Slaves make crappy friends

"Slaves make crappy friends." That's what kaya says, and I really do understand why she makes that assertion. I think that the issue of maintaining friendships while, simultaneously living in a power-based relationship dynamic is one that many of us confront at times. It seems to be the topic on people's minds in a couple of places, as danae addressed it on her blog, too.

Now. I'm going to use the word "slave" because it is convenient and easier to write this that way. I have no intention of exculding from what I'm about to say, those who self-identify as submissive and live in relationships where the balance of power lies largely in the hands of their partner. In our own family, T identifies as submissive, and I call myself slave -- I see no particular distinction in the nature of His demands on our time, focus, committments, and energy. So, if shifting that language around makes this work better for your particular frame of reference, please feel free...

I understand that it is possible to get to feeling like we are "crappy" at being friends when the demands on our time and energies leave us without much to contribute in the sometimes frenetic cyber social settings where many of us have contacts. For those of us who carry significant daily loads of work that arise out of our relationship committments, it is almost impossible to carve out the time to participate extensively in the various online fora that can tempt one to while away the hours on the computer. I know that I can't write and respond and read for hours on end. I just don't have those hours. When things get into hyper-busy mode around here, I'm doing good to check my email -- let alone write or even check in with my regular circle.

I'm not convinced, however, that having "limited" online presence makes a person a "crappy friend." I think friendship is built out of more than just time online. There are people who count as friends in my world who are just as busy and just as committed to their life choices as I am, and I know that their time is limited. I understand when they aren't "around" much. They are making choices (or, perhaps having choices made for them) that keep them away from this and other venues where we might "chat." I respect and honor that reality.

For me, friendship is built from other important elements.

I want friends who are genuine, open, honest, straightforward, and down-to-earth. I value those who will say what is on their minds and share what they are actually thinking and experiencing. I've, more than once, gone after those who only share the sunny parts of their lives, or worse, who make up stories and promulgate lies about lives that are entirely immaginary. I'm not some fragile ego that needs everyone to tell me just what I want to hear, and I'm perfectly capable of making decisions about the things I read. I don't need things edited as if I'd just arrived on the scene last night, and I'm relatively thick skinned, so if someone rants, vents, or just has a moment, it is likely not going to tip me into a deep pit of despair or anger.

I tend to value people who have some kind of smarts. I want to spend the time I DO have with people who think, question, wonder, and learn. I like people who write coherently and give me something to think about with what they have to say. I am not interested in those who never struggle -- who are perfectly enslaved and living in a forever glow of joy and bliss. That's great if it is your gig, but I can't imagine that as my reality -- ever, and I don't want to read about it. Thanks anyway.

It matters to me that people exhibit some sort of constancy. I like steadfast as a word, and I like it as a quality in the people I spend time with. I don't need you to be there, ready to chat, everytime I turn on my computer. I do want to have the sense that you are "around," paying some sort of attention, and investing some kind of energy -- and I expect that, if we are friends, I should do likewise. We may not interact very much, but it is important to me that the possibility exists for us to intereact without having to spend a ton of time learning who we each are.

I know that I'm not an easy person to be friends with -- or to be in relationship with. I have moods, and they are pretty labile sometimes. Patience and some kind of even temperament are qualities that I really appreciate in people that I connect with.

The people that I want to call "friend" are people of personal strength. They've lived enough to have met challenges, faced difficulties, gotten banged around a bit. My friends know what it is to take risks, make unpopular choices, stand up for what you believe, and fight for what you want. They have a few scars, and they wear them with pride because they know they are the medals of honor in the battle to live a full and adventurous life.

So. If I list those qualities: genuine, open, honest, straightforward, and down-to-earth; a person with smarts able to think, question, wonder, and learn; constant and steadfast; patient and even tempered; strong and self-aware, I don't see a single reason (other than time constraints) why most of the slaves that I know would make a "crappy" friend. I understand the things my slave friends cannot give. For me, what is far more important is that list of what they can and do give.

swan