Where We Are Now In My voice

Last night swan put up a (very well written, as her posts always are) synopsis of where we are as we embark this weekend on my drinking limitedly again after a month of abstaining from alcohol, and studying moderation management techniques that have worked for many others in finding balance between drinking alcohol and health. Her post, "Where We Are Now," is immediately following this one, and describes her version of our present reality.

I had intended to post this as a comment following swan's post. Unfortunately blogger will not allow me to post a comment as lengthy as this one. (I know.............imagine that............me being wordy......go figure!)

So, I will post it here, so that I can have a record of it to look back on, and so that you might see it if you find it worth investing your time and energy to read. Thank you again, one and all, who have posted supportive comments and helped us through all this.

HERE IT IS:

As I have passed through the past month of abstaining from drinking alcohol, I have returned to membership in a rather large (several thousands of members) on line community of people called Moderation Management (MM). It is a community which supports people in learning to drink moderately and responsibly through a LISTSERV, an online forum, a network of face to face support groups, a central office of dedicated professionals, and a book, "Responsible Drinking," which serves as a handbook for problem drinkers/alcoholics seeking abstinence or moderate, responsible drinking. I have worked with them twice before over the years. It seems to me that each time I come back to MM, I learn more and progress further on the path to finding a balance between drinking and being healthy. What follows is something I wrote back to a comment from a MM psychologist named Reid. Reid had responded last night to a post I put up a couple of days ago on the MM Forum. He was suggesting that I consider getting counseling, I think due to the many concomitant life transitions that have befallen me over the last year and a half, and also feeling uninformed about the dynamics of alcohol management in the aftermath of Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery.
I thought it might be of interest as part of this discussion here, in that it reflects how I am feeling and thinking as we embark on this new phase of my relationship to alcohol, and my new life in general. As you look at this, you might want a lexicon of MM jargon:

MM=Moderation Management,
ABS=abstinence from drinking alcohol,
ABSing=abstaining from drinking alcohol.

Reid, thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote here, and for getting back to me. I am, in fact, doing better than when I wrote this post a couple of days ago. I/ we have decided to begin moderate drinking for me this coming weekend. At that point I will have completed a 31 day ABS, have a specific plan, have my family engaged in supporting me, and I am determined to do this. I will either do this and succeed, or if I find I am returning to where I was, I will quit drinking alcohol altogether. I don't want to go back to where I was, and I have invested way too much in majorly recovering my health to sacrifice it over whisky and wine, no matter what a lifelong dearly endearing friendship my alcohol and I have had. I am very much hoping, as is my family, that I/we will be able to now, very intentionally, employ rational and responsible drinking as an enhancement of my life.
I certainly have considered counseling. I underwent counseling at a couple of points earlier in my life, not the least of which was during my own graduate school education in Rehabilitation Counseling. Unfortunately, finding competent sources of counseling/psychotherapy is quite difficult because of the uniqueness of my life. The "shrink finder" from MM produces the nearest moderation friendly counselor at Bowling Green State University. I am quite familiar with BGSU. It is my Alma mater for both my undergraduate and Masters degrees. It is also a 4 hour drive from my home in Cincinnati. However, to make it even more challenging to locate a practitioner, in general, most experiences people from the polyamory/BDSM community have seeking counseling are unsatisfactory. Generally, they encounter therapists who leap to believing that their intentional family structure, or their sensual/erotic orientation are "pathological" (despite the prescriptions of the DSM to the contrary), or who want to become educated about these unique lifestyle permutations, and thus they find themselves paying a hefty hourly fee for the privilege of furthering the professional development of their "therapist." It happens that the major advocacy and lifestyle community for the poly/Ds community, National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), has a Kink Aware Professionals linking service much like the Moderation Friendly Counselor linking service here at MM. Unfortunately NCSF, like MM, has few counselor options in Ohio and, of course, none that overlap in the two unique areas of practice.
If you are interested in investing anymore attention to where I am, and we are, at this point, my partner swan, put up the most recent post on our Blog ()describing where we are and linking current readers to previous posts detailing our journey over the last two months getting here.
I am finding that refreshing myself regarding the tools MM provides us in moderating very helpful. The MM LISTSERV itself is very different than when I was here last. I can plainly see how it has been influenced by the new quick hitting expression style which Twitter and Facebook have made so prominent in our Internet lives. I must admit I am not at all reinforced by all the "onsies," "twosies," "TAME," "Gold Star," "trike," references, and the cheerleader like "atta-boys" that appears to be what primarily goes on there now, but this morning's posts about the "MM tool box" were very helpful to review and refresh my understanding. I think I am going to purchase a new copy of "Responsible Drinking", having given away my copy from a few years ago.
Since I have decided to move forward this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to permit myself to drink moderately and responsibly followed by four days of ABS, I am feeling remarkably peaceful. I am no longer feeling at all deprived in my present ABS. In fact for the first time I am finding I am actually feeling good about ABS-ing, as well as, myself in this process, and my family's role in all this. I am even questioning if I really want to drink again...........although not entirely. I want to have Italian food and red wine again. I want to have red wine and really good cheese again. I want to have some bourbon this weekend while listening to the new blues album we have just gotten.
On the other hand, I am feeling so much more healthy than when I stopped drinking a month ago. I don't want to go back to how I felt living in a continual haze. I don't want to become disconnected from my swan and t (my two loves) every night after a "chemical check out." I don't want to go back to awakening feeling ill. Not only do I not want these things. I will not tolerate them.
So I/we are on the verge of a great experiment. We are going to give this a go and be very attentive to noting how I perform, and feel, in comparison and contrast to where I am today. I am hoping my three days "on" drinking (limitedly) followed by 4 days ABS, plan will work for us. If, however, I cannot do this successfully in a way that enhances our lives, then we have learned over the last month that life can go on without alcohol, and perhaps I could even learn to enjoy that lifestyle too.
Thank you again for paying some attention to my stuff here.
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.