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6/22/2009

Rules

My friend, morningstar, has been writing, for a couple of weeks now, about a "break" in her power-based dynamic with her Sir. I honestly don't know a lot about what is really happening inside their relationship. She's been relatively quiet about the details, and his own post about the current problems is cryptic to say the least.


Her latest post talks about how hurt she is feeling, and there is a good deal of self-doubt and self-recrimination. Our family continues to simply wait and listen and care; wishing there were more that could be done. One part of what she wrote however, mentions me (and a few others) specifically:

It would seem i have forgotten the rules........ most of the rules....... and i shouldn't have ... Sir shouldn't have to reinforce them should He? i should remember them.. and follow them and be proud i have rules............. be a graceful gracious subbie.. i keep telling myself swan wouldn't forget the rules.. leesa wouldn't.. kaya wouldn't........ drakor wouldn't......BUT i have !




I've read that bit over and over and over. It just feels "wrong" to me -- at least in the sense that it is about me. I can't "get to" the biggest pieces of whatever is going on between morningstar and her Sir, but I can speak to the comparison between her own submissive capacity for compliance and obedience and mine.




I don't write much about rules. I don't discuss rules within the context of our power-based relationship. It feels to me like formally stated and structured rules are just not something that is central to our dynamic. I know that it is fairly common, in the lifestyle, to create very formal, and carefully negotiated agreements about limits and rules and consequences for non-compliance. Intellectually, all of that makes sense to me -- I understand how I think it would work, but I have no experience of how a relationship that is structured in that fashion actually works. So, what I have to say about "rules" should be taken with a large grain of salt.


When I checked the definition of the word "rule," I found that a rule is defined as an authoritative, prescribed direction for conduct. One who makes rules moves to exercise control, dominion, or direction over; to dominate by powerful influence; or to exercise supreme authority.


It seems clear to me, when I read that set of definitions, and when I then think about the nature of a dynamic that relies on a rule-based structure, that it must be a two-person endeavor. There is, of course, the person for whom the rules are promulgated; the one who is expected to obey, but there is also, by definition, someone who makes the rules, exerts the control, exercises the authority. When rules form the foundation, there must be a balance achieved between the one who follows those rules and the one who administers the rules. If either partner in the transaction fails to focus, fails to attend, then it seems to me that the structure cannot stand.


I always say that I live with, and attempt to live up to, expectations, rather than rules. I don't have rules about what I wear, or where I sit, or how I speak, or where I can go, or... I don't know why, but those are simply things that do not seem to be important to Master, and so He doesn't engage in making rules about them. Remember that administering rules requires attention and focus. When it comes to expectations, however, there are definitely a host of those. He expects to live comfortably, and He expects that T and I will do what it takes to make that a reality. In practice, that means that there are clean clothes when and where He expects to find them, there is food prepared for Him when and how He wants it, His needs for medictions and health-related care is taken care of without Him having to invest energy in any of it. He expects to be spoken to in a particular fashion, and He expects to be treated with specific and unfailing respect and affection. Surely, too, He expects to be able to play sadomasochistically when He wants to, and He expects that His sexual pleasure will be taken care of.


Most of that is unspoken between us. I have learned, over time, what He wants and needs, and tending to all of that has become a part of my regular routine. T is the same way, and she and I are really good partners. I'd imagine that a casual observer would look at the things I do and see very little distinction between my behavior in this relationship and that of most good wives. If that is the case, then that's just fine. I'm not here to argue the point.


So, morningstar, my dear friend, I want you to quit putting me up on the pedestal when it comes to remembering and following rules. That bit of self-criticism can be crossed of your list. I have no real idea how I would do with a whole list of detailed rules. Perhaps I'd accommodate that "gracefully," but there is no way to be sure. One other thing that I think you may want to re-think, my friend, with regard to this notion of rules is this -- you seem convinced that your Sir shouldn't have to invest any energy in reinforcing rules. I disagree. Rules need to be reinforced and upheld and attended to by the one who takes on the authority position. That IS the responsibility of your Sir and any other Dominant or Master who believes in the importance of rules within the power dynamic. It is as simple as this: rules which you are not willing to enforce are not really rules, and you have no reason to expect anyone to follow them.


swan






8 comments:

  1. I don't "know" morningstar or her story but I do know what it's like to feel lost and less competent than other subs; I have felt that many times.

    I wish, as subs, we all wouldn't compare ourselves to each other so much; everyone's relationship is unique and nobody knows except the couple what exactly goes on and what is said or meant. Writing about it only shows one aspect and that's pretty one-sided and one-dimensional.

    I hope they work it out.

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  2. In losing/changing some of my "rules" (and perhaps gaining more of what you speak of - goals of meeting his expectations) I've done a lot of thinking, and a lot of comparing too... Me to past versions of me... Me to future visions of me... Me to other submissive people... Me to other slaves...

    In short... Thank you for this post. You write so beautifully, swan.

    And thanks too, to Amber, for her comment.

    My thoughts are with morningstar as well. Hoping she finds her peace.

    ~Chloe

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  3. swan, when d. and I were in a D/s dynamic, like your dynamic, there were not "rules" per se. Unfortunately or realistically, I guess, I'm not "good" at rules ... grins, I'm more likely to challenge them when someone tries to force something on me. But there were expectations, there were certain thinsg that, well, just were done (or were supposed to be) -

    as you say, clean clothes, I made his lunch, gym clothes, fresh coffee beans, fill up his vitamins every Monday, fellate him every morning and every night - just 'stuff' - a lot of it is just the RELATIONSHIP - i mean i still make his lunch and fill his vitamins - some have fallen by the wayside with the change (no more morning and evening blow jobs) - but ultimately it is the give and take of a realtionship -

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  4. Impish19:51 AM

    I'm not in a D/s relationship so I can't speak to that but I have in different points in my life been unhappy so I think I can speak to that. When we are unhappy, and when something important to us is not going well, it's human nature to look to blame ourselves for the difficulties. We are the only ones we can change, and I know for me, because of my family of origin, a lower self esteem will come charging back if I don't guard against it with some vigilance when relationship difficulties occur. I don't post on blogs which require email addresses because I don't have a private one, but I hope you don't mind Swan if I send Morningstar a bit of faith that she has what she needs to get her where she wants to go.

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  5. Anonymous11:21 AM

    I do have a set of rules, but Master rarely asks me about my compliance. I do follow MOST of them to the letter, but I also have taken liberty with some. (such as the online time rule!)

    I agree that if rules are foundational, the one making the rules must do his part to enforce them; if they are of that much importance to him and the relationship.

    Master does not enforce my rules. I know they are important, but they are more for me than for him. And they are not what our relationship is built upon. They are designed to keep me happy, and healthy, and continually thriving.

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  6. Amber -- your point about the tendency to compare ourselves to others is well taken. I do it, even as I know it is almost never helpful or productive, and I know I am not the only one. It is one of the conundrums of this particular sort of interaction... we gain companions on our individual journeys but we also can come face to face with the variances in our respective practices. When we begin to measure ourselves against criteria that are not intrinsic to our own relationships, that can cause a great deal of trouble and distress.

    Chloe -- there is no one true way to do this. Every power-based relationship finds its own way, taking bits and pieces from the wealth of possibilities and forging something unique to the parties involved. You and Antonio are evolving according to His vision, and that change requires effort and some level of trust and faith in one another. My hope, for us all, is that we find a way to transform the kind of looking which leads to comparing into a sort of seeing that leads to deeper richness in our own lives.

    Impish -- thank you for adding to this conversation the idea that being unhappy within a relationship can cause us to turn inward and take on the mantle of total responsibility, regardless of whether or not that mantle is well deserved. I am quite certain that morningstar and her Sir would be happy for your kind wishes and the gift of your energies as they struggle through this time.

    swan

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  7. swan,
    I think you made a very important point when you stated that a rule-based relationship requires "... that it must be a two-person endeavor." That was exactly my thought as I read morningstar's post. Having rules to follow implies that there are delineated consequences for not following them.
    Now, I don't know morningstar outside of her blog, so I certainly can't speak to what consequences might have been outlined if she failed to follow the set rules. However, it didn't sound like she was being disciplined/punished for not following them.... I think that must be difficult -- expecting a reinforcement of what you should be doing and not getting it. Doesn't mean she was right in letting them fall by the wayside... I think she and her sir need to do a lot of communicating, taking the time to figure out what they both want/need/desire to make their relationship work -- the way *they* want/need/desire it to.

    As always, another good, thought provoking post, swan :)
    Robin

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  8. swan.......

    i read all the comments with interest... every little tidbit helps when one is looking inward..

    one thing i am struggling with is the use of words.... terms maybe?? specifically the word "rule"...... i think i like your word better.. "expectations"...

    the same way when someone misinterpreted my use of "voices in my head" i do NOT have PTSD .. but i do most certainly hear words said to me in past relationships .. shrug..

    BUT i am getting away from the point...

    When i look at the relationship you have with Raheretic .... you always seem to know what is expected... or .. better put.. you always DO what is expected ..... and i admire that.... and tend to say "when i grow up i want to be just like her"...... because you see i DO tend to make decisions on my own about these expectations..

    which is where most of our problems have stemmed from.. my doing what i think is right at the time... often times putting my own interests etc before Sir's...

    At first.. they were smallish things... like a grain of sand in your shoe.. annoying but not enough to stop and fix the problem.... it was when there was a whole mess of sand in His shoe that He stopped and decided to fix the problem.......

    ugh... perhaps i should spend some time trying to put down in words on my own blog what has been going on.... but ya see... i find it embarrassing and humiliating... and i feel as though i have been lying for months and months.... and it is very difficult to stand up tall and say "mea culpa"

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

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