Bargains

There has been all sorts of talk around the circle, lately, about being "gracious" and "graceful" in the doing of this thing we are all trying to do -- this following of the path of submission and slavery. Most who read here, and most that I read are either engaged in, or at least interested in, the path of relational power exchange, and for most, there is at least some component of personal service to that dynamic. The proportional mix may vary from person to person, but read the "ingredient list," and you will find service in there somewhere.



For almost all of us though, that "service" component isn't the thing that really fires our rockets. We will mostly testify that it makes us happy if He is happy, contented, satisfied, comfortable, and all of that... and I don't doubt the veracity of that because I feel the same way. However, I know from personal experience that living on a steady diet of cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping, filing, on and on and on -- leaves me feeling strung out and pallid after awhile. Unsatisfied. Starved. Stretched thin.



I understand that I serve just as well when I present a perfectly ironed shirt as I do when I bend over for a beating, but without some balance between the two, I'll begin to wither. And, frankly, no amount of self-talk about being "gracious" and "graceful" is going to change the fact. Because, while I claim the title of "slave," the truth is that, in coming to this relationship, I made a bargain (just as I did in my marriage -- just as everyone does entering into intimate relationship). Whether we know it or not, and whether we openly acknowledge it or not, the bargains we make about our relationships, are held intensely in our hearts and psyches. There is no need for detailed negotiation or ink to make that be the reality.



When I married, at the tender age of 19, I was negotiating for things like safety and security -- refuge from the alcoholic hell that was the home I grew up in. I didn't know who or what I was, and so I didn't have the information I needed to negotiate well for what I really needed. I really didn't know what I brought to the bargain, and I didn't make a good deal for myself. I didn't get what I thought I was getting, and I didn't get what I really needed either. It took me almost 28 years to understand that I needed to break the deal and start some new negotiations.

I subscribe to Jack Rinella's weekly column. It comes to my e-mail, and it always gives me something to think about. The last one was entitled, "Don't Let It Stop," and it dealt with the subject of ongoing negotiations between long-term partners. Rinella writes:

Sometimes, there is this myth that players who are experienced with each other don't need to negotiate ... Negotiation, no matter how thorough it is, is based on the here and now. In spite of how much we may resist the facts, it remains that the"there and later" will be different. Over time each and everyone of us will change, as will our partners and the myriad circumstances in which we will find ourselves. Inevitable as it is we can still be surprised by change. As resistant as we maybe to it, it never ceases. We will age by the very fact that time continues. Aging may bring wisdom or folly, expertise or failure. Over time our bodies, minds, and emotions will evolve. There is no stopping the graying of hair, the weakening of muscles, or the growing diminishment of our senses...

However we might fantasize all of this, or might have thought of it at some beginning point, that constant fact of change and evolution is the simple reality. None of us, Master or slave, is today, as we were a day or a month or a year ago. Physical, emotional, intellectual needs and abilities and potentials shift, and if we are wise, we must move with them. As partners, we need to renegotiate the bargains we make.

A very real and powerful part of walking this path is our ability and willingness to go, naked, into the depths of our own souls, to seek out the truth of who we are and offer it to one another. That is the best of our bargaining. We simply must be willing to know and understand what it is that we bring to the negotiations, and then make the very best bargain that we are able. There is nothing at all contrary in doing that. That is the epitome and essence of power exchange. That is the best of what we do with and for one anoher.

swan