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We are three adults living in a polyamorous triad family. The content here is intended for an adult audience. If you are not an adult, please leave now.



One of the subtleties of BDSM slavery is learning to wait.  For eight and one half years, I've waited to know what He would choose to watch on the television, waited to know when He would be ready to go to bed each evening, waited to know when He would want to play or make love, waited to know when He would want a meal or a snack.  I've followed His lead in big and small things until waiting for Him and waiting on Him became second nature. 

Part of what has been difficult, as we've moved through these early weeks of living with and trying to address the issues created by His PTSD, is that exact habit of waiting.  Symptomatic of the disorder is a constellation of symptoms that interfere with His ability and inclination to direct our lives, set the direction, or exert control in the same way.

  • When it comes time to prepare a meal -- He doesn't care.
  • If asked if He wants a hug or a kiss, most often He'll respond, "Yeah, I guess." 
  • Should T or I suggest doing anything -- a movie, or a snuggle perhaps -- He'll say, "whatever you guys want."

Through everyday, that small, defeated, disengaged sound is the voice of the Man who has been the dynamic center of our world.  It is a scary thing.  The king has simply walked off His throne and left us standing there looking at one another, wondering what to do next. 

Who steps in to fill the void?  Should we do that?  Is there an option? 

And when we do move to take charge, to make decisions, to manage in the gap -- how do we cope, emotionally with His sense of being manipulated, and emasculated by our actions?  It is an impossible dilemma. 

And so ... we swing back and forth from expectant waiting to necessary action and decision making.  Just another place where life is out of kilter -- for now.



  1. I have no answers but my heart goes out to the three of you in this sad situation.

    Eventually some answers will show themselves.
    Until then..hang on!

  2. I felt emasculated abused and betrayed by the call to 911 October 28 and the resulting police abuse. My craziness that weekend was an insane attempt at somehow recovering some sense of control in my life, and working out my horror, sense of betrayal, and anger at what had been done to me.

    Then the subsequent call to 911 October 31 and the resulting arrest, and man-handling by the police extracting me from our living room, and jailing, and the subsequent abuse there and by the court, the probationary electronic monitoring for two months despite my "presumption of innocence" (what a joke that is), and the subsequuent cluster fuck Thursday in court with the collaboration of my own attorney, have left me without any sense of control anywhere in my life......and yes I feel completely emasculated and betrayed by everyone I thought I could trust.

    I have no idea if I'll ever feel differently.


  3. Dear friends,

    I am sorry to read of the difficult times your family is having. A poly
    D/s relationship is often a careful balance under the best of circumstances,
    throw in a mix of incidents and situations that stand in on ear, and it can
    shake the foundations of everything. With my recent injury and incapacitation
    for a while, I've had to rely on Paladin for things I normally would not.
    I've had to let go, and go with the flow and expect I'll float back to the top soon.
    In the meantime, I do trust his love for me, and my best interest are at
    the heart of all he does for me. Letting go is very hard. But all the pain
    and frustrations will ebb in time, and I will come back to myself
    And our relationship. When I am not sure of myself, I am sure of us,
    and all that we hold dear as a poly D/s family. Paladin says to have paitence
    and things will heal in time and I'll cling to that, and the strength of his
    devotion to me, and us.

    We send all good wishes, warm hugs and positive thoughts
    from our family to yours,

  4. Dear family, dear swan,

    i have tried many times to comment but somehow my choice of words seemed inappropriate or what i wanted to say had already been said by others.

    Both Master and His slave wish all of you find the inner strength to overcome this difficult situation, as individuals and as a unit (a strange word perhaps but to me this is what used to describe the three of you best).

    Take your time. Your readers will be here. You know that, right?

    With love and respect,

  5. wandering traveler12:17 PM

    my heart goes out to each of you, truly, and i send my very best wishes for peace and clarity, inside and out.
    one thing i've hung on to in difficult times is the truth that no state lasts forever. every time i have been anxious, depressed, terrified, in pain, feeling helpless--and there have been many--it has passed. i'm still here, and so are you. the only thing that ever changes is how i interact with the world.
    as tempting as it is to roll up in a victim ball, PTSD or not, keep reaching and allowing help, Tom. trust that in this state, you are not able to see clearly what is real, like having visions with a fever. you are partially blinded by your out of balance emotions. balance will return, but you have to seek it, and allow it.


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