What I Realized

Spanking can work to focus my mind.  When it is good, it quiets the chatter; brings me into the now; anchors me in my body; and completely alters my awareness.  Yesterday, I wrote that I'd come to a "realization;" understanding something I hadn't figured out before this.  I do my best thinking during spankings -- except it isn't really "thinking" exactly.  It is a mental and emotional clarity that seems other than what I experience in other circumstances.

So.  There I was.  Yesterday.  Bottom up over the spanking pillow.  With my five week long hunger burning.  He was back there, doing His thing -- spanking away with some paddles and a quirt and whatever else...

That's when the realization hit me:  I was turned on.  I could feel the impacts on my butt setting off twinges and tinglings and delicious warm moist squishiness in my sex.  In that moment, in that place, I was fascinated and enchanted -- and completely thrilled and happy to go with it.  I also noted that my insides were relaxed, easy, rocking along to the rhythms of His making.  That's it.  Really.  I wasn't all knotted up.  I wasn't tensed up, trying to protect the empty, gaping places deep in my gut -- those hysterectomy wounds that have lived on in my mind, long past the time when they were physically healed.  I've finally, after five long years, found the pathways back to my own sexuality -- to the sensations that arise in my own woman's body.

Yesterday was sexy.  I was sexy.  We were sexy.  The spanking was sexy.  It was just so good; so simple; so lively and sweet.  I don't know why it took me so long to figure this out.  I don't know why I had to drag myself through so many years of dead, numb, misery -- but I am glad and amazed to have finally figured it out.  I know there were people who tried to tell me.  I know He never, ever saw me the way I saw myself.  I know all of that, and did not know, until yesterday, the fact and reality for myself.

swan