Stop Chattering

Because I read (and re-read) the work of Kathleen Norris, I am somewhat familiar of the life path she follows which includes her association with a Benedictine monastery. I've been working my way back through her book, "The Cloister Walk," and I was struck by one essay in which she talks about the process of monastic formation. It seems that it is common for those seeking to enter into the monastic life to spend between four and five years in "formation" before they formally and officially become part of the community. For me, that resonates with the process that I seem to have followed growing into our power-based relational dynamic. Some people talk of training in connection with the genesis of M/s relationships, but to me, the notion of formation somehow seems closer to my own reality.


After about eight years, I am occasionally "there" in terms of actually living up to the vision that I have of what I should be in terms of this life.


That understanding causes me to want to talk about the process of growing into this lifestyle. I know that everyone comes to this differently. I know that all of us have different orientations to the lifestyle, different needs, different temperaments, and different visions of what this life might, in time, end up meaning for us. I know that my way into this is unique to me, and really not a template for others to follow. I know.



Still, I think there are some basic precepts that can be understood, and which when implemented, make accomplishing the goal of living in a viable power dynamic much more likely to be achieved. I've had many people attribute a large measure of courage to me and my journey to this point, and I don't dispute that there were decision points where I may have acted with some bravery -- perhaps more bravery than wisdom. Still, I don't think that courage is the primary necessity for making this happen. I also don't think it is determination, or intellect, or any of a host of other good and positive attributes.


I think the thing that is most requisite for allowing this to happen is a sort of internal, personal stillness from which one may listen intently and learn to speak, when speech is appropriate, plainly and truthfully. It is endless, mindless, ego-reflective chatter from the novice submissive that kills most would be power-relationships before they ever get off the ground:

I want

I need

I dream

I hope

I fear

I like

I don't like

I must

I require

I demand

No matter what techniques, structures, rules, protocols, patterns, or methodologies a dominant partner might implement inside of the power dynamic, that "magpie" chattering will drown out everything else. However differently we might experience the unique variations within our relationships, obedience becomes (for nearly all of us) the essential measure of our "formation" in this life. Success or failures at those things set for us to do and accomplish are never as important as whether or not we were obedient in the effort.

To obey, it is necessary to listen. The words themselves are related at their most elemental roots. If we trace their origins, we find that they reflect and hearken to one another:

Obey comes from the Old French word "obeir," and from the Latin "oboedire." In those languages, it meant "pay attention to, give ear." Literally, to obey is to listen to; to hear.

Listen comes from the Old English word "hlysnan," to listen," and from the line leading to the German word, "lausen" -- also "to listen." In Sanskrit, the word srosati means "hears, obeys," and in the Greek, the word is "klyo" meaning to hear or be called.

We cannot achieve obedience if we do not listen, and we cannot listen if we are immersed in an internal cacophony of self-centered, prattling ego. If we want to submit, one of the prerequisite skills is learning to wait with some sort of quiet.

It isn't an easy thing. Years into my "formation," I still find myself wrapped up, occasionally, in babbling on and on about something that is happening to me or with me, or determined to make some point that seems terribly important to me. If I don't catch it, He often simply stops the whole business by some comment or word that carries the tone of judgement that simply shuts me down. I know how really still "in process" my own growth is, because that shutting down move can make me quite angry and frustrated by times.

"Fine!" I'll hear myself say to myself. "I'll just shut up. This is obviously not a conversation. Harrumph!" Silly. It usually, thankfully, doesn't take me too long to hear that voice in my head and realize that I'm in the wrong place and correct. Back to listening. Back to waiting. Back to obeying.

Someday, maybe, He'll make that correction, and I'll simply get back into the proper place without that passage through self-absorption. Who knows, the possibility exists that I'll eventually come to a place where I'll catch that chatterbox myself, and quiet her down so He doesn't have to. That would be even better.

swan