrow I will be evaluated to enter into an intensive outpatient alcoholism rehabilitation program. I attended my first ever AA meeting in jail. I look forward to many more meetings out here in the community.

I know now this is me. I did this. I am ill. This was not done to me by sue, by t, by the police, by my ex, by my daughter, by my former board, by jail, by the numerous losses and upheavals in my life over the last couple of years. I am sure the physiological changes resulting from my weight loss surgery had a great deal of impact. The thing is that while explaining the etiology of all this is academically interesting, all in all, it really doesn't matter. All that matters is that I can't drink and never will again.

I need to recover. I need to mend with my two loves. I need to build a new life. I will do all of that.

Thank you to all of you who have supported all three of us as we have grown, struggled, raged, fought, and loved our way through this difficult passage.

We three are still "we three" and despite our sadness at the recent loss of t's mom and her great grief, we are in tact. I don't deserve the loyalty, tenacity, compassion, and forgiveness my two loves have rained down on me. I have not made that easy.

t and swan I love you both.

Mores & mores,

Mine Always and All Ways,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

28 comments:

  1. Oh Tom, I am so, so happy to read these words, and I admire you greatly for coming to this point. I haven't traveled your road myself, so I speak only from what friends have told me. But I do know that it takes great strength to admit weakness - and then to change.

    Good luck on this journey - I will be one of many people here who will be standing by you (and by sue and t) as you go forward. I'm sure we will all have things to learn.

    o.g.

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  2. SweetSassyT8:38 AM

    Tom,
    So wonderful to hear your 'voice' again! The birds are singing in the South. I'll have them sing you a melody today. Routing for you and lifting your two ladies that they find continue unconditionally to love you. Persevere!
    ~t

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  3. Awesome - nice to hear that voice again!

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  4. HAPPY REBIRTH DAY!

    Tom...it is so good to read these words from you. I have been peeking in the last week, and was wondering if no news was good news or bad news. Your words are music to my ears.

    You have so much to give and teach...and I wonder if that is your new journey once you get through this...to pull others onto your life raft. (But hey...no pressure :) )

    Regardless, it is exciting to see things going forward. Ask for what you need and tell us the best way to support you. We are here...pulling for you.

    Love,

    Tangerine

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  5. weirdgirl8:45 AM

    it is wonderful to *read* you again Tom.

    love and best wishes to you all :)
    weirdgirl

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  6. Anonymous9:20 AM

    I am very happy to feel a different tone to your blog with this posting. I can see there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you all, and that you see it as well. My father is an alcoholic who has not had a drink in over 30 years. He still goes to AA meetings because he's made so many wonderful friends there. Hang tough, hang tight.

    little girl grown

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  7. Impish110:21 AM

    This is wonderful news, friend. I would diagree with you vehemently on one point: you deserve all this and more. Now go out there and get it. Much caring and faith goes with you.

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  8. AMEN...So happy to read this post this morning.
    We are all still here cheering all of you on!
    abby

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  9. I am so very glad to see you back - strong - and ready to work hard!!

    It gives me hope (silly as it sounds) that I too will be strong again soon and ready to take on the world again

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  10. I happily add my voice to the others welcoming Tom back and expressing joy at the return of his voice to his love's songs. It has been a difficult journey with a steep and rocky path. But if you all help each other over the rough parts, I am sure together you can climb to see the bright and clear horizon shining for all of you. And, I would add the suggestion that perhaps T's dear mother helped place those angels right where they neeed to be, and Tom's grief ridden heart was able to open and hear the wisdom needed. Stranger things have happened. :)

    Safe paths and continued well wishes to all,
    Mystress

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  11. im sooo extremely happy for you- for all of you~
    hugs~

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  12. They say love is unconditional and in this case it sure is! Cheers and congratulations to all of you! What a wonderful thing to see in this day and age,to make it through the struggles, and the upsets of life. It gives me hope that life does go on and we can do it, if we just keep trying!
    Way to go!
    Blessings and great big hugs to all of you!

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  13. I'm so glad for you, for all of you.

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  14. Yes!! :) Love and light to the three of you!

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  15. naxie2:02 PM

    tears in my eyes as i read your post, Tom....like others, i have been checking this site for updates and was hoping that the silence meant that in some way, equilibrium was being restored or rediscovered for all of you.

    what a story, what remarkable people the three of you are. indeed, you make me feel braver with my own challenges and as always, i am so grateful that you let reader like me, into your lives in the way that you do - you all continue to have an impact in ways that echo in my life.

    i wish you the very, very best.

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  16. Welcome Back Tom,
    Good to see you again :)

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  17. Words fail in my happiness for you all. May I just put this:

    :)

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  18. What a wonderful post.. long time in coming but somehow I always felt confident that you would find your way to this point.
    All the best going forward!

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  19. I am so happy that the road has led to this. All the best to all three of you as you regain strength together and trust in each other.

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  20. Very heartened and happy for you. Thank you for sharing this with us.

    I know the end of the road isn't here yet, but the journey seems so much more hopeful and cheery now. At least from this vantage point.

    My continued support, encouragement, and courage for the living of these days. For all of you always.

    Tapestry

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  21. Welcome home, Tom. In every sense of the words - welcome home.

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  22. Welcome back Tom...Im happy to read that you have hit your bottom,so to speak, because now things will only get better from here on out. Through my experiences with AA I learned the program doesnt teach you to stop drinking...it teaches you to live one day at a time responsibly and peacefully with a sound mind and spirit.
    I look forward to reading about your journey in recovery...as well as the journey of swan & t.

    -Bella

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  23. I'm glad this seems to be bringing you all closer. I truly understand addiction issues- be thankful for the support and stay honest and positive! :)

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  24. wandering traveler2:05 PM

    huzzah! and welcome to the other side of the worst of it. welcome to the beginning of the best, long walk you'll ever take. stay focused on your goals. hang on to the positive. choose joy every chance you get.

    i am ending each of you the very best in hope and encouragement during these dynamic and emotional times.

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  25. I remember how I felt when I found help, realized that I was an alcoholic as well....
    It was such a huge relief to realize that I had a disease and there was treatment to help me deal with it. I did a modified intensive outpatient because the real deal wasn't available to me then. And I did at least 2 meetings a day for the first 90 days.
    Twenty-eight years later, I can say that my worst day sober is better than the best days while I was drinking...

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers as you have been for a long time. And now, again, you can "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams," but I suspect that the life you live will be better (eventually) than you have imagined.
    With love,
    Lyn

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  26. Bravo Tom! Knew you'd find your way.

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  27. So glad to see you back. Hugs.

    butterfly

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  28. Anonymous12:23 PM

    Just lovely!

    Annelin

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