Living with a "Real" Sadist

In a comment to the "It is Called Sadism" post, Wandering Traveler wrote:

it opens my head up a little more to learn more about real
sadism. not just sensation play, which is more my cup of tea. it makes sense to
me, now that i consider it, that a skillful and present sadist would become
adept at responding to the bottom's responses, esp. as the bottom's responses
are fundamental to the sadistic motivation. it makes me think also that a true
masochist would ride pain a different way than a person more erotically aligned
with power or sensation play, for example.

the dialog gives me pause to think about how for some
players, it's more about the physical limits, for others, mental, emotional, or
spiritual. surely these can not all be compartmentalized. i heard ...concern
more in terms of feeling safe in less physically tangible ways - the mental or
emotional or spiritual - where it is easy to assume one's interior states are
harder to expertly read. or that is where the fear is ...

mercy, talk about trusting! like finding a good therapist,
a good dentist, a good body worker, you just don't turn yourself over to any
sadist ...

Wise words.



If we are smart, reasonable, sensible, we really don't turn ourselves over to just any sadist. The connection between sadist and masochist is potentially powerfully connective and energizing for both on a variety of levels. This is not, as Wandering Traveler indicates, just a physical activity.



Sadomasochistic power exchange can touch the whole person -- physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. Too often, players on both sides of the exchange (especially when they are new and inexperienced) focus entirely on the physical aspects: how and where and when to hit or whatever. Surely such "technical" skill focus is important and a necessary part of the learning curve for those who would play safely in this arena, but there is much more to know and understand.



As the comment hints, a skilled and "present" sadist watches and attends to all of the myriad subtle and varied reactions and responses of the partner. Empathic awareness is part and parcel of the way the best sadists operate. It fuels their energy, fires their enjoyment, and informs their decision-making. Without it, they are limited to reading the physical signage that tells them that there are welts, bruises, tears, sweat, lost circulation in the extremities, etc. Those physical signs and symptoms are useful and important, but they are superficial. They give clues to the physical well-being and are not to be ignored, but can be misleading, for none of us are purely physical creatures.



I don't know the secrets that sadists share. I am not part of the club. I do know that I trust Him to know me better than I know myself sometimes. I know He watches me move and listens to me talk. He sees my skin tone and my muscles twitch and understands the state of my soul and spirit. He seeks to evoke responses that come from the depths of my being. He makes knowing that depth part of His base of understanding. It is what allows Him to elicit the reactions that He seeks from me. Whatever I might think or want or believe at any given moment, He chooses and directs the course of our lives and our play based on His own sure sense of how things are with me.



There is a very great deal written about the intimacy and intensity of lifestyle realtionships. I am sure that sometimes that becomes the reality. Often, those who dabble in BDSM play at the surface, touching only the physical realm. To come to know and reveal the inner workings of the other requires deep sensitivity and great trust. It calls for real courage and real strength. It is not a game.



swan