Why Don't We Ask for What We Need?

I wasn't entirely sure where my thoughts were heading in my last post. Wandering some, I guess, trying to get words around some pretty nebulous thinking... So, kaya's question in this comment pushed me to try and clarify a little.

Really. Why is it that most of us are so reluctant to admit that we do have needs; that those needs are potentially "legitimate;" and that they ought to at least be able to be expressed even if they don't rise to the level of always needing to be fulfilled exactly as we voice them?


I believe that the biggest reason for the phenomenon is isolation. For the vast majority of us, the only contact that we have with others who are "like us" is here. On-line; via blogs and lists and e-mail and chat and the like. For a fortunate few, there are lively and robust local communities of like-minded kinksters that can be gathered around for real-time support and comeraderie and friendship and simple socializing. For most of us, though, there is simply no one around us to turn to for common, garden variety friendship and modeling and mentoring.



We live our lives in socially imposed secrecy and isolation to a greater or lesser degree depending on the level of risk that we perceive in exposure. And that has a cost -- a real, and often significant cost. Consider. For almost everything that we do as social creatures, we learn and model our behaviors and expectations and understandings on our observations of those around us. From our earliest childhoods, we watch and learn from those other people in our communities and families and neighborhoods. Whether it is in the workplace, or the school, or the worship community, or on the playground, or in the bridge club, we learn what are the norms and the values and the ins and outs of being whatever it is we are trying to be and become from the other people who ARE that very thing.



Except that WE most often cannot do that. Because it is nearly impossible for us to gather freely and easily and comfortably together as WHO and WHAT we are and socialize. It is not possible for submissives and slaves, Masters and Dominants, to simply spend time in the community as we are. If we are able to gather, it is within carefully guarded and contrived settings, out of the eye of the rest of the public, so as to not "offend" regular folks. There is no way for those who are new to this to observe those who have done it for a significant period of time. There's no opportunity to know who, in your neighborhood, is also living the life. There's no easy way to identify which middle-aged couple might serve as guides and mentors if you are new and just beginning this journey together. There is almost nobody that you can look to who can demonstrate that this is a healthy, joyful, positive way to live. Where does someone look if they are seeking affirmation that this is a sexual/erotic orientation that can be (and should be) embraced without a sense of shame?


So. We are limited to mostly on-line interactions, and thank goodness we have it! But, we (many of us) know the limits of the medium. It is tailor-made to push us all to competition if we don't keep our heads screwed on. Before you know it, if you aren't careful, you can convince yourself that there really is only one "right" way to do this, and that you aren't it. Before too long, if you read much, you can easily become convinced that you aren't good enough, brave enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, open enough, graceful enough... whatever enough. The truth is, that we are not robots, not fantasy characters, not idealized dreams. We are real humans with real lives. We don't live on-line (at least most of us don't).


Each and all of us, whether on the Top-side or bottom-side of the power dynamic, would benefit from more opportunity and freedom to do what we do out in the open with our community. We'd learn from each other and we'd ask our questions in a much healthier, less overheated, less breathless environment. There would be far fewer divas, gurus, rock stars, and the like. Probably fewer train wrecks, too.


swan