Processing Pain

To live inside of a relationship that is significantly defined by sadomasochistic power exchange requires at least some ability to process painful stimuli in some positive fashion. Different people experience that differently, of course.


In fact, I have experienced it differently at different points in time, even within the context of this relationship. Still, I believe that I am, at my core, essentially masochistic (however convoluted the manifestation of that might be), and understanding how pain works within my sexual/erotic expression feels important to me.


Emily Dickinson wrote:

The Mystery of Pain


Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

That speaks truthfully to me. I don't remember when I did not have these dark, hot fantasies about being compelled by One who would hurt me. I know that for as long as I have lived within this relationship, there have been periods of time (sometimes lengthy) that were blurred into almost continuous stretches of pain -- endured, survived, anticipated, and that those time periods have given me insight to my past and windows into my future. That future, I know, will be stippled with the pain of paddlings and strappings and canings for as long as the two of us can physically do it.

But, then... as He is quick to point out, once a long time ago, I played at a much higher level, and with a much different frame of reference. I took far more "punishment" with a sense of eagerness and joy that I seldom (if ever) reach anymore. I miss that time. I remember it with fondness and wistfulness and longing. I am, sometimes, afraid of the consequences of having lost that capacity for meeting His appetites with ones of my own that somehow seem "equal."


Which all leads me to the place of contemplating and wondering about processing and eroticizing pain -- the ways of that mystery which lies at the deepest, darkest heart of our connecting.

I think there are layers and levels to the question of pain processing within the context of sadomasochism. It isn't all the same thing. Even as we are all uniquely shaped for the ways we engage in this orientation, so there are vast variations in how sadomasochistic power exchange manifests in individuals and between partners. I want to know more clearly what is understood in general about the subject, but, more specifically, I want to have some better insight into my own reactions so that I can work to move in the direction that will help me grow in my own development as the sexual being I am (with the gifts I have been given).

What then are the components of pain processing in sadomasochism? Some of them are well-known and well understood, but there are others that I believe are less well documented. Beginning now, I am committed to learning what I can about how pain is perceived and processed in sexual sadomasochism.

Acceptance -- Mindset is, perhaps, the single largest part of how pain is dealt with I suspect. BDSM is, first and foremost, a consensual practice, and the pain that is inflicted is (at its most primal level) sought out and, by definition, accepted by the recipient. Accepting and encompassing the pain changes the way that the sensations are perceived and tolerated. Acceptance of the pain allows it to become connective rather than aversive and frightening. Other approaches to pain management: avoidance or trying to "think it through" may give the masochist some pathways to travel away from overwhelmingly intense sensations, but are likely going to be less successful, ultimately than a full acceptance of the pain itself. There have actually been clinical studies, conducted in the area of chronic pain management that would seem to support this conclusion. The mindset that leads to acceptance and integration of the reception of pain is within the realm of choice. A masochist can choose the attitude of acceptance rather than that of avoidance.

Pacing -- Pacing can have a real impact on how pain is perceived. When intense sensations are delivered at carefully regulated intervals, the ability to process the pain is generally greater than when the same sets of stimuli wash over the masochist in an uncontrolled flood. Again, within the chronic pain management field, the notion of pacing, plays a very real role in approaching pain tolerance. Within that environment, individuals are taught to find their "baselines." Baselines are levels of activity that can be reached before the pain that an individual experiences becomes "worse." Patients with chronic pain, are encouraged to change their activity when they reach the level where an activity would cause the pain to become worse. Within the BDSM community, we often talk about something similar to this notion of pacing without really establishing what it means, or without having any clear sense of how we might establish a pace that would either assist in the processing of pain or make that more difficult. Obviously, the pacing of a sadomasochistic "session" is not typically within the control of the masochistic (or bottom) partner.

Endorphins -- Painful stimuli can, under certain circumstances, release chemical compounds called endorphins. Endorphins are a family of endogenous morphinelike peptides present within the central nervous system. Their discovery has greatly enhanced the understanding of the mechanism of action of opiate drugs and how the perception of pain is modulated within the central nervous system. The release of endorphins depends on many factors, and has varying levels of impact on the perception of painful stimuli.

Personal well-being -- Pain is experienced within physical, mental, emotional, and environmental contexts. Depending on how each of those realities is coping with the onrush of painful stimuli in a particular encounter, the pain can seem more or less intense. As I have discovered in the last year and a half, the state of my physical and mental health makes a very real difference in how I deal with pain. I've also discovered that my emotions make a big difference, too. Surprise! If I am frustrated, angry, hurt, scared... then pain is much tougher to encompass. Pain happens first, of course, in the body, but it gets managed in the head. So, it makes sense that what is happening in the emotional life of a masochist is going to impact the procssing of painful sensation.

Tricks -- There are a whole wealth of "tricks" to managing pain. There are biofeedback techniques and breathing techniques and meditation techniques and relaxation techniques. There are methods that are learned in prepared childbirth classes. There are the kinds of dissociative defenses that some of us may have developed in abusive situations. Some of these methods for managing and escaping from the presence of pain work better in some circumstances than others. They can have the disadvantage of "taking the individual away from full presence" in the moment.

Another part of dealing with pain in BDSM is in what is expected. The level of pain experienced is related to the level of pain that is expected. If the masochist can trust that the stimuli will not be beyond the level that is "tolerable," the fear factor can be reduced and the ability to manage it can be increased. Expectations do influence our perceptions of the levels of pain we experience, and those perceptions change our sense of how well or badly we feel about that pain.

All of that is "information." Some of that I had already. Some of it is new. I hardly think it is an exhaustive study of the subject. It is a beginning place for me to start reshaping the way I think about pain in terms of what it is that we do. Some of that is within my control -- how I think about the whole idea of "pain" for example. Other parts of it are not at all within my domain. I have no ability at all to control the pacing or environment that surrounds my experiences of pain.

I just want to become more pro-active in my development as a partner in this relationship. I want to find my way back to the place where I was when I was more His match as a play partner. If I could make that happen, that would be worth the effort.

swan