"When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Just Like..."

I hope I can be forgiven for continuing to talk about the struggles of my friend, morningstar. It is just that her latest comment on my Rules post caused a flood of responses to come up in my mind, and I really feel that I need to take some time to talk my way through it all --

She wrote:

When i look at the relationship you have with Raheretic .... you always seem to know what is expected... or .. better put.. you always DO what is expected ..... and i admire that.... and tend to say "when i grow up i want to be just like her"...... because you see i DO tend to make decisions on my own about these expectations.. which is where most of our problems have stemmed from.. my doing what i think is right at the time... often times putting my own interests etc before Sir's... At first.. they were smallish things... like a grain of sand in your shoe.. annoying but not enough to stop and fix the problem.... it was when there was a whole mess of sand in His shoe that He stopped and decided to fix the problem....... ugh... perhaps i should spend some time trying to put down in words on my own blog what has been going on.... but ya see... i find it embarrassing and humiliating... and i feel as though i have been lying for months and months.... and it is very difficult to stand up tall and say "mea culpa"

My first and strongest reaction to all of this, but especially the "you always DO what is expected" piece, was an immediate denial and disclaimer. In my head, there was an insistent voice that kept repeating the question, "Doesn't she know; doesn't EVERYONE know, how often and how colossally I screw up?" I imagine that I am not the only person who is gifted with that particular voice. I could be wrong, but I think that there are many of us who just KNOW that we are not nearly as good at this as people think we are. I am pretty sure that there is a (largely unacknowledged and unexamined) part of my psyche that believes that I have fooled everyone; am nowhere near as good or wise or submissive or strong or whatever, as everyone thinks I am; and that it is all balanced precariously just waiting to tumble into a heap when somebody catches on and blows the whistle on me.

There is a benefit, I suppose, to being possessed of an appropriately critical and honest internal monitor that reminds us that we are far from perfect; that we have plenty of room for growth and improvement. Humility is a good thing -- especially in a person who follows the path of slavery or submission. That "voice" can assist us in our continued work to learn to live and serve with joy and integrity, with grace and dignity.

Unfortunately, many of us, myself included, have internal monitors that are prone to take on the voice of those from our past that hurt and damaged us. Where we suffer from poor self-image, and a hobbled self-esteem, the hyper-critical internal monitor can tell us that we have failed; that we are stupid; that we are ugly and lazy. The voice that should guide and strengthen us becomes predatory and ravenous and destructive.

I have been lucky. Master has consistently refused to allow me to succumb to self-talk that denigrates the worth of His property. Some of the most difficult and impactful discipline that I have ever been subjected to has come as a direct response to instances when I have fallen into that abyss. Over time, I believe that the volume has been turned down on those voices from my past. These days, I am much more tuned into His evaluation of my worth, and much less inclined to react and respond based on hurts and disappointments from the past.

All of that allows me to focus more consistently and clearly on living up to His expectations. There is less "noise" to cope with. Of course, the drawback, from my perspective, is that I don't have that as a line of escape anymore. Because, the truth is that, when I was still moored in the muck of self-doubt and self-blame, I could retreat to that and use it as a shield -- "See, You can't be mad at me for my failings, Sir... I am too broken and stupid and worthless for you to be able to expect anything more." Yup. Sometimes being powerless is a powerful thing.

Being hurt and being wounded and being broken keeps us focused on ourselves. If I intend to serve Him, I need to focus on Him. I need to listen to Him. I need to attend to Him. I need to continually check to see if my thinking and my acting in the world are aligned with His. That is the key to living up to His expectations. I don't have a whole lot of rules or guidelines, and I do have a whole lot of personal leeway as to how I conduct myself in the world. I leave each morning and go off to work, and what I do in that context is entirely up to me. Some might look at all that "freedom," and declare that I am, in fact, not a "true" slave. If that is your view, I understand. For me however, over time, I've acquired an internal touchpoint that allows me to continually check my actions and choices against my perceptions of what Master would want, or what Master would do. I am almost never "on my own." He is at the center of everything that happens in my world. That becomes the compass that guides me through my days.

Writing here has helped me with all of that. Putting my worries and my wonderings and my confusions here, along with my joys and my successes helps me keep it all sorted out. Having the long term record of my thinking and my growth helps too. Sometimes, when things get rocky, I can come to feel that it is a waste of time, that everything I've ever written is just so much bullshit -- a giant pile of lies. Too, being exposed here is sometimes very difficult... readers in this place have seen me soar, but also crash in flames. It doesn't matter. This was His idea in the beginning. It remains His directive that I write here. There are no hard and fast requirements as to how often I should write, and He doesn't usually direct the subject of my discussions. However, on those occasions when I get frustrated with the whole business and declare that I hate this blog and want to just delete the whole thing, He makes it clear to whom the place really belongs...

Too often, the assumption is that a slave has no independent thoughts, no reactions or responses to things that happen. If that does happen for some people, I have not achieved the level of accomplishment that allows me to simply say, "Yes, Sir," without any reaction. There are times when Master's take on things seems just ridiculous to me, or mean, or flat stupid. That's when, if you could peer into my shower, you would find me in there with the water running full force, muttering and sputtering and shaking my fist at the unfairness of it all. Thank goodness for indoor plumbing and running water. That shower saves my ass -- literally.

So, no. Far, far from perfect. Better than I was seven years ago, I hope. Better, day to day, as I learn and grow and mature. It is embarrassing to admit to the failings, to have the flaws and broken places be seen. But the broken places are mine too, and so they are His. I am not a "finished" piece of work. Our relationship is not done -- we are still growing; still pursuing the dream we share. I hope there are things that I share that help others as they walk their own paths. If that can happen, and most believe that I've done that with some integrity, then it will be good enough for me, and hopefully, good enough for Master.

swan