I have been home from my odyssey in jail since last Wednesday morning. My time there truly was an odyssey of discovery and reconnection with others who were poised to teach me about recovery. sue has frequently quoted that when you are ready to learn teachers will magically appear. My time in jail was like that......amazingly. I want to write about it but have not managed to yet. I journaled on whatever scraps of paper I could find while "inside." I hope eventually to post all of that.
I will, for now, skip to the outcome, or the outcomes so far. I am not angry!
That is the biggest change. I am certainly not happy, but neither am I depressed or traumatized. These are huge changes. I have openly expressed in court and to my two, that I am an alcoholic. I know now I may not ever drink for the rest of my life. As sad as that is in some ways, I am generally pretty relieved and "OK" feeling about it. Tomorrow I will be evaluated to enter into an intensive outpatient alcoholism rehabilitation program. I attended my first ever AA meeting in jail. I look forward to many more meetings out here in the community.
I know now this is me. I did this. I am ill. This was not done to me by sue, by t, by the police, by my ex, by my daughter, by my former board, by jail, by the numerous losses and upheavals in my life over the last couple of years. I am sure the physiological changes resulting from my weight loss surgery had a great deal of impact. The thing is that while explaining the etiology of all this is academically interesting, all in all, it really doesn't matter. All that matters is that I can't drink and never will again.
I need to recover. I need to mend with my two loves. I need to build a new life. I will do all of that.
Thank you to all of you who have supported all three of us as we have grown, struggled, raged, fought, and loved our way through this difficult passage.
We three are still "we three" and despite our sadness at the recent loss of t's mom and her great grief, we are in tact. I don't deserve the loyalty, tenacity, compassion, and forgiveness my two loves have rained down on me. I have not made that easy.
t and swan I love you both.
Mores & mores,
Mine Always and All Ways,
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.