In the post just previous to this, swan recounted her uneasiness in our relationship's evolution to a more fully developed and perhaps more egalitarian D/s. She was feeling unsure and potentially destabilized by changes she perceived to be coming. In her insecurity she was having imaginings of implications of these changes that had her frankly frightened that she would no longer be able to base her life trusting in our power exchange. She was imagining we were about to become entirely equal she and I in our relationship. She was catastrophizing relationship dynamics that fortunately don't exist between us. I have in the meantime explained my perception of where we are in our relatedness with her, and since I am still Master that perception is of course what in fact matters:) Oh yes, and, BTW too, I have clarified to her in no uncertain terms that she of course continues to wear her collar, as she has, if not more.
We don't live to adhere to a model of some BDSM archetypal paradigm. Rather we live our lives and adjust the language we use to describe ourselves to fit our reality. We are not BDSM, but BDSM is (to a great degree) us. I know this sounds like double talk but it is an important distinction, at least to us.
So what this means is that we are still very much Master and slave, i. e., M/s. I am not likely to ever reverse my essential nature to innately be in control and to lead. It may sound like a gift to some. There are times it is. There also have been times it has been a curse. I am however in my control of our relationship finding myself wanting to explore sharing some of the control. That finds its way into our SM expression in my wanting to explore switching. In all these developments I am being quite intentional and they are occurring at my direction not because of some sort of acquiescence. If I demand you spank me I have not lost control. I have gained a fuller sado- masochistic experience. It also doesn't mean that I am no longer a sadist or Dominant. I am, in fact ,(surprise...surprise:) sado-masochistic:)
None of these dynamics evolve for us unless I decide for them to and I could just as immediately withdraw or alter them should that seem pleasing or appropriate to me.
So those who are feeling, as I have seen written, that somehow our relationship's evolution is evidence that there can be no 24/7 M/s power exchange really aren't "getting it," at least in terms of how we perceive and feel about our relationship's definition. We haven't altered our relationship. We have evolved over the years and have altered somewhat our language in describing who and what we are to each other.
I would be remiss too, after all the time and attention that has been paid here to my drinking, if I did not update where that stands. I am drinking again, and quite happily so. I have wine with dinner. I have Kahlua in my coffee. swan who was abstaining in concert with me, is now feeling free to have the occasional Dos Equis. My drinking is much more moderate and I am enjoying the taste and the experience. I am drinking much less than when I quit in early September. Moreover I am not getting drunk. I am surprised and pleased that despite my surgically altered physiology, I am having no trouble with becoming uncontrollably inebriated, or inebriated at all for that matter. I had feared we would not get to this point. That I would not be able to. I am pleased and relaxed, happier, and much more healthy. We all are. I had feared my medical team had misinformed me when they said it was possible to drink with care after this surgery. Just as I had to learn to eat very differently than ever before after my surgery, I have had to learn to drink very differently and, at this point, my new regimen is working very well.
So now at about eight and a half years into our living together as a polyamorous triad D/s family, at the age of 61 in my case, I am finding us to be very much healthier and happier than we have been together.
We have just learned today that despite t's mom's Doctor's requesting that we get advanced directives in place regarding whether or not we would want her to be placed on a ventilator if that were the only way she might survive (we don't), he does not feel it is time for her to engage hospice services. That has us feeling very comforted that we may have her for a while yet. We are very much relieved and bolstered especially with the Holidays drawing near.
Our next major hurdle is that t is planning to have a total knee replacement surgery in mid-November: something very necessary, but not without risk or major discomfort in the near term. swan and I are determined to see her through that with caring, love, advocacy, and strength so that we can have her more fully functioning, and without pain in her knee, by next spring.
Thank you so much for the caring support input and friendship so many have extended to us here as we have had our last passage into this new phase of our life and love.
All the best,
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.