Unmoderated Comments

"Man is least in himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

~~Oscar Wilde~~

We have, from the very earliest days of our foray into blogging at The Swan's Heart, had a more or less continual string of comments made by some unknown numbers of "anonymous" writers. Our anonymous commenters have not been as ubiquitous as on some other sites, and there are periods of time when we are not visited at all by the faceless ones. They always come back around, however.

The most predictable and unchanging thing about people who leave anonymous comments is that they don't ever stop by to tell us how much they appreciate our writing; they don't ever offer encouragement; they never ask any question that is driven purely by straightforward curiosity and a desire to know and understand more deeply; they never seem to want to engage as one human to another.

With a notable lack of originality, our anonymous commenter(s) seem to keep beating the same argumentative drum. Imagine the snotty, mean-spirited voice that I hear in my mind whenever I read this kind of message left in comments here:

you are all ... sick, perverse, crazy, wrong, bad, immoral, delusional, stupid, foolhardy, sinful, damned to hell, scary, liars, ...

On and on it goes, and there never is any indication of what it is that drives such anger and bitterness. The truth is that we've never done anything to the anonymous denizens of the cybersphere. We don't go out into the byways of cyberspace and DRAG people in here, and we surely don't preach or politic to try and impose our lifestyle choices on those who would prefer to run their lives on some other model. The anonymous ones come here of their own accord, by their own volitional choice, and they stay long enough to read and poke at the comment option and write their vitriol and navigate the intricacies of the captcha beastie -- all to leave some bit of nastiness to bemuse us. How very odd!

I have come to believe that the anonymous ones betray the truth of their own lives. It is their own frustration and bitterness that makes it so impossible for them to tolerate the choices we have made to "live the life we've imagined." To someone who feels trapped in a relationship that is lifeless, loveless, hopeless seeing people live as we do must be terribly painful. For someone who lacks the courage to reach out and grasp the dreams they are afraid to acknowledge, our very existence must feel like a slap. Their anger is about desolation and despair and depression and doubt. The darkness within which they dwell is palpable in the words they leave scattered here.

How pitiable these poor faceless grumblers seem. I wonder if ranting here, every now and then, gives them some sort of peace. If so, it is reason enough to keep the comments here unmoderated.

swan

It Had to Start Somewhere

Here's an article about the incipient movement to push for equal marriage rights for multi-partnered relationships, specifically "triads." Although I'd take issue with some of the, to my mind, narrow definitions that are layed on the term, especially be Sasha Lessin and Janet Kira Lessin, I am still pleased to see that this issue is being discussed.

swan


From "THREESOME MARRIAGES" by Abby Ellin:

The Daily Beast

First came traditional marriage. Then, gay marriage. Now, there's a movement combining both—simultaneously. Abby Ellin visits the next frontier of nuptials: the "triad."
Less than 18 months ago, Sasha Lessin and Janet Kira Lessin gathered before their friends near their home in Maui, and proclaimed their love for one another. Nothing unusual about that—Sasha, 68, and Janet, 55—were legally married in 2000. Rather, this public commitment ceremony was designed to also bind them to Shivaya, their new 60-something "husband." Says Sasha: “I want to walk down the street hand in hand in hand in hand and live together openly and proclaim our relationship. But also to have all those survivor and visitation rights and tax breaks and everything like that.”
Maine this week became the fifth state, and the fourth in New England, to legalize gay marriage, provoking yet another national debate about same-sex unions. The Lessins' advocacy group, the Maui-based World Polyamory Association, is pushing for the next frontier of less-traditional codified relationships. This community has even come up with a name for what the rest of the world generally would call a committed threesome: the "triad."
Unlike open marriages and the swinger days of the 1960s and 1970s, these unions are not about sex with multiple outside partners. Nor are they relationships where one person is involved with two others, who are not involved with each other, a la actress Tilda Swinton. That's closer to bigamy. Instead, triads—"triangular triads," to use precise polyamorous jargon—demand that all three parties have full relationships, including sexual, with each other. In the Lessins case, that can be varying pairs but, as Sasha, a psychologist, puts it, "Janet loves it when she gets a double decker." In a triad, there would be no doubt in Elizabeth Edwards’ mind whether her husband fathered a baby out of wedlock; she likely would have participated in it.
There are no statistics or studies out there, but according to Robyn Trask, the executive director of Loving More, a nonprofit organization in Loveland (yes, really), Colorado, dedicated to poly-education and support, about 25 percent of the estimated 50,000 self-identified polyamorists in the U.S. live together in semi-wedded bliss. A disproportionate number of them are baby boomers.
As with a couple, the key to making a triad work is communication. The Lessins' group specifically advocates something called "compersion": taking joy in another person's joy. Thus, they know how to process jealousy. “We don’t have anything take place off-stage,” says Sasha Lessin. “You witness your lover making googly eyes and you share your feelings. It’s not difficult for most people to be compersive once they feel they’re not being abandoned.”
Like most people in the poly community, the Lessins, who also helm the school of tantra (they take pleasure of the flesh quite seriously), take great pains to discuss pretty much everything. Some people even write up their agreements like a traditional prenup, detailing everything from communal economics to cohabitation rules. And buoyed by an increasing acceptance of same-sex unions, others want more legal protections. "We should have every right to inherit from each other and visit each other—I don’t care what you call it, we’re not second-class citizens!” says Janet Lessin. “Any people who wish to form a marriage with all the rights and duties of a marriage should have the legal right to. The spurious arguments of marriage being for procreation of children is ridiculous.”
That said, Valerie White, executive director of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, a legal-defense fund for people with alternative sexual expression in Sharon, Massachusetts, says she believes that triads are actually a great way to raise a family. "Years ago, children didn’t get raised in dyads, they got raised with grandparents and aunts and uncles—it was much looser and more village-like," says White. "I think a lot more people are finding that polyamory is a way to recapture that kind of support.” For a year, Loving More's Trask and her then-husband were both involved with another woman, who was a part of the family. Trask's three children knew all about it. “I’m totally out,” says Trask.
Many others aren't. Larry, Rachel and Andie would only talk to me anonymously, due to the fact that Rachel, 47, works at large, traditional financial institution in Manhattan. Larry, 56, met her on a commuter ferry two years ago. At the time, Larry was a member of Poly-NYC, a polyamory group in New York; on their first date, he told her about it. Rachel had just gotten out of a year-and-a-half-long relationship with, unbeknownst to her, a married man. “I was so overwhelmed with Larry’s honesty," she says, "I said to him, ‘I need to look that up and understand it.'"
A few months later, they met Andie, 56 at a poly retreat in upstate New York. Andie has been has practiced "multi-partnering" since the early '90s, and was giving a talk on the subject. Rachel turned to Larry and said ‘Wow, that’s someone I would turn poly for!’ “She was so elegant and classy. I just felt she was a beautiful person.”
While Larry, on the other hand, was not especially attracted to Andie, he was fully supportive of Rachel exploring her attraction. She didn’t, but ran into Andie at a few other events. Andie, in turn, began noticing the quality of the relationship between Larry and Rachel. “They didn’t just go to those meetings and do what happens to other poly partners, that they disappear from each other,” she says. “They stayed together.”
Three months ago, they reconnected at yet another retreat, and this time the three bonded on an emotional level. So they decided to figure out how to make a three-way relationship work. This involves weekly conference calls where they discuss the tenets of the relationship (honestly, respect, communication, jealousy) and agree to undergo blood tests for STDs. They talk about what they want out of life, and each other. “There are people who’ve been married 20 years and never had these kinds of conversation,” says Andie. “I feel blessed.”
Akien MacIain and his wife, Dawn Davidson, have been counseling dyads, triads, quads and once even a quint, in San Francisco for over a decade. On their Web site, they offer tips for creating agreements—among them, “Use Time Limited Agreements Where Needed” (i.e., two weeks, two months, and so on) and “Check in Periodically; Renegotiate if Needed.”
“A triad is a series of dyads, but it’s more complicated because if I’m in a relationship with one other person, there’s my relationship with the other person, her relationship with me, and the relationship that each of us has to the couple,” says MacIain. “When you make it a triad there are four factorial connections. It’s very hard.”
And yet some make it work. Doug Carr, Robert Hill, and Paul Wilson have been a happy threesome for 29 years. The three men, who live outside Austin, Texas, share a bed, a checking account, and joint real-estate properties in each of their names—“a left-handed form of cementing the relationship in a legal context,” says Hill, 69, a retired financier (because of their arrangement, they, too, requested I use pseudonyms). Their ranch is split three ways; they call themselves “husbands” and wear matching wedding bands. Back in 1980, when they met at a furniture store in Dallas, Hill and Wilson were a confirmed dyad for 10 years. Carr, now an assistant dean at a local college, fell for both of them; they developed a friendship, which soon turned to love.
Wilson, 61, a consulting engineer for the health-care community, admits that initially he was less gung ho. “I thought, how is this going to turn out? You can’t read an article in Readers Digest, ‘Twelve Ways to make a Triad Work.’" He finally saw the light on a trip to Vienna the three men took. “I decided to go for it. I turned to them and said, ‘I love you,’ and I love you,’ and let’s make it work.”
They held a commitment ceremony in 1984 for 20 friends, and then a reception for 200 in their house, where we “introduced ourselves to the world as a triad,” says Carr, 49. They would like to marry legally, though they are not holding their breath that it will happen any time soon.
“As far as we’re concerned, in the eyes of God we’re already married—and from an economic standpoint, we’ve taken that as far as we can, ” says Hill.
Despite the fact that they are also “Dad, Daddy and Pappa” to the 4-year-old quadruplets Carr sired with a lesbian couple, they actually see themselves as quite traditional. “We’ve patterned our relationship on the relationships of our parents,” says Hill. “So many gay people throw away all the values they learned at home. Some are worth throwing away, but a lot are not."
“The crux of all this,” he says, "is commitment.”

Seven Years

Master and I mark the fact that we have been together (live and in person) for seven years this summer. We don't have an "anniversary" exactly... There are two dates that we recognize as significant in our early coming together. The first is June 6, the date when I arrived here from Colorado to live. I'd left my classroom in Colorado on the very last day of school, and driven straight-through, arriving here in Cincinnati in just over 21 hours. The other date that we note each year, as it passes, is July 27 -- the date when He cut His initials into my left shoulder blade, marking me as His. Still, we do note that the years go round and that the time accumulates.

I used to always give Him BDSM-related gifts for these occasions... notably, I gave Him the singletail whip one year, and there was a very early Christmas when I purchased the stocks as a gift for Him. But then, somewhere along the way, I quit giving Him "scene-related" gifts, and began to find gifts that were way more "vanilla." I'm not sure why. I think the shift really started in the months and years following my hysterectomy -- when I battled depression, sexual dysfunction, and a deep and growling anger with Him. Easier, in those days, to not venture into the emotional minefield of inviting more intense play. I'm not sure that I actually articulated that thought pattern, but I do think it was there and at play.

But that long time of struggling seems to be behind me finally. I feel more alive and more in tune with my own sexual self. I find that, more and more, I am drawn to the kind of SM play we once shared so joyfully and with such abandon. Too, as He has lost significant weight in these weeks after His bariatric surgery, the physical experience of sex has improved dramatically. I keep telling Him that I think our surgeon guy should really have been named Dr. Longerdick :-)

So, this year, as the anniversary season approached again, I found myself contemplating what sort of gift to give Him. I wanted to find something that would speak to Him of how very much I love Him, how much I value our relationship dynamic, how lucky and grateful I feel to be His, and for all the years we've shared. I wanted something that would be a clear symbol of all we've shared to this point, and stand for all the years I hope will be ours in the future.

So, I went shopping for a really fine, really nice, really interesting paddle -- because He really likes paddles. I found this one at JT's Stockroom, and I was enchanted at the sheer loveliness of the craftsmanship. So, I went to order it and get it on its way to us. Then, just on a whim, I went to cruise their website to see if there might be any other interesting pieces that might be good to look at too, and that is when I discovered the most amazing and unique BDSM implement I've ever, ever seen. This uniquely styled, beautifully crafted cane was just almost irresistable. It is made from layers of bloodwood and wenge wood. We sure as heck, haven't got anything else in the toy collection that comes even close!

They arrived yesterday, and I gave them to Him this morning -- very early. He is enchanted, as I knew He would be, and so I expect there will be lots and lots of spanking this weekend. We already had a pretty good session late in the afternoon today when I got home from school. Both implements are entirely satisfactory. There'll be plenty more play in the days and weeks to come I imagine.

swan

Respect and Trust

There is a set of assumptions that many in the lifestyle make about how Dominants come to be "respected," and about whether it is possible/advisable to "trust" a Dominant who has somehow LOST our respect (as if it were a wayward sock). It is a thought construct that sets me off everytime I encounter it.

I see this from a (perhaps) different perspective. I think the notions of "respect" and "trust" are used far too casually within our community, and then the words are hurled around as a tool or weapon to make a point or support a position.

Some descriptions of the ways that I think these words are most aptly used:

I believe that "respect" is rightly founded on a deep awareness and appreciation of the character of a person. Being Dominant is probably a personality trait, but being a decent human being doesn't have to be. I know a lot of people, but my respect is given to very few. I reserve my respect for people who demonstrate that they are high quality. A person of character will be honest, responsible, considerate, fair, persistent, courageous, patient, self-disciplined, confident, and compassionate. None of those qualities will necessarily confer anything approaching perfection or infallibility, but they will generally result in a temperament that is steady, sure, and dependable. To tag onto a point made by my good friend, morningstar, the way to determine whether a Dominant is worthy of respect is to spend enough time to actually come to know them well.

The concept of "trust" in relationships is often misunderstood, and so the word is misused. Trust is not a commodity to be given or taken away based on how we feel in the moment, nor is it some fragile bauble that may easily be broken.

If we are both mature and wise, we may decide to trust or not to trust in very much the same way as we choose to invest our financial capital -- or not. When I make a financial investment, I do that after careful consideration. By the time I put my hard-earned dollars into an investment option, I've studied carefully, researched the alternatives, considered what level of risk I am willing to tolerate, and made a judgement about the suitability of the particular investment vehicle. Once I've decided, I'm committed. I understand that, while my investment may have ups and downs, it is seldom profitable to put my dollars in and take them out based on short term market volatility.

In the same way, when I choose to place my trust in a certain individual, it is precisely because I have done the work that allows me to know the person to whom I am making that committment. If I expect the relationship to grow and remain healthy for the long term, and if I am mature and wise, I continue to make the choice to trust regardless of the day to day ups and downs of the relationship. Assuming that I chose wisely in the beginning, that trust becomes the warp and woof of the relational tapestry; and if it is carefully and consistently done, the relationship will thrive even though the poor, flawed humans inside of it are, by definition, less than perfect.

So, to the question... The Dominant partner is worthy of respect because of the quality of their character. They may exhibit normal human weaknesses, and occasionally (or even regularly) fall short of perfect, and they remain worthy of respect. There is no way for such a person to "lose our respect" assuming their character remains intact. Engaging in relationship with such a person will require us to make the investment of our trust faithfully and steadily and diligently even when our emotions and fears and whims and wishes might tell us to do otherwise.

swan

Isn't He Just Delicious?

Meet my new grandson, Alexander (Xander)...

Isn't he just too adorable?

I cannot wait to get my hands on him!

swan

Rituals, Protocols, and Patterns

Awhile back, in response to my post about rebooting, Amber asked --

...must rebooting always be ... so completely dire ... what worked much better for me by far were the times I was quietly told to kneel, my chin held firm so I had to look up into his face and I had to meet his eyes ...

In fact, Amber has wondered on more than one occasion about the efficacy of "kneeling" for helping me to center and calm myself in the context of our dynamic. I've been mulling her comments/questions on that subject over for awhile, trying to figure out what to say because, simply put, it just isn't the way He does things.





As with just about everything in the world of BDSM practice, there are as many different variations as there are people who do what it is that we do. From the complex and formal "slave positions" of those who model their practice on the Gor novels, to those who have lengthy contracts and lists of rules, to others who ascribe to Old Guard Leather protocols, there are ceremonies and formulas to spare. Whether a person is interested in negotiating a single scene, or going off to meet a potential play partner for the first time, or considering the offer or acceptance of a collar, or establishing the limits, boundaries, and expectations of an ongoing relationship, ours is a community that puts enormous stock in the pagentry of it all. A casual read from blog to blog around our circle, and it is possible to harvest a bushel full of ideas for BDSM rituals.



But you'll read very little of that here. The reason is that it just isn't part of how we relate most of the time.



Oh, it is true that we have some pretty consistent patterns and expectations for our actual play sessions. It is the one place where I am expected, no required, to use the honorific "Sir." And it is also true, that He has a very definitive "philosophy" about the use of safe words, although as far as either of us can remember, I've never once used a safeword with Him. I've communicated to Him, occasionally, that I have had some difficulty or problem (and He's moved to resolve whatever it was), but I've never moved to end a session with a safeword.



His expectations are very simple -- He wants to be cared for and loved; to have what He wants and needs provided smoothly and without His having to cause it to happen. He wants to be treated with respect and deference. He wants a willing play partner who will submit to His sadistic drives. He is not interested in layering on rules or rituals that require the two of us to put energy into the whethers and what ifs of enforcement and continuous correction.



I'd happily kneel at His feet if He wanted that. He generally prefers me where He can snuggle me into His chest. I'd do my level best to follow any rules He wanted to put into place, but I believe He sees no value in rules for the sake of rules.



I understand that the "formalized" rituals that so many ascribe to are intended to establish a certain mental frame of mind. I understand that it may be "easier" in some ways to maintain that sense of submission with all of those routines, but He is generally not willing to invest that much energy in something which doesn't produce anything pleasurable for Him.



So, I understand the suggestion that Amber makes, and I really do appreciate the thought, but it isn't the way my world works. I can only imagine how all that "fru-fru" slavish stuff would be, but in the end, what we do is just fine for us.



swan

Joy and Happiness

If we try hard to bring happiness to others, we cannot stop it from coming to us also. To get joy, we must give it, and to keep joy, we must scatter it. --John Templeton

This is the true joy of life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clot of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the community, and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. --George Bernard Shaw

Yesterday morning (Thursday), when I arrived at school and pulled out my phone to make my usual call home to Master, I saw that He'd tried to call me while I was enroute. The phone was in my purse, and I didn't hear it ring... It isn't our normal pattern for Him to call me on my way to school, and I was a little alarmed, so I quickly called Him to ask if He was alright. His voice when He answered seemed shakey, and my fears were heightened.

Then, He told me that He'd received an email from the Master of caitlin. Some of you will remember that caitlin died last December after a long battle with a whole host of health issues. We had often talked about meeting when she and her Master traveled to our area. We'd looked forward to that for a good while, but as her health worsened, it became clearer and clearer that the meeting would never happen. Still, caitlin and I were friends.


It was a unique and interesting friendship we shared. Caitlin was a woman of great and abiding religious faith. She was a Christian who managed to practice and live what she claimed to believe. Caitlin reached out and touched so many lives, she cared for a stunningly large extended family, made a difference in the lives of those in her community that were struggling against some of the most dire life circumstances, and chose to look at others without judgement. She embodied kindness and compassion, and in that, she was for me a teacher. She knew and understood that I was a "non-believer," and she never once made me feel dismissed or rejected because of that. She loved the person I am, and it mattered not at all that our beliefs were different.

Our views about our submission were, on the other hand, entirely congruent. We were of one mind when it came to what it meant to belong to the Men we chose to serve. She and I supported one another when others, who didn't understand, attacked our choices and made us question our path. I have missed her phone calls and her emails and her comments here. The world is a lonelier place without her.

Master told me, that caitlin's Master indicates that He will be in our area in the latter part of the summer and will find time to connect with us. He wrote that He will bringing a gift left by caitlin... Hearing all of that, I was once again swept into my sense of loss about my friend, but also mindful of a feeling that she remains, somehow, a presence and a force in my life.


And then it was 8:00, and the children arrived and the day began. Thursday is the day when we take our kids to church for worship first thing in the morning. The heathen in me sometimes struggles with this "going to church" part of my work responsibilities. There are weeks when I wake up on Thursday, and feel just like a pouty two year old -- hands on hips, lip stuck out, totally bent out of shape with having to go to church. Other times, I can find myself in the space, let my spirit get lost in the music, and come to hear with my heart. When that happens, sometimes going to church with a bunch of 12 year olds turns into a mystical experience.


On this morning, it was as if I was in church with caitlin. All of the music seemed to speak of her, and the scripture pointed to living life for others rather than for oneself. I sat there wrapped up in thoughts of my friend and companion on this journey...


Then, it came the time for the sermon, and the words were about "happiness" and "joy." "Happiness" we were told, is fleeting. It is a feeling that comes and goes depending on what is happening. THINGS can make us happy, but happiness tends to wax and wane with the circumstances and moods of our days and nights. Joy, on the other hand, is quieter and deeper. Joy dwells within us. It isn't transitory.

That all just made sense to me. I am sometimes unhappy. Sometimes, things don't go to suit me. Sometimes, I get worn out or into a moody place and things can seem pretty grim. I can get all wrapped up in feeling whiney and old and just sad -- all kinds of icky feelings... Even as it is going on, even in the midst of it all, I know it isn't permanent, or even real.

Below all of that fussiness, there is something steady and solid and quiet and sure. I live with joy. I know that I am where I ought to be, in exactly the place I was born for. There is nowhere I'd rather be, and no two people in the world with whom I'd rather be. We are creating the world according to our own lights and the vision we share, and it is a very good thing.

That was the major lesson that I learned from my friend, caitlin: She lived with terrible and painful illnesses. Very early in our relationship, after she'd told me about some of her health challenges, I asked her what the future looked like for her in the face of all of that. She very calmly told me that it was likely that she might not have very many years... We never ever talked about it again. We talked of her son and her "little man" and her love of music and her mother. And -- we talked about her absolute joy in the life she shared with her Master. He was her world and her delight. She had days when she was not happy, when she worried and hurt and gave way to frustration, but she never, in all the time I knew her, lost her sense of joy.

swan

BDSM and Poly

A Fetlife writer recently described, as bluntly as I've ever seen anyone do it, a type of polyamorous dynamic that commonly arises when we combine poly and BDSM, in which the Dominant partner has all the options, freedoms, and opportunities that people associate with poly, and the submissive partner does not... The original piece ascribed the "good stuff of poly" to the male/Dominant, and stated that the female/submissive partner ends up unhappy and suffering without any choices or good options. Some of the assumptions made were perhaps a bit of a stretch, but the basic premise isn't that far out of line...

Here's the paradox:

Polyamory is nominally about all parties to the relationship having equal opportunity and equal rights to engage in multiple loving relationships in an open and honest manner. However, by definition, power-based relationships are NOT EQUAL. So, within the context of a relational power dynamic, it is possible that the submissive partner (regardless of gender) may not have the same freedoms or opportunities as the Dominant partner. That will likely be entirely subject to the whims and moods of the Dominant partner. Further, the submissive partner may not be given anything approaching an "equal" say in the creation of additional relationships by the Dominant.

It just ain't fair!

THAT is a fact and reality of the deliberate and conscious establishment of an unequal relational dynamic. It is not, at the root of it all, related to polyamory at all, except that it could impact the way poly is practiced. So, if the facts of the situation are not "making the submissive happy," then it seems to me that the question is about the nature of the power exchange. If that is operating within the context of the agreements between the partners, then there should be no particular surprise with issues arising from the actual polyamory.

Many of the respondents on Fetlife advised this person that, if the poly arrangement was making her unhappy, she should just leave the relationship. I imagine that might be the decision some would come to under the circumstances, but I am not convinced it is the only, or even best, solution to emotional discomfort in a relationship.

I go through this dance on a fairly regular basis. In our world, the nature of the understanding about poly is that He can seek out or take on new relationships when and how He decides to. He might choose to share information about that with T and I -- but He might not, and He doesn't feel any particular obligation one way or the other.

Every single time one of those new relationships begins to germinate, I struggle with a whole myriad of emotions and worries and reactions. It isn't pretty. I worry that He'll like her better than me; that she'll be sexier; that she'll be a better masochist; that He'll get all wrapped up in her, and not have time or space for me anymore; I'll fuss about the use of "our" toys on HER; that I won't have a place anymore; that my home will become "not home" for me anymore. I get stuck in a place where I feel invaded. Often, one of the internal rants that I get wrapped up in goes something like: "Oh sure. He gets to bring in a new chach, and there is no way that I have any opportunity to do likewise. Easy for Him to preach how wrong-headed I am about being jealous when He doesn't ever have to confront it... Grumble, mutter, sputter, pout..."

So, I could have put together the declaration that poly and BDSM often work to put submissives into a situation that is unfair and often miserable. Except that I think that denies the truth that the power exchange defines/creates/insists upon those very inequities, and it IS what I signed on for. Knowing that and accepting that doesn't make my passage through the initial reactive stage of coming to terms with each new relationship easier, but it does help me to believe that I'll work my way through all the messiness and come out the other side still sure of my place and my committment to the relationship that He and I share.

I am resigned, for now, to having to periodically confront my own personal fears and demons with regard to His approach to poly. I know, as I am in the midst of the storm, that the misery is temporary; that I'll be angry and frightened and hurt, but that the emotional turmoil will resolve to something calmer. I know that my wish (in that maelstrom) to see Him have to struggle with the same challenges is one of those places where I kick at the constraints of our dynamic. I also know that being challenged and emotional does not mean that I am actually unhappy at some fundamental level. It means that there is growth occuring. It means that I am learning. It means that I am in a place where I can feel and react and express myself without the fear that He will stop loving me in my messy places.

I know that "vanilla" poly people find that lack of equity to be very disturbing. I've been caught up in several fruitless discussions of this subject. It may simply be a place where our two worlds simply cannot meet and understand one another. It doesn't make poly a bad practice, and it doesn't make BDSM bad either. Doing BDSM and poly together presents its own unique hurdles. Looking at the dynamic really does require us to park our cultural assumptions at the door.

swan

It's a Boy!
My new baby grandson arrived this morning at 5:17 (Mountain Standard Time).
Alexander Matthias (Xander) weighed in at 8 pounds 5 ounces. He is 21 inches long.
Dad, Mom, and baby boy are all fine; tired but happy and well.
Now I just have to hang on until June 11 when I can make the trip west to get my hands on this little dude!

swan

Sometimes Being Poly is Just Funny

We've been paying premiums for Aflac insurance for years. Every now and then the duck coughs up a check for $25.00 or $50.00, which we happily cash, but we've never collected anywhere near what we've paid in. That is, until this last surgical adventure. Between the two surgeries and the hospital days for Master and for T, Aflac finally came through for us. We took the insurance settlement money and used a chunk of it to go shopping for some furniture items that we've been wanting for a very long time. We just figure it is our way of participating in the economic recovery process.

So there we were, the three of us, at our local Ashley Furniture store, in search of two sofas, a couple of nightstands, and a new dining set. We first encountered a sales lady who asked what we wanted, and when we told her, she waved vaguely at the huge space and said, "It's out there somewhere. I'll be glad to help you when you find what you are looking for." BIG mistake on her part.

So, we wandered for a bit, until another sales person, Walter, spotted us and came to see if he could help us. Turns out Walter is a heck of a sales pro. He stuck to us like glue, affably wandering with us from place to place, showing us whatever it was we told him we were interested in. Too, Walter was a talker. He and Master got into a running conversation about this and that, and were just like a couple of long-lost best buddies. Walter seemed absolutely convinced that he knew Himself from somewhere...

Shopping with the crew of us is a little like herding cats. T tends to wander off and then come scooting back with news of whatever she's found. Master is highly distractable in a big shopping environment, and so tends to carrom from one thing to another. It looks pretty random if you aren't clear about how His mind works. Me? I hate to shop with a passion, and so I tend to wander along behind Master, resignedly enduring the sensory overload that hits me the moment I walk through the door of the place.

Walter, as it turns out, is a retired cop. He doesn't miss much, and he spent a whole lot of time with the bunch of us. Finally, as we were parked on the sofa that was to become T's, happily bantering back and forth, our sales guy just couldn't resist it any longer. He looked at T and I, and then looked at Master and asked the $64 million dollar question: "Which one of them are You with?" Master just shrugged and replied, "Both of them."

Walter sputtered for a minute, but recovered quickly, and then asked Him, "How the heck do You pull that off?!?!?" From that point on, things got seriously zany as he became quite convinced we were the most interesting and intriguing bunch he'd dealt with in a very long time. Because the things we purchased are technically being delivered to two addresses, there had to be two transactions, and as it turns out, there is more furniture coming to "my" side than to T's. Walter clearly found that to be a mental stretch -- "Did we really mean for the other woman to get more out of this transaction than the WIFE?" He didn't ask, however. Just shook his head and rang it all up.

We had a great time imagining the conversations that our friend was likely to have with the other sales staff (especially with the gal who blew us off), and later with Mrs. Walter as he described the really big sale he made to the crazy family of three...

swan

Absolute Dominance

Many of our readers have been following along on our recent journey through the trials and tribulations of bariatric surgery and the subsequent recovery. We are now working our way, as a partnership, back to something closer to what seems like "normal" to us, and that process is not as simple as I imagined it would be. Somehow, in spite of experiences with previous surgical recoveries for both of us, I think I believed that there would come a day when we could just "flip the switch" and it would all be back in place. Now, I understand that I was indulging in fantasy with that belief, but I just wasn't prepared for how long it was going to take ME to get myself back after the surgery -- Him, yes, but not me...

But power-based relating is about the balance that is created when two partners choose to deliberately and consciously manipulate the power and energy that exists between them in relationship. He and I have been doing it for some years now, so we have some knowledge and experience between us. In particular, He brings a great depth of experience to our dynamic, and He knows me so well, that there is very little that happens with me that He doesn't see and understand. The Dominance that He practices, with regard to me, is almost reflexive and instinctive, and as such it becomes over-arching and all encompassing. It happens almost as naturally as breathing...

Here's one of those rare places where He actually writes with so much amazing insight and depth about the internal process of His thinking and decision making --

I ... was tempted ... to follow through on (Amber's) suggestion ... I pride myself on having a sense of when this sort of discipline would be constructive ... spanking her so severely, it may well have been a significant interruption of her internal monologue ... that derailed her previous thought process to the extent that a void remained ... that had to be replaced with a new thought stream. ... significantly change someone's internal belief system by ... severely blistered by someone who knew what he was doing and with whom they had a very intensive love ... I was performing a role and technique I had perfected ... to reach out to someone I loved and communicate that I would no longer tolerate her harming herself and thus hurting me ... I have felt that swan's and our current situation is different ... for a couple of months ... our power exchange has been temporarily intentionally reversed ... Our power exchange is seminal to our relationship, our love, and her security at a level that approaches spirituality ... suspension of this key dynamic ... in the interest of caring for me and of becoming aggressive advocate to have me well cared for after my surgery ... is confusing for her ... and has required her to sacrifice this dynamic that nurtures her soul and reinfices her security. She is trying to regain her orientation now ... My instincts now, and so far, have not lead me to that approach ... for now I am letting her work her way through this without my "rebooting" her ... I am sure what my decision is ...

I think that, in that small bit, there is a primer for those who believe that they are Dominant, and who would conceive of relating in this fashion with another. There is quiet assurance, and intense awareness, and careful consideration of what is good and needed. This is not a Dominance that looks to physical power to underpin it. This is Dominance that understands the roots and applications of power, and which stands calmly in the face of its own nature.

Too, for me, there is wisdom to be gained by those who would choose to submit to someone who is worthy to hold that power in their hands. Too often, submissive women seek the man who is physically powerful, handsome, someone with "the voice" and "the look" that bespeaks Dominance. The less obvious attributes are easy to overlook I suppose. Experience and knowledge and personal integrity and self-assurance are harder to see, harder to quantify, perhaps not as "storybook" style appealing. They are, however, from my perspective, the most important, most critical and irreplaceable prerequisites to successful power exchange.

He is, for me, Master. He is my rock and my safe harbor. He is the One that I trust and turn to when I am feeling small, worn, scared. He brings me to my best self and keeps me safe and strong and centered. He is the model of what I believe Dominance is and should be, and I am proud to be His.

swan

M/s and Marriage "Proposals"

Kaya pointed me to a discussion on Fetlife about marriage proposals and Master/slave relationships. I've been absent from Fetlife, by choice, for a long while, but this has intrigued me enough to take me back there at least for now.

Beyond all of that, I am caught by the discussion of precisely how it might be that a Master would or should approach a slave regarding the question of marriage. The whole lengthy discussion appears to revolve around whether a Master can legitimately order a slave to marry, or whether marriage should be presented as a choice -- even though within the M/s dynamic the slave makes "no other choices." Opinions seem to vary widely. Imagine! Much of the wrangling, however, seems to pivot on some sort of distinction between the legal validity (and assumed permanence) of the marriage relationship compared to the perceived validity of the Master/slave relationship.

I think, as I contemplate this, that there are layers and layers of assumptions here that have not been examined, but which underpin the various contentions that people are making. Without understanding the notions that are fueling the fire, there's no way to untangle the confusion.

We live in a culture that views marriage in a very monolithic fashion. All of the language surrounding the act of marrying, carries deeply embedded meanings that we almost all share. That is the reality that allows the religious right in this country to define and hijack the debate about marriage equality with barely a challenge to the assumptions that they make. Theirs are assumptions that we nearly all share in a sort of unexamined, mob mentality, cultural, fuzzy-headed romanticism. It is all grounded in "happily ever after" fairy tales, and sappy Carpenter's musically invoked "We've Only Just Begun" imagery.

We believe, without any question, that it is the dream and the destiny of each one of us to engage in the dating and courtship dance that ends with the bended-knee proffering of the stunning diamond solitaire leading to a Lacy confectioner's sugared dress walk down the aisle with a handsome fellow in a classy tux. Cakes, flowers, limos, music, dancing, and all the rest are a shared fantasy that we don't even discuss because it just is the way it is supposed to be. There is an entire multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on our "marriage" dreams.

And, of course, participating in all of that folderol means that we are completely, totally, utterly in love and devoted to one another; going to be together forever; safe within the confines of marriage; never again to be plagued or worried about having to "go it alone" in the world of sex and relating.


If marriage is, then, such a huge step, and really the culmination of our personal journeys into adulthood, then it MUST be that the decision to marry or not is the single biggest decision any one of us will ever make. The marriage "proposal," wrapped as it is in tradition and history and expectation is really a short hand "conversation" about taking two lives that have, to this point in time, traveled their separate paths and setting them onto a single path from which there is no permissible deviation. Doing the proposal "right" is about acknowledging the customs and beliefs and expectations of the entire society. To do less; to eliminate the romance and dreaminess of the event is to deny the bride to be of her rights; her choice; her entire person hood. Simply shameful!


Of course, we all know that the "happily ever after" part of that story doesn't happen for all of us, or even most of us. But then, we also know that the "white lace and promises" part is an illusion in many cases too. Even in our culture, people marry for all kinds of reasons. Being "in love" is only one of them, and even that is often mixed into a stew of agendas, plans, and schemes that have very little to do with loving the partner. We marry for greed, for expedience, for appearance, for status, for security, for escape. We live inside of those marriages with whatever skills and personal relational talents we've brought to the bargain, and it sometimes works for every one's good. When it doesn't, we make decisions and choices about emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy, fidelity, persistence, and the meaning of vows that were made as much for show as for any other reason. What do the latest statistics tell us about divorce and cheating and spouse abuse and all the rest of the plagues that beset the institution that zealots would tell us is the very heart and fabric of our society?

Far too many of us buy the stories we've been told about marriage. Too many of us believe with an unshakable ferocity that marriage is "between one man and one woman," and that it has ALWAYS been that way. Our marriage myths are held in absolute contravention of the factual realities. What is true about marriage in our culture is that it derives its essential nature from the laws put forth by Roman emperors, and from policies promulgated by the catholic church as a mechanism to increase its own wealth and power.

In much the same way, there are a whole set of societal assumptions about those who practice BDSM, and when that practice reaches what some see as the "extreme" level of Master/slave, then the assumptions can get pretty wild.

The perceptions that most people have about BDSM are formed in large part by lurid and sensationalized material put forth for an audience that buys pornography. Just as the "vanilla" porn industry has little or no relationship to real life vanilla intimacy, BDSM porn doesn't come close to showing the truth of BDSM relationships. That is the fact, but it is very hard to overcome those entrenched and vivid images of Dommes with whips and serial murderers who go by the name of "Slave Master."

It is really pretty simple. "Normal" people tend to assume that BDSM practitioners are just perverts; sick fucks who don't form caring, committed relationships. And, our language is highly evocative. Tell someone that you are a "slave," or that You own a "slave," and that will surely elicit a visceral response. People who bother to discuss it at all will tell you that "slavery is not legal." Really. They will point to the fact that beginning such a relationship is a choice and that remaining in such a relationship is a choice, and that given that there are choices, there is no slavery involved. Don't you know that you are just playacting in an elaborate pretend scenario?
Never mind that SOME M/s folks really do have an intense connection that lasts for a lifetime. They're the ones who cannot live without each other and would not want to, for whom every action is made with an innate understanding of the other. It isn't "real."

I'd disagree. I do disagree. This is quite sincerely real. But that isn't the point here.

In the end there remains the question: can a Master order His slave to marry? Should He? Is the marriage proposal the ONE place where the M/s protocol should fall away and the "right" to make a choice be re-instated?

I come down on the side of those who say NO. The Master/slave commitment, where it is already in place, is all-encompassing and permanent. It is without the usual caveats that attach to most relational commitments (including marriage). Slaves don't promise to obey and serve when and however doing so pleases them, and Masters don't promise to never ask for or demand anything that might challenge the slave.

A marriage proposal, put forward as a non-proposal; in fact put in the form of command -- removes the thrill of romance, perhaps. The command encapsulates the legal commitment that is not recognized in the existing relationship, and refuses to acknowledge that there is any choice in the imposition of that legal status. To require a slave to enter into marriage conveys certain legal advantages on the partners; works to preserve and protect the integrity of the relationship; recognizes that marriage is a contract. For those already engaged in the contractual relationship that is the Master/slave dynamic, the layering on of an additional contract should pose no hurdle at all.

In the end, there is no refusal right granted to the slave. Maybe for some, there will be difficulty in this kind of a scenario -- a mourning for the wedding frippery that other girls get to have. Oh well. Life is like that. Belonging is better than a silly fluff of a dress any old day.

swan

Re-Booting

When I got to fussing about the "Sexy Blogger Awards," Amber wrote the following comment:

"If I were Tom ... I'd tie you up on that coffee table, give you the following mantra to repeat, "I am a beautiful, sexy woman and my Master loves me" and beat your ass every time you don't say it and say it like you mean it. Every day until it became second nature for you to believe it."

Now. My first reaction to that bit was that I hate it when slaves and submissives try to set each other up, and behave as if that behavior is cute or clever or somehow funny. But ... then I calmed down fairly quickly and I really do believe that Amber intended to be helpful and constructive in offering this bit of advice for Himself.

Actually, that approach is one that He used to use with me on a pretty regular basis. He would refer to it as "rebooting," just like one might do with a wayward computer. Generally, rebooting was His response when He would perceive that I was engaged in self-talk that was self-denigrating and emotionally harmful to my well-being.

"Rebooting" always felt just brutal to me. Those sessions were not "technically" punishment in the absolute sense, but there was a serious disciplinary intent to them. He meant to create change, and He meant to make an impression. With all of that in play, I generally came off a "rebooting" session with intense bruising and welts, and as my skin grew more and more likely to break and bleed from spanking, it was not uncommon for there to be significant blood splatter when it was all over and done with.

I am sure that I must have written about those events here or at The Swan's Heart, but I can't seem to find any reference to them, so maybe not... It is just that I really think that there were people who commented about it -- who were often shocked and appalled at the whole idea. There were people who were quite serious about telling me that it was not possible to spank someone into changing their internal belief system. How can it be that I remember comments to posts that seemingly never existed? Hmmmm...

Anyway. There has not been a "rebooting" in a really long time. I'd like to say that He convinced me that negative self-talk is something I just don't ever do, but that is really not the case. I can still get pretty down on myself by times. I think that it is much more a matter of His adjusting what He does with me to accommodate my changing capacities. He is surely naturally inclined to be sadistic, and He remains entirely Dominant with me, but He also loves me; wants the best for me; does not want to cross some line that would put Him in the position of feeling that He was harming or abusing me. I don't know if He made some conscious decision at some point, or if it was just the way things evolved between us. I only know that it is what it is now.

So, thanks for the thought, Amber. Not a new idea around here -- maybe just something that has gone the way of other things that were part of our lives when we were both younger. I don't know... don't really have to know.

swan

Feral

The surgery was seven weeks ago. The recovery is coming along pretty well at this point and things are coming back to the way life should be. Both Master and T are feeling stronger each day, and while we still are coping with what kinds of foods are best for them both, we are learning quickly.

He is moving back His accustomed role and mode with me, and that is exactly what I've been waiting for and longing for all these weeks.

Except that I am feeling as if I can't come "back in." I am feeling stuck in hyper-vigilant, control-freak mode. I am so tired and so worn out, and I just can't seem to let go and relax back into place. A feral creature is defined as having escaped from domestication and become wild. That's a really good description of where my head seems to be... just wild and unable to remember the more "tame" nature that I left behind to try and make it all work through this.

I snarl and snap at the least perceived slight.

I get my feelings hurt over things that I can't even name.

My collar lays on the counter in the bathroom, and I can't seem to bring myself to put it on.

I am working my way through our sessions by telling myself over and over that "I am nothing but a slave." It keeps me calm, but leaves me feeling sad and hopeless.

We make love, but I have once again lost just about all my sexual responsiveness.

I know this is something going on inside my mind. It isn't like the depression I once fought my way through, but it does feel like I've gotten sidetracked, and I am lost and afraid -- unsure what I need to do to bring my heart and head back into some kind of harmony and balance.

I'm not looking for anyone to "fix" this, but if I seem quiet, you will know what I'm up to here.

swan

Spanking Intent or Maple V. Ash

It's odd the way unexpected things can serendipitously trigger memories and stories that relate to development of key aspects of your life. I'm beginning to catch up on reading Blogs of friends whose writings I haven't looked at while I've been recuperating from my surgery. One of those that I enjoy is Hermione's Heart. I think Hermione enjoys spanking and is as endlessly drawn to it as I am. A few days ago she wrote a semi-tongue in cheek post exploring the comparative attributes of spanking paddles made of maple vs. ash ("Watch out for Splinters" ). It is not difficult to imagine a Canadian's desire to explore the potential superiority of maple as the prime component of a highly prized implement:) Oddly this triggered a long dusty memory from the early days of my becoming a practitioner of adult consensual spanking.

When I first became serious about focusing on spanking women as a key aspect of my life, I developed a "toy bag." My early toy bag consisted of all manner of everyday things, intended for other purposes, diverted to the end of spanking friends and paramours. There were the classic ping pong paddles, tomato stakes, and lovely brown very slender, whippy plastic rods that lawn spray companies left in our lawn with warning tags on them when they sprayed our lawn with chemicals. There were mixing spoons, and a wooden slapper, that was actually a percussion implement from an orchestra, used to make the sound of a whip crack (Jingle Bells) or even a gun shot. It was shaped very like a paddle, and I glued the two slats of hinged wood that were intended to smack together, so they formed a solid slender paddle about 3/4of an inch thick. The unfortunate women whom I spanked with it frequently howled and cried. I was too new to realize it would always leave dark, deep, lasting bruises on the bottoms it smacked. I learned that (I wish sororities and fraternities would learn this) 3/4 inch thick dense wood is not a spanking paddle, but a club, and should not be used to strike human buttocks, unless you are desirous of harming the people you are hitting as well as inflicting pain. Of course, too, there were several belts: belts that were meant to hold up pants not spank bottoms, and so on. I had visited a local lawn and garden farm supply store too, and found a virtual treasure trove. There I picked an actual riding crop, dogging bat, and dressage whip. I am sure most spanking practitioners go through this early stage of gathering everyday "stuff" which they have long fantasized about using to administer spankings, into a supply of "spanking implements."

As my experience, and eventually my training and development evolved, it occurred to me that a key aspect of how a bottom partner experienced a spanking was the intent of the spanker. The effect of the spanker's intent on a spankee's resulting experience is an undeniable truth. Thus, it occurred to me, that if one used a strap, or paddle, or whip, or rod, that was specifically designed, and fabricated for the express purpose of inflicting corporal punishment, then that fundamental aspect of the spanking, the implement used, would communicate and enhance the crucial "spanking intent" dynamic.

I began collecting professional quality spanking implements. Included were my very first floggers, whips, canes, straps, and last, but totally not least (in fact most:) my favorite spanking implement genre....PADDLES. Early on there was the question of how to find spanking products. The Internet was not as developed as it is today nor were the spanking community's businesses.

I came to know about Hanson Paddle Company. I am not sure if I discovered Hanson via a referral from someone, or if I simply encountered them online. Hanson Paddle manufactured a wide variety of high quality spanking paddles: paddles composed of all sorts of woods and synthetic materials, in every shape and size, with and without holes. I was still married in a totally vanilla marriage with a wife who wasn't open to missionary position sex, let alone consensual spanking, so there was the question of where to have online purchased materials delivered. I used my then office and made sure that I timed my orders so the deliveries would arrive on Friday or the weekend. These were times when I could get to the mail before anyone else and pull my deliveries out before they were discovered. (Hmmm......why would the Executive Director have ordered two or three different full size spanking paddles of different woods and some sort of clear acrylic material? Wouldn't that have been sweet to try to explain?).

As I embarked on all this, I found myself confronted by an array of options. Paddles of various sizes, shapes, woods, and a synthetic called lexan, that I became fascinated with(and am to this day)were among the options for me to choose from. I had not the experience to make an informed choice. Hanson Paddle Company published their phone number on their website. I phoned, and lo and behold, none other but the guru of paddles and spanking technique, John Hanson, answered the phone. He was as personable as an old friend I was renewing a relationship with.

In one of my prospective acquisitions I was considering ordering a classic Spencer-style full sized paddle of Hard Rock Maple. I've always had a thing for maple. I love maple flavor, and especially pure maple syrup (something my health has not permitted me to eat for a dozen years or more.) Likely this is my Canadian heritage bleeding through. I inquired of John Hanson about the attributes of a maple spanking paddle. He told me the wood was beautiful, dense, and heavy, but there was one characteristic that could be a problem. You see, Maple tends to shear along the grain with impact. It was not uncommon for maple paddles to split and break length-wise. Link to our post about our broken paddle. I asked about a better alternative and he told me ash was a better and more resilient option. I purchased a half inch thick Spencer-style ash paddle with holes, a paddle I still own proudly today. I have used that paddle a great deal and it is totally resilient. I don't use it much any longer preferring lighter, thinner (often synthetic) paddles today, which create greater sting, less thud, and a great deal less bruising and potential for skin breakage.

So yes, Hermione, they do make ash paddles, and they are functionally superior to maple. It is interesting that major league baseball has come to learn what John Hanson could have told them long ago. Baseball bats of maple will break readily on impact and ash bats will endure impact.

Hermione, you see, your frivolous maple vs. ash paddle post sent me down a memory maze that has enabled me to write my first post-surgical spanking related post.

All the best to everyone,

Tom

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

Captive to a Stereotype

I have become entirely caught up in the cascade of responses that were evoked in me by being included in the "sexy blogger" award rage that is currently passing through our corner of cyberspace.

My initial reaction was simply, that's nice but it doesn't make any sense because I am clearly not in the same place as all the cute young things that are working this one. Sometimes I really do feel like the old lady on the block... wouldn't you all like to come in and have some tea and look at my doilies?

Then, my move to say, "Thanks but no thanks," was met with protests from a number of commenters -- all working to assure me that "sexy" is in the mind after all. It's a nice sentiment, driven by great kindness, but it doesn't work for me. It puts me right back to my gangly, awkward adolescence when I was known as "very bright," but clearly not "date bait."

So I suppose I have fallen victim to sexual and gender stereotyping that would likely get me divested of my feminist membership card, but the truth is that I know what I think of when someone says, "that is one sexy woman." The images that statement evokes haven't got one thing to do with all those positive attributes that people tried to lay on me...

So, maybe what I'm really stuck with here is a "linguistic" variance of the same caliber as those discussions of what words like "slave" or "ownership" or "property" mean. For me, "sexy" means something very specific, and for right or wrong, that is about a physical presentation in the world. I am simply not able to get to that place where being a really good cook or an excellent musician or a really accomplished homemaker becomes "sexy."

Language is like that. For all of us. The words we use are symbols that we use to designate meaning and sense. We build language out of shared meanings, and those meanings are evocative of our sense of the thing itself. So, if we designate some object as "tree," we are using the linguistic symbol to represent the actual botanical organism. Our ability to comprehend what is meant by the word, is deeply rooted in our senses with regard to the trees we have encountered over time. That means that, in my mind, the word tree evokes images of majestic, dark, brooding evergreens, but the same word may bring up images of tall, slender palms against a tropical sky for someone else. We generally cross over one another's meaning "senses," and we come to generally encompass a wide collection of images for each of the language symbols we use. However, when our experiences diverge too widely, we run into trouble because we absoluetly believe what our senses tell us about the content of the term in question. When that occurs, nothing will dissuade us from that point of view and our ability to communicate breaks down.

Burned into my consciousness, is the experience of being physically awkward, gangly, too tall, unpopular, buck-toothed, pimply-faced, outcast. Bright, serious, and shy, but never the one who got invited to parties, and never ever asked to a prom or a home-coming. I saw girls, and later women who were defined and described as "sexy" and "hot," and they were completely alien creatures from my vantage point. I knew, from early on, that I'd never join the ranks of the sexy, genetic stars that glimmered so far beyond my reach.

Don't use that word to describe me. It doesn't fit. I don't feel it, don't believe it, don't like it. It makes me feel snarly and frustrated and as if the joke is at my expense somehow.

Or perhaps I'm just feeling grumpy and out of sorts. Maybe I'm raining on everyone's parade for no reason. That's possible. I think this was meant to be fun, and it really does feel to me like there is very little about life that is fun or light-hearted. I'm experiencing this as work, as serious, as very real. There's no playfulness in any of this for me just now. I can feel that that is my problem and not being caused by anyone else. It is reactive on my part. I apologize. Maybe try me again later?

swan

It has been going around. One of those things. You know -- it gets started somewhere, and the requirement to play is that you do this or that or the other thing and then tag 3 or 4 or 5 or more of your very best blog-world friends.

Sometimes these chain-y things are sort of interesting, and it is really a good way for each of us to recognize one another and offer support and encouragement and affirmation. Those are all good outcomes from this sort of interaction.

So, I really do appreciate the thought that led Carrie Ann at A View From The Floor to include me in the "Sexy Blogger Awards." Thank you, Carrie!

But, NO. I am not going to play on this one. I could maybe feel flattered and charmed, except that "sexy" is just not part of the repertoire anymore, AND having a great piece of "flogging furniture" does not make ME sexy. It just means that I have a coffee table that causes the grandparent types who sometimes visit my home to question what the idea behind it all ever was...

It is easy to find the definition for the word "sexy." Mirriam-Webster's gives the definition: seductive or stimulating, interesting or attractive. There. You see? Stop for just a minute, and get a clear picture in your mind...

Which of you had the very clear image of a 54-year old, parochial school teacher? Anyone? No. I didn't think so.

That's because "sexy" implies someone with youthful curves and perkiness and eager freshness. To be "sexy" there has to be some internal, personal belief that it is possible to become sexually responsive. That business of being "sexy" is about being sure and confident of one's own femininity. To show up as "sexy," a person has to know and believe that they are "hawt." I'm not.

I'm strong, and I'm healthy, and I'm a hard worker and a decent cook. I earn my keep, and I can hold up my end of a conversation. I've got curves, but I'm carrying a few extra pounds and a lifetime of gravity is starting to take its toll. My skin isn't bad thanks to a lifelong tendency to burn which has kept me out of the sun for the most part. I am not dreadful to look at (I hope), but I am not "sexy" by any definition of the word.

So, thanks for stopping by, but no awards here this week.

swan

Polyamory Observations #15

I received an email last weekend from someone who has known our family from before we WERE family. She wrote wondering about "poly" issues, and having made that response, I have not been able to let it go entirely. I can't shake the feeling that there is something worthy in the responses that I made over the weekend -- something that might be shared with others who are thinking about changing their lives radically to begin a poly relationship.

The short version of our story is that when we met, we were two couples living 1200 miles apart in Cincinnati and Denver. We first connected online in a couple of Internet chat rooms dedicated to the practice of domestic discipline. I was married to the father of my children. T was collared to Master. We began a conversation on line that was, initially, driven largely by my growing curiosity about BDSM and its relationship to domestic discipline. He was remarkably cordial, patient, and tolerant of my questions. Over a period of two years, we came to know one another very well. We traveled to visit in one another's homes. We played together. We spent hours and hours and hours on line and on the phone. In time we came to be in love, and to believe it was the right thing for us to come together and be a family. There is plenty more of detail and nuance and growth and feeling to that story, but that outline will suffice for the purposes I have in mind here.

Saying all of that like that makes it all seem easy. In fact, there were parts of our evolution into the family that we are today that were very easy and great fun. We learned about one another as we went along, and that journey formed the foundation of our lives together; shaped our memories and family traditions, and gave us a basis for managing our lives. On the other hand, there have been parts of this that have been difficult or challenging. We've wrestled with combining households, finances, schedules, careers, goals, families, traditions. We've had to work through all sorts of "details" that any other folks might have to address in any committed relationship -- except every interaction impacts the three of us, and that multiplies the complexity. We haven't just skated along all happy and sunny. Most telling, perhaps was my divorce from my husband of 27 years. The end of my marriage didn't arise FROM our poly, but it was likely driven by it. The marriage should have dissolved long before it did, but the event was painful nevertheless.

So, when we talk about our poly household, and our poly lifestyle, we've got the chops. We've paid our dues, and we've worked out all sorts of wrinkles. We know at least some of what this entails.

My correspondent has a husband and children -- those "children" are not babies, toddlers, or even school-agers. They are likely in their late teens or perhaps twenties. She is younger than I am, by a good bit. She told me that she'd met a couple on line; that they'd known each other "for awhile;" and that recently they'd met face to face for drinks. The outcome of that meeting was that she and they have come to believe that they are deeply and emoionally bonded to each other and should be together for life. She is also intrigued with the prospect of becoming sexually intimate with both of them. She is contemplating a cross-country move to be with these people. She hasn't discussed any of this with the husband. She wondered if I could give her some ideas or advice about how to proceed.

I did that. I haven't heard back from her since. I guess she didn't like what I had to say. That's a pity, but here is the blunt truth of this from my perspective -- for her, but for anyone else who is thinking about "poly," and believing that it will all be easy and simple:

1) New Relationship Energy (NRE) is a very real and very potent force. It makes people crazy, and it makes them stupid more often than not. When a relationship is very new, it is filled to overflowing with excitement. Infatuation is a dangerous thing because we simply do not see clearly when we are infatuated with someone -- or someones. Too, in the throes of NRE, it is common for a person to look at an existing relationship and see it as dull, boring, tired or tiresome, lacking in romance, and maybe even expendable. When we are all wrapped up in NRE, it is nearly impossible to remember the time when we felt that same excitement for our existing partner. Judgements made in the midst of NRE are often faulty.

2) Polyamory is, by definition, a relationship model that is grounded in honesty and openess. If you are practicing polyamory, all your partners and potential partners are included in the information loop. Everybody involved knows what you are about, and everyone has standing to feel the way they feel about that. You are not responsible for anyone's emotional reaction, although you may care, but you are not entitled to work to short-circuit their ability to react. If you are lying (by omission or comission), if you are hiding, if you are sneaking or going behind a partner's back, if you are keeping secrets, if you are actively cheating, if your partner is left out, discounted, or excluded, then what you are doing is NOT polyamory. There are names for that sort of behavior, but it never even approaches being polyamory. Lack of honesty will kill your existing relationship, and likely eventually, the habit of dishonesty will poison the ground for all your relationships.

3) If you have come to the conclusion that you are really "done with" your current relationship, the responsible and mature (and ultimately kindest) thing to do is to clean up the details of ending that relationship. Do that as directly and as gently as you possibly can, but do it. Polyamory (or the pretext of being polyamorous) should not be used as a wedge to drive off the current partner that you are angry with, or bored with, or whatever.

4) Deciding to enter into a long distance relationship of any kind is a serious undertaking. Long-distance relating is terribly hard. There are people who do it and do it well. They make the choices, make the sacrifices, pay the costs, and reap the rewards. But, it is not a life choice for the weak or selfish.

5) If entering into a new relationship means that you must move some distance, think very carefully. Deciding to move away from your home and your community to start over new someplace else is a very big deal. Leaving the place that you have your roots is wrenching. We seldom recognize all the ties we have to a place. There are favorite hangouts, and friends, and jobs, and familiar patterns. The places where we live have sounds and smells and a particular play of light and shadow that cannot be duplicated in another locale. Missing the old place is almost always part of moving to a new place (even if the new place has charms and delights of its own). And, missing the old place can go on for a really long time. Becoming attached and rooted someplace new takes time and the adjustment is exhausting.

6) Not everyone that we meet on line is honest about who they are. People sometimes lie. Surprise! If the thought is that there will be a joining of lives and loves, there are practical considerations. Things like housing and income and insurance and bills and the like must be considered. I'd suggest investigating potential new partners fairly carefully. Background checks, and references, and sexual histories, and STD testing are all things to think about BEFORE making the leap into the deep waters of fulltime, live-in relating. I didn't do that, and I've had no regrets, but that doesn't mean I was wise or careful or sensible.

7) Living in a poly world is not easy. I think that people who first encounter the notion think that it is all about lots of sex and lots of choices and lots of variety. Maybe that happens for some people, and maybe it really does work out, but living in poly relationships is hard, and all that imagined sexiness can get buried in the realities of negotiating all the relational dynamics. Living day to day in a multi-partner relationship requires huge effort and energy. Everyone involved has to take responsibility for their own stuff. The communication has to be clear and open and consistent. You have to talk to each other about things even when you don't want to -- especially when you don't want to. You cannot duck the hard things. You can't always get what you want. No one can. So you have to be sure about what you will feel like and what you will do when your own wants and needs get put on hold for the benefit of someone else. There are great potential gains to choosing a poly relationship dynamic, but there are costs as well.

I have a friend who refers to "Pollyanna Poly's." They are the ones who will wax poetic about the joys of poly. I am not one of those. I love my partners, and I wouldn't trade our life for the world, but I wouldn't recommend this as a choice for most people. So, I guess I'm not the person to ask if you are wanting the "seal of approval" on your plans to stand your life on its head for a chance to become poly. If poly grabs you by the throat and won't let you go, then you should do your best to figure it out. Otherwise, there are way easier ways to get through life.

swan