Heart Lessons

I spent the day yesterday with Xander cuddled in close to me. He's a wonderfully calm, snuggly little guy, and it is peaceful holding him in my arms. He is still very new, and very sleepy much of the time, and while it is tempting to poke at him so he'll wake up and give me that curious new baby once over, I am inclined to let him sleep against my chest.

My son and his wife are just in love with their "little man," and who can blame them? I have surely lost my heart. My son, Rick, adores him -- is completely amazed by him; gets the most endearing, gentle, happy look on his face as he stares into this baby's eyes. What a warm and wonderful father he is going to be. And his care and concern for his wife, Anne is obvious. She knows it, too, and she clearly adores him for it. I love her, and I am so proud of the man he has become!

My brother, Hank, who lives in Dallas, suggested, on Facebook, that I'd be very quick to move back to Denver now. He, himself, acknowledged that he was being "evil" in suggesting it, but the comment gives me pause. I tested that out inside of myself for just a minute, because until he said it, I hadn't considered it. What I find is that, even with this adorable baby in the picture, my life is not here in Denver. My life and my world and my place are exactly where they were before I ever stepped on the plane on Friday. I will find ways to be in Xander's life, and perhaps there will be more frequent travel to Denver in the future, but I know this -- I cannot wait to get home to Master and to T.

I also got the chance to spend time with my daughter, Sarah yesterday, and that was wonderful as well. She has completed her time with the state correctional system, and she seems clear and strong and sane and sober, and it is so interesting to see her grown into a fully aware and powerful woman. She is definitely still inherently "wild," and disinclined to behave in socially acceptable ways unless she chooses to do so. The big difference is that she does sometimes CHOOSE, and that is a huge shift in her. She told me that it is very strange, but she sometimes opens her mouth and my voice comes out. That made me laugh. I can imagine the consternation that must cause her.

It all reminds me of the time, so long ago, when those kids of mine were infants and children and adolescents. I was so young when I was being their mom; so unsure in so many ways; and working with very little in terms of resources. I gave them my whole heart, and I was dedicated to making life as good for them as I could. From the very beginning, and through every single thing that happened along the way, my "mission" was to raise good adults -- people who would live in the world with awareness and heart and strength of character. I've often wondered how well I did. I've entertained the niggling doubt that it would have been better if they had had parents who were older or wiser, who had more money, who were more stable and less "crazy." I've wondered if I made the right choice back when I allowed those other grandchildren to be given up for adoption rather than take them to raise them myself. So many choices made; so many unknowns; so many paths taken without the option of turning back...

And here they all are. And here I am. It seems it all turned out beautifully. There, I think, is the lesson for this grandmother: Live with your whole heart, and love completely in the moment that you have. The future will carry us all into what will be. We cannot see that from here. All we can do is believe in what is good and invest our lives in it.

swan