Vivian, it is good to see a new post from you and to know you are progressing in your relationship and happiness. I was afraid this long silence might have indicated a crisis or difficulties. I’m glad to see that is not the case.
The whole issue of spankings being as you imagine them to be is a huge factor in spanking satisfaction for both Tops and Bottoms. Spankings are for most of us the culmination of fantasies: of imaginings. There is nothing as satisfying as a spanking that meets with your expectations as a bottom. As a sadistic Top I enjoy it when bottoms find that the spanking’s intensity that they actually are receiving exceeds their expectations (over achiever that I am:) I’ve had the pleasure on a few occasions of giving women who have longed for spanking for a long time their first real adult consensual spanking and love it when they look at me in growing terror after the first few spanks, with a “screwed up” incredulous face saying “No! Wait! This Hurts!” It seems that all too often the painful sensations they imagined in their fantasies didn’t actually “HURT”!
One of my great revelations when I learned to switch was that while I am not frequently that terrifically into being spanked (and lately it seems my “bottom space” has abandoned me altogether), I found that experiencing the reality of being spanked heightened the reality of my imagining of my spanking partner’s reaction to her spanking. I realized that I most got off on the reactions of my bottom partner and the experiences I imagined she is having when I am spanking her. Having had the experience firsthand I was much more able to realistically share her experience. Additionally I was able to more protectively increase the intensity of the spankings I administered as well. All in all bottoming was a synergistic experience that led me among many things, to appreciate more fully the role of imaginings in spanking satisfaction.
Now “The Perfect Paddle Dilemma.” I am intrigued by your post. We have literally hundreds of spanking implements but my all time greatest love has always been for paddles. I can relate to what your excitement must have been when you serendipitously found your new paddle, and your even greater rush as you experienced effects from it that so closely mirrored your fantasies. It is not uncommon however that the sensations created which match well our imaginings are less severe than those which we aspire to. It is sort of a spanking satisfaction paradox most bottoms deal with.
We have recently reacquainted ourselves with the “joys” of our lexan paddles. I have 5 of them in various configurations and variations. You might find that lexan paddling might be useful in creating your desired reaction.
Lexan stings more than wood although it burns somewhat less. Lexan is more dense than wood, but slightly more flexible (it is a space age plastic that is actually used as bullet proof glass….so if you ever want to try to swat at bullets as they fly by with a paddle it may have a dual use). In that it has g
reater mass lexan paddles are thinner. My favorite vendor of lexan paddles is Hanson Paddles. Their lexan paddles come in ¼ inch and 3/8inch thicknesses as opposed to the more standard 3/8 inch and 1/2inch thicknesses for their wooden sister paddles. While I have all mine in both thicknesses I really have found I prefer the ¼ inch thickness lexan for bare bottom spanking.Additionally, I wonder if you are being paddled by paddles with holes. Hanson is good at offering all their paddles with or without holes drilled in them. The paddles with holes that they sell have holes with a beveled edge on one side, and holes with a sharp edge on the other. If your partner were to employ those paddles, especially using the sharp edged hole side of the paddle to spank you, it is likely you will experience greater welting, marking, blistering, etc. with the longer lasting effects that you seek.
I also wonder about paddling duration and frequency for you. I generally like to administer a hundred smacks for a good blistering, often in sets of 25 or 50 swats with minor respites in between sets. These fairly rapid fire paddlings usually will result in writhing, complaining, begging and tears from most bottoms. There are certainly times when I have done less or more depending on a variety of variables, but that is the most common scenario.
Even more effective is repetitive and predictable paddling. I have for example instituted a decree that a paddling would be administered at bedtime everyday for a week. Then swan or another bottom is required to fetch the paddle each night at bedtime, to request her nightly paddling, to be paddled and then to politely thank me for paddling her and to remind me of her next paddling tomorrow night. The emotional and physically cumulative effects of the paddling result in solid memories of the discipline and resulting intimate connections that last in terms of physical marks and emotional imprinting.
We also have had periods, some of those protracted where swan has been required to approach me each day for a period of time to request a paddling of one hundred swats with a paddle of her selection. Thus not only does she know she will be spanked severely daily, but she must decide when, select the implement of her chastisement, present it to me, beg to be spanked, get spanked, and then very politely thank me for spanking her. I know she found this regimen highly “effective.”
Perhaps something like these techniques might be useful for the two of you.
My most favored brand of corporal discipline is not paddling at all but is switching. A properly administered switching will result in the person who is disciplined feeling quite thoroughly chastised, and too, will be remembered upon sitting, moving, etc. for a good period of time to come. Here is a link to a description of switching technique I employ (the description of the actual switching technique is about halfway through the piece if you are not interested in reading my history).
Vivian, I hope perhaps some of this input is useful to you and your partner as you grow further in your disciplinary relationship.
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.
Thanks for the posting on my Perfect Paddle dilemma, Tom!
ReplyDeleteI'm pleased to let you know that your comment wasn't eaten and is happily living on the relevant post over at The Disciplined Feminist
. I also published a response there for you, but your post here, of course, is much more complete.
I'm increasingly convinced that the disparity between fantasy and reality is one of the most dangerous pitfalls of developing a DD relationship.
I have read posts from so many disappointed and frustrated women who don't understand why their DD relationships aren't turning out the way they saw them in their head, without realizing that
1. they're not going to and that's actually okay, and
2. that they have to actually discuss and work out the details with a partner, not once, but over and over again -- unlike in our fantasies where the disciplinarian automatically knows what to do and how to do it.
Most memorable and sad to me was a post many months ago on another forum from a woman who's method for starting a DD relationship was to write her husband a letter telling him she wanted him to spank her, but telling him he wasn't allowed to speak with her about it beforehand or ask any questions, but was just supposed to "do it." In a distraught follow-up post, she reported that she got a very negative response to her approach and didn't understand why, and was considering giving DD entirely or ending her relationship because he was being so distant and unresponsive!
Anyway, I've likely gone on too long on someone else's blog, but the fantasy/reality disparity is such an important issue, it's hard not to.
-Viv
The Disciplined Feminist
Dear Clan,
ReplyDeleteI have a certain amount of trepidation over what I feel I need to say.
To begin with, I am not a masochist. My rather limited experience in genuine DD has been enough to prove to me that I hate the pain involved in being disciplined and will do almost anything to avoid it.
I may have sadistic tendencies. The idea of having control over a woman/women has always had significant appeal. At the risk of offending Raheretic, I have always placed these urges on the same level as rape fantasies, and struggled to rid myself of them. One method has been to turn the urge around and encourage thoughts of being dominated by a woman as desirable and ‘sexy’.
When I first discovered ‘spanking’ on the Internet, I thought I would find many people who had the same needs and longings. I was wrong! That’s not to say that there isn’t a strong market for women who are willing to beat a paying customer’s ass for him but I don’t see how this would answers my need for strong feminine guidance and control. My wife and I enjoy spanking as a part of our sexual activities but I don’t feel she is the right person to confront and regulate my carnal desires towards other women. (She doesn’t want, or need, to get involved in that particular snake pit.) A pro domo would be quite capable of showing me what discipline is all about but I won’t have any respect for what she thinks is right and proper.
What I need is someone whose judgement I relate to and who cares enough about me and my marriage to set rules and ‘hold my feet to the fire’ if I don’t live up to her expectations.
The idea of corporal punishment as a deterrent to what a mentor/disciplinarian considers ‘wrong’ behaviour or to instil what she deems to be proper masculine sexuality, seems to have very little resonance with people who are experienced in the DD lifestyle.
I suppose this is because there must be acceptance of another’s authority (a power exchange) that is of the submissiv’s free will. This does not work, if the purpose of the discipline is to cause sufficient pain that the subject will want to avoid a future chastisement by changing the punishable behaviour. If the pain turns on the recipient he will continue his wrongdoing to achieve further negative stroking. If he truly does not like the pain on some level, he will simply walk away from the relationship.
There must be a strong element of compulsion for CP to be effective or even meaningful. Compulsion, however, attacks and destroys the very basis of power exchange.
I don’t know if I am making any sense at all but I would appreciate your thoughts.
Jack
Jack, I know you have approached this with me before. I don't want to leave you feeling ignored, but I simply cannot figure out how to respond to you on this. The convoluted nature of what you feel you need and want with regard to this is too far outside of my experience. I'm sure there are probably people within the lifestyle who have relationships configured after the model that you describe, but I can't personally really comprehend how it would work. I doubt that you are looking for DD specifically, and would suggest that you might be more successful if you sought out your local BDSM community to help you connect with someone who could help you realize your goals in this regard. There are often "munches" in most towns where people meet in "vanilla" locales like restaurants to get to know others in the lifestyle. I'm imagining a simple Internet search might turn up local people with whom you could connect. I'm sorry. I wish I could offer more help. Good luck in your search.
ReplyDeleteswan