In just about 64 hours, I'll load my things in the car and head for the airport. I'm flying to Denver on Thursday afternoon for a five day visit with my kids and new grandson.
I am thrilled and excited. Simultaneously I am frightened and sad. I can't wait to get to that baby, and I am so looking forward to spending some real time with my son and daughter and daughter-in-law. But, doing all of that means being away from home and being away from Master and T. They can't go with me. They used up all their "time off" after the surgery. So, I'll make this trip by myself.
He's given me positive support for making this trip. He's been clear that He really wants me to go see my grandchild. There is something about being the age we all are -- the advent of a grandchild is an event that we all understand. So, there isn't any dissonance that is being generated by His reactions or responses to my traveling.
But that dissonance still echoes in my mind and my heart. Being away for this long feels really extreme, and I feel very wobbly about being on my own all that time. He'll be here with T, and she'll take good care of Him, but I still fuss... about His lunches, and the C-pap, and His pills and calcium, and His breakfast, and...
Ohhhhhh... It is just one of those places where the reality of the choices that brought me here comes back to be faced once again. I am a very long way from the place I once called home. The children I bore are adults with their own lives, and those lives are being lived in the place that I left behind. This grandchild will grow up, mostly, out of my sight and out of my reach. This trip will satisfy the immediate longing to touch him and look into his baby eyes and breathe in his baby scent, but I have no illusions that he'll grow up knowing who I am. The distance is too great. I'll make this trip, looking forward and looking back at the same time, and then I'll come home to Master and to T, and try and pick my life back up again. Surely 5 days isn't too long... I hope.
swan
Sue - have a wonderful time with your other family, and don't fret about Tom. This is one of those times where having two wives comes in handy :-)
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Hermione
I really feel for you; I can't imagine being away from Dan that long and you guys have just gotten over some scary medical stuff, too. But I know how much you want to see your grandchild, so...you'll have the joy of that to help you get through those 5 days.
ReplyDeleteThen coming home will be fabulous.
Enjoy your trip and seeing your kids and new little one! :)
Oh, you! Had me melting with sympathy and concern - then, 5 days! Friendly nudge, smack! That's just enough time for them to start missing you enough to truly appreciate your golden worth! You'll be lonely at night of course, but remember you'll be cavorting with another man - and with Master's permission no less! You deserve this, you've worked for it, now you go out there and enjoy it! Don't you dare waste it when you have the whole summer ahead to indulge the clan at home. There are ways to stay in touch with that young man from far away,and I'm sure you'll be great at them. He just has to grow a bit first. Have a wonderful time - can't wait to hear what he's like!
ReplyDeleteThis has been such a strange and unsettling time for you all that I'm sure that has a lot to do with how you're feeling. I'm sure the time will pass quicker than you can imagine, and it will be wonderful to have all those cuddles with your grandson.
ReplyDeletehope the box of cyber hugs I sent has arrived...if not.. here's some more!
love and hugs xxx
Hey there swan, I just wanted to pipe up and share something with you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a young child, I only got to see my grandparents once a year at TG when we'd also have Christmas. We got birthdays at that point too. It wasn't what I'd have liked and when I got older and was able to live near them, I sure enjoyed that more.
But the fact is, I looked forward to seeing them. they were a bright point in my life. I associated them with fun, with joy, with seeing my parents laughing and cooking and talking. I associated them with my parents relaxing together as a couple too, because my grandparents always made sure they got one night out as a couple alone while they were there for that week. I associated them with games and silliness and it was a huge holiday with food and candles and all the good things that grandparents can bring into your life.
Yes. You are right...you are too far away to be the every day kind of grandparent...but who you are can have a big impact on them. You won't just be a toy.
I learned to love the land, to appreciate roses and to look at the land as a resource to take care of, not to plunder from my grandfather. From my grandmother, I learned to be dirty instead of being a prissy girly girl. I learned to cook and sew and to clean. I learned about the history of my family from her...many things really.
Have no fear...so long as you make it there regularly and you make traditions with them, there will be memories cemented in them for a life time.
((hugs))