Fair?

A question was asked recently as to why it is that I am the only one that is spanked in our household (at least on any sort of regular basis), and doesn't that seem "unfair?"

It is the sort of question that sometimes comes at us from (presumably) honestly curious, and well-meaning observers of our dynamic that just causes me to feel as if I am standing open-mouthed with nothing to say but, "because I am, and no it doesn't." Except that answering like that seems unduly terse and comes off seeming "hostile."

The question doesn't make me feel antagonistic or hostile. It is just that, in order to answer a question that feels so devoid of any kind of intrinsic understanding of our relational dynamics, I imagine having to construct an entire universe of complex descriptions and definitions, before I can explain -- and by the time I get it all built up conceptually, the question should probably be not a question anymore. Or am I kidding myself?

Oh well, let me see if I can create some sort of framework that makes this a little bit clear:

We are three capable, educated, self-aware, mature adults. We have all lived better than half a century on this planet. We've done some things, known some people, experienced some ups and some downs. We've had joys and sorrows; failures and triumphs. We've pretty much come to know the inner workings or our hearts and minds, and to be comfortable in our own skins. None of us spend a lot of time wishing we were someone else or apologizing much for who we are. Each of us is unique, with our own personality, our own history, our own set of needs, our own "way" of being in the world and with one another.

We live together, by choice and by great good luck. We have forged a family that loves and cares, not because society decrees it, but because we choose it and define it and manifest it in our lives. A significant, defining, foundational aspect of that is our relational power dynamic. We consciously and deliberately elect to define the flow of power and authority within our relationships, and we choose to formally recognize and enact those energy structures in our lives.

Because every individual is unique, each relationship between individuals is unique as well. That is true within our family, just as it is in all other relationships and families. Each of our "pair" relationships has its own character. So, for example, T and I relate to each other differently, than Master and I do. The boundaries are different, the issues are different, the needs are different, and so is the power dynamic. The "triad" relationship, likewise, has a different flavor and energy to it than do any of the dyads.

In specific terms, T and I relate as "sisters." We each love and care for Master, we support and care for each other, we share the work of the household, we collaborate on things, we join in "making mischief" around Him. It is our dynamic. We are peers. Master and T have a D/s relationship. She is His wife and His collared submissive. T is very service oriented and devotes herself to keeping track of household social obligations, managing our entertainment schedules, managing the shopping, handling much of the medical and insurance record keeping, etc. She is the planner and organizer. She is a wonderful, talented, resourceful, creative cook. Without her, we would starve all alone. She does not have an orientation to pain. This is a very real health and well-being issue that arises out of significant medical hurdles in her past. He chooses not to engage in SM play with her precisely because He cherishes her and would not harm her. He and I are Master and slave. Along with the practical, daily, shared management of His household, I am His masochistic partner in service to His sadomasochism. For He and I, SM is the connecting bridge that expresses our sexual erotic orientation. It is a shared gift that we explore with one another. I understand and accept that He hurts me because He loves me, and I absolutely know that He will not harm me. I experience that "hurting" as connective and loving, and I miss it and crave it if it is absent from our interactions for any significant period of time.

Which, brings me back around to the original question: Why am I the only one that gets spanked, and doesn't that seem unfair?

Because I do, and no it doesn't.

swan