What's Domestic Discipline?

We had dinner with a friend on Friday: A "vanilla" friend. A friend who is wonderfully non-judgemental about us and also openly curious about the way that we live our lives.

One of the questions that arose over the course of a long evening of conversation was "What is Domestic Discipline (DD)?"

We only sort of answered that question. It isn't that we attempted to sidestep it, or that we wanted to soft-pedal the answer, or that we are unable to competenly find our way through that discussion. The truth is that, from our perspective, the answer to the question of "what is DD?" is multi-layered and more complex than it really seems at first glance. That is a function of long experience and, of course, personal bias. We have practiced "domestic discipline." We have acquaintances and friends who have practiced DD as well. We have significant understanding of the dynamic.

Still, it would have been easy enough to let the question just go on by and not engage in the contemplation of this particular "branch" of the BDSM tree except for the recent conversation with Vivian from The Disciplined Feminist. Thinking about some of the questions and quandries that she is currently wrapped up in, brought me to lot of thinking about the whole set of assumptions upon which Domestic Discipline is founded.

Maybe the comment that Vivian made sums up the most common experience that I've seen over the years I've had occasion to know people who have tried to implement DD in their lives:

"I'm increasingly convinced that the disparity between fantasy and reality is one of the most dangerous pitfalls of developing a DD relationship. I have read posts from so many disappointed and frustrated women who don't understand why their DD relationships aren't turning out the way they saw them in their head..."

That is pretty much the real meat of what I'm going to say here. In just a couple of lines. So, if you are not into reading a fullblown treatise on the subject, you could quit now.

Definitionally, Domestic Discipline (DD) isn't that complicated. It is a consensual relational power dynamic in which one partner is given a degree of authority to make decisions for the relationship, and concommitant power to enforce those decisions. The goals of this power transference are most often identified as a reduction in conflict, improved communication and connection, enhanced intimacy, management of perceived problematic behaviors, and more efficiency in the management of the practical matters within the relationship. In terms of implementation, the practice is widely (and most typically) based on rules and the use of regularly applied punishment, most often in the form of spanking (although other models can be found).


On the face of it, clearly DD falls under the umbrella of BDSM when one understands that acronym to mean Bondage/Discipline/Dominance/Submission/Sadism/Masochism. However, there are many adherents to the tenets of DD who will argue loudly that they do not DO BDSM. Most often, when I've gotten embroiled in that debate, it comes down to what people see as a contrast: DD seems nice and clean cut and wholesome (think Donna Reed for those of you who are old enough to remember her) while BDSM seems dark and sinister and perverted and "in-your-face" kinky. So, if you do DD, you spank but you don't have to come to terms with the darkness of that part of who you are -- it is "sanitized" and "civilized." There are even groups who practice it from a religious basis and justify it with scriptural backing (I won't even go there).


I came into the "real-life" practice of BDSM through the doorway marked "Domestic Discipline." I think that my experience with it (up to a certain point) parallels that of many who follow the DD path. So, perhaps, my story can be illustrative. I'd had spanking fantasies and control fantasies throughout my adult life. As I married very young, I really didn't understand those parts of my sexual orientation, and I married a man with no interest in spanking. For almost all of the years of my marriage, I hid those desires, or at the very most, extremely tentatively tried to introduce the idea of spanking to my husband. Those efforts ended dismally each and everytime. He saw my drives toward spanking and control as "sick" and "perverse." Then, I purchased my first personal computer and typed "spanking" into a search engine. What I found changed my life; set me on the path. But the beginning, for me, was the same as the beginning for many others who have the same wants and needs, because they like me are going to find these places:

• Fondly and Firmly


• Vicki Blue's Domestic Discipline


• Digits and Maryann's Domestic Discipline

Nowadays, unlike then, people will likely also find their way to the "Taken In Hand" blog. I am not going to provide links to any of those sites because I don't endorse the things that you would find there. Misinformation is dispensed and blatant deception is practiced at some of these sites. I know the facts personally, and I simply will not recommend them.



I read all about DD with amazement and wonder and a dimly growing sense of hope in those early desperate days of my explorations. Very gently, and timidly, I showed it to my husband, and he seemed to be interested. Domestic Discipline is the "nice guy's" brand of BDSM. After all, it talks about being gentlemanly; exercising leadership in the family; providing guidance and strong character. Golly, who wouldn't go for that song and dance? "We" decided to give it a try (note the quotation marks -- they are intentional). I signed us up for an email discussion list on YahooGroups and we were off to the races. I had all kinds of questions which I asked on list, and discussed with other list members at great length. He hardly ever read or wrote there. That is not unusual. In fact, it is almost a hallmark on these lists. The participation level is heavily tilted toward the female partner, and the number of males who take part is very small. The same questions get asked (and answered) over and over and over:

• How can I get him to spank me?


• How can I get him to spank me harder?


• How can I get him to spank me differently?


• How can I get him not to spank me so hard?


• How can I get him to be more consistent?


• What do I do when he does something I don't agree with?


• What if I don't like it when he spanks me?


• How can I get him to spank me?
  

Repeat endlessly. It becomes a never-ending loop that leads to nowhere.

And that is the difficulty. That is the dilemma that is pointed to by what Vivian notes in her comment that I cited at the beginning of all of this. Women almost always introduce DD to relationships. They convince their men to enter into the arrangement in order to fulfill some "fantasy" that they hold in their minds. Because the nature of DD is that it is heavily rule laden and carefully structured to eliminate any potential for uncertainty, surprise, or loss of control on the part of the "non-dominant" partner, the negotiations almost always serve to create a system that establishes the titular "head" in a position that is entirely at the service of the nominal "subordinate." That clash between what is stated as the intent and what exists as the reality creates all kinds of cognitive dissonance as the partners try to resolve the unacknowledged paradox. The most common result is continual jostling as the HOH (DD parlance for "head of household") attempts repeatedly to assert the control which he is supposed to be exercising only to have it questioned, evaluated, and often found lacking in one way or another. When, understandably, the (usually initially reluctant, didn't ask for this in the first place) "King of the Castle" then backs way off, he is called to task for lack of consistency. Meanwhile the poor, unfulfilled, frustrated, confused, waiting to be swept-off-her-feet "surrendered" woman fidgets and pouts at the injustice of it all.


Now, to be fair, it doesn't always go that way. A few people make it work. I know a very few working DD relationships. And some, like me, move from strict DD on into more "traditional" or "mainstream" (or whatever other word that doesn't fit very well in that context) styles of BDSM. I think that DD is, for most people with a drive toward BDSM related activities, a detour and, quite possibly a backwater eddy where it is possible to get stuck. Unless couples have the great good luck to find wise heads from the wider community, they are unlikely to find their way through the power exchange dynamics that come as part and parcel of the business of one competent, responsible, adult human being exercising authority and control over another. Unless someone supports them in talking about their fears and anxieties about the "positive, healthy, kinky sexuality" of it all, it is possible to miss the boat of self-discovery and acceptance that is so essential to growth and positive self-concept that can be part of the path of learning in the BDSM arena. I don't think that most people in the Domestic Discipline arena are skilled in those realms, and I think that spending too much time with them (if you are inclined toward kink) is constraining in ways that are not healthy.


Intimate interpersonal relationships ought to be based on respect. That respect should be mutual, but it needs to begin with self-respect. To make it clear what I mean by that, I believe that part of what operates too often in the Domestic Discipline situations which I have observed is that there has not been sufficient consideration given by the partner who initiates the dynamic to her own internal needs and drives. Without some solid sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance, the person who most commonly asks for DD (usually the female partner) is unable to accept the urges and needs that drive her to start the conversation in the first place. There is an inherent lack of self-respect that undermines everything that follows. Added to that, in far too many cases, the beginnings of most DD relationships lack basic respect for the realities of the partner who gets brought into the dynamic by request or demand. In almost every case, the nominally controlling partner doesn't get the basic respect of getting to choose that role. Instead, it is usually thrust upon him, and he is simply expected to step up and know how to do it. I've rarely, if ever, seen partners enter into a conversation that asks what each one actually needs to be happy, comfortable, and fulfilled within the dynamic that is being considered. That would be respectful and it ought to be the beginning point.


What that meant for me, when it was all said and done, was that if I was going to finally realize the fact of my submissive nature and make an alliance with a man who would and could answer that need, it was not going to happen within the context of my marriage. Trying to impose that model onto the husband that I was in relationship with, without regard for his inherent nature and inclinations, was unkind, disrespectful, and ultimately unsuccessful from a relational standpoint. I was told, very early on by Jon Jacobs link here (co-author of "Different Loving" and owner of a chat room and listserve called Submissive Women Speak) that my husband was not a dominant, and that as a submissive woman, I would someday find a true Dominant man and leave my husband. It made me terribly angry, but it was prophetic for the eventual course of my life. In fact, that is exactly what happened. I did come to find a Dominant man, and I did leave my husband and form an honest BDSM relationship based on the FACT of who I was and who He was. Truthfully, I believe that many, many women attempt to impose the Domestic Discipline model on dull or uninteresting marriages in the hope that something miraculous will happen -- and that they try to do that without ever taking into account whether that model actually fits. When it doesn't, they fuss and fume and, more often than not, lay blame where it really does not belong.


So, my personal view and bias is that Domestic Discipline is the poor step-child of the BDSM family. It is what joyful, self-aware, sexy, powerful, erotic power-exchange becomes when it is forced to live on bread and water and dwell in the darkness under the emotional stairs. Allowing the truth of that sexual orientation and power balance dynamic out of the darkness and into the open requires honesty and courage and imagination. It isn't something to be undertaken lightly. It isn't a game. There are consequences. There are also rewards.


swan