Manipulation in Relationship

One of the things that is a rock solid reality in my world is that Master is utterly and absolutely immune to manipulation. He is so completely and solidly Dominant, that He easily and summarily ends any move on my part to try to control our dynamic or influence His choices. It's not that I haven't tried it on occasion -- I do have some pretty extreme control issues and that behavior does sometimes rear its ugly head. The thing is that He catches it very quickly and stomps it out before I get very far. As annoying as I find that when it happens, I think it works well in terms of keeping our relationship on track...

Because allowing another person to manipulate you requires that you have to collude with their desire to control your feelings, motives, and thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. Manipulation is all about advancing your own goals at the expense of the person being manipulated. With time, it stands to reason that this kind of relationship is going to become troubled. I feel lucky, when I am in my right mind, to belong to a Man who won't succumb to my efforts to undermine His power and ability to choose. He' very effective and efficient in finding ways to stand up to manipulation and bring "balance" back into our relationship.

Manipulation uses covert agendas to try to coerce another person into giving in. Usually, I get into manipulative behavior when something has triggered my fears and insecurities (like the potential for Him to become engaged with other partners). Because, under those circumstances, I am in a place that is emotionally fragile and unhealthy, the choices I make in terms of my life within our relationship aren't generally good ones. I can get very scared and then I act like a crazy person. The good news, for me, is that manipulation really can't occur in a vacuum. It takes two people to make manipulation possible in a relationship, and without a partner willing to be vulnerable, there is simply nowhere for it to go here.

Commonly, those who are susceptible to manipulation exhibit some shared characteristics:

• They have a sense of self-worth that is tied up in doing things for other people -- often at the expense of their own well-being.
• They need to have the approval and acceptatnce of other people.
• They are afraid of expressing negative emotions, and avoid showing anger or engaging in conflicts.
• They are reluctant to say, "no," and they allow others to challenge their limits.
• They lack a clear sense of their own values, and are sure of their own judgement.

So, on all counts, with Master, there is absolutely zero availability for manipulative tactics like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling, pouting, or sulking. He is sure and secure and solid, and while He's happy if I am happy, He doesn't need to have that be the reality for His own sense of well-being. He is completely immune to all of that manipulative nonsense, and if I start to wind up to play those games with Him, it usually doesn't take long before He'll call me on it -- in no uncertain terms. That is a very good thing for both of us. Because, although I may attempt, for whatever reason, to sometimes gain the upper hand with Him, I really need to know that He is in control -- in control of Himself, and in control of me.

Over the years, I've had the opportunity to observe a good number of people in relationships, both kinky and more mainstream, and I've seen plenty of partners fall victim to the damage that can be done when one partner can "push the other one around." It is one of the most insidious kinds of "power exchange." I've watched friends and acquaintances ride the manipulation roller coaster, and it is emotionally exhausting -- one day up and the next day despairing. Sometimes, I think that is the payback for people engaged in this kind of relating: the sheer adrenaline rush of careening between those high highs and low lows. It can bring a sort of never-ending high drama to life, and for some, that seems to be precisely what is wanted.

For me, tonight, far from home, it seems very clear that I am happiest when there is minimal drama; when life is steady; when I know where my boundaries are. Manipulation is a lot of work for only negative outcomes. I am truly grateful to have come into the orbit of One who sees me when I start to wander into that wilderness, and drags me back into a wiser and calmer place.

swan