Rules

My friend, morningstar, has been writing, for a couple of weeks now, about a "break" in her power-based dynamic with her Sir. I honestly don't know a lot about what is really happening inside their relationship. She's been relatively quiet about the details, and his own post about the current problems is cryptic to say the least.


Her latest post talks about how hurt she is feeling, and there is a good deal of self-doubt and self-recrimination. Our family continues to simply wait and listen and care; wishing there were more that could be done. One part of what she wrote however, mentions me (and a few others) specifically:

It would seem i have forgotten the rules........ most of the rules....... and i shouldn't have ... Sir shouldn't have to reinforce them should He? i should remember them.. and follow them and be proud i have rules............. be a graceful gracious subbie.. i keep telling myself swan wouldn't forget the rules.. leesa wouldn't.. kaya wouldn't........ drakor wouldn't......BUT i have !




I've read that bit over and over and over. It just feels "wrong" to me -- at least in the sense that it is about me. I can't "get to" the biggest pieces of whatever is going on between morningstar and her Sir, but I can speak to the comparison between her own submissive capacity for compliance and obedience and mine.

I don't write much about rules. I don't discuss rules within the context of our power-based relationship. It feels to me like formally stated and structured rules are just not something that is central to our dynamic. I know that it is fairly common, in the lifestyle, to create very formal, and carefully negotiated agreements about limits and rules and consequences for non-compliance. Intellectually, all of that makes sense to me -- I understand how I think it would work, but I have no experience of how a relationship that is structured in that fashion actually works. So, what I have to say about "rules" should be taken with a large grain of salt.

When I checked the definition of the word "rule," I found that a rule is defined as an authoritative, prescribed direction for conduct. One who makes rules moves to exercise control, dominion, or direction over; to dominate by powerful influence; or to exercise supreme authority.

It seems clear to me, when I read that set of definitions, and when I then think about the nature of a dynamic that relies on a rule-based structure, that it must be a two-person endeavor. There is, of course, the person for whom the rules are promulgated; the one who is expected to obey, but there is also, by definition, someone who makes the rules, exerts the control, exercises the authority. When rules form the foundation, there must be a balance achieved between the one who follows those rules and the one who administers the rules. If either partner in the transaction fails to focus, fails to attend, then it seems to me that the structure cannot stand.

I always say that I live with, and attempt to live up to, expectations, rather than rules. I don't have rules about what I wear, or where I sit, or how I speak, or where I can go, or... I don't know why, but those are simply things that do not seem to be important to Master, and so He doesn't engage in making rules about them. Remember that administering rules requires attention and focus. When it comes to expectations, however, there are definitely a host of those. He expects to live comfortably, and He expects that T and I will do what it takes to make that a reality. In practice, that means that there are clean clothes when and where He expects to find them, there is food prepared for Him when and how He wants it, His needs for medictions and health-related care is taken care of without Him having to invest energy in any of it. He expects to be spoken to in a particular fashion, and He expects to be treated with specific and unfailing respect and affection. Surely, too, He expects to be able to play sadomasochistically when He wants to, and He expects that His sexual pleasure will be taken care of.

Most of that is unspoken between us. I have learned, over time, what He wants and needs, and tending to all of that has become a part of my regular routine. T is the same way, and she and I are really good partners. I'd imagine that a casual observer would look at the things I do and see very little distinction between my behavior in this relationship and that of most good wives. If that is the case, then that's just fine. I'm not here to argue the point.

So, morningstar, my dear friend, I want you to quit putting me up on the pedestal when it comes to remembering and following rules. That bit of self-criticism can be crossed of your list. I have no real idea how I would do with a whole list of detailed rules. Perhaps I'd accommodate that "gracefully," but there is no way to be sure. One other thing that I think you may want to re-think, my friend, with regard to this notion of rules is this -- you seem convinced that your Sir shouldn't have to invest any energy in reinforcing rules. I disagree. Rules need to be reinforced and upheld and attended to by the one who takes on the authority position. That IS the responsibility of your Sir and any other Dominant or Master who believes in the importance of rules within the power dynamic. It is as simple as this: rules which you are not willing to enforce are not really rules, and you have no reason to expect anyone to follow them.

swan