Mating Dance

He and I have seen our BDSM relationship change over the years.  We've both noted that the heat that was so characteristic of our early years together has cooled as we've passed from crisis to crisis and challenge to challenge.  Surely, there were major changes following my hysterectomy, but just as surely, the various health hurdles He's had to face have taken their toll.  Over time, I have been less and less willing -- less and less able (I'm not really sure which it is to tell the truth) to engage in the same level of high end sadomasochistic play as we once enjoyed as a regular thing.  More and more, as I felt hurt and abused rather than turned on and thrilled by our play, He responded, lovingly, by scaling back, going easy, acting more in the role of service top.  The fires of His sadistic urges were banked and burned lower and lower.

Then we put ourselves through the role reversal of disciplinary switching, and things seemed to skid to a complete and total halt.  His interest levels fell to nothing.  Through these last weeks, He's been glad to snuggle, He's been very verbally affirming and loving.  He's been happy to make love, and I suspect that we engage with one another sexually on a much more regular basis than many people who are nowhere near our ages.  He just has not felt particularly Dominant, and has been relatively disinterested in spanking. 

The really ironic thing about that circumstance has been that I have just begun to experience a sexual renaissance.  My libido has risen, phoenix-like, from the ashes, and while I have no explanation for that, I am thrilled.  The new incarnation of my sexual self seems (to me) to be almost entirely wrapped up in sadomasochism, and I find that regular vanilla sex, while pleasant enough, holds very little potential to excite me.  For me, in these days, sex and SM play are equivalents -- one and the same. NOW I've got longings.  NOW I've got imaginings.  NOW I've got fantasies galore.  Figures. 

And that is where things have stood.  I've felt sad about it.  I've figured it was my doing.  I have heard my mother's mean and nasty voice in my mind -- "You made your bed, now lie in it!"  I've told myself that aging is an unavoidable reality, and there is nothing to be done about it. 

Then, today, things shifted suddenly.  Today, He's been after me, in hot pursuit, wanting to take me where we haven't gone together in years and years.  Not service toppy, but full on sadistic Dominance.  He's suddenly come roaring up out of whatever slough of despond had Him mired down, and the whole world seems different.  NOW my longings, my fantasies, and my imaginings are matched by His wants, fantasies, and desires.  We are locked in a mating dance.

I am nervous.
He thinks that is cute.
I am filled with doubts and performance anxiety.
He finds that exciting.
I want with a breathlessness that seems more like 15 than 55 years.
He wants with an intensity that belies His years. 


We are locked in a mating dance.

We need time.  We need opportunity.  We need hours to be with one another.  That will come.  We are locked in a mating dance.

swan