Ohhhhhh -- I Don't Know What I Want!

Yesterday was a terrible day.

I was a grouch. Almost from the beginning to end. Almost.

I wanted. Something. Something that I was not getting. And I was not gracious about it.

We rolled out of bed early (for a weekend/holiday morning), and got busy getting ready to walk. Have I mentioned that this walking thing is getting to be an OBSESSION? We are walking 5.12 miles every single day -- or just about every single day. It has to pour rain or there have to be plagues of locusts or maybe the firstborn sons of all the Egyptians have to die for us to not strap on the shoes and hit the road. Really. I wanted ... something. And walking was not it.

And then I hauled all the trash to the dumpsters. Not "it."

Folded laundry. Not "it."

Changed the cat box. Not "it."

Cleaned up all the spots on the carpet where the cat puked. Not "it."

Did the dishes and straightened the kitchen. Not "it."

Went through the closet and made sure that all the now "too big trousers" were appropriately bagged up and ready to go to the Goodwill. Not "it."

I graded papers and finished planning for the school week. I recorded all those grades. I wrote my weekly parent memo, and after inputing all the parent email addresses, I got that sent out. I updated my teacher website. And that was all good stuff, but still not it.

I kept thinking that I wanted a spanking. And I kept wondering if there might eventually be some time for us, for that... he'd promised lots of spanking over the long weekend, but life is so busy, and there just never seems to be the kind of time we hope for. The day went on and on and on, and IT just didn't happen.

Finally, we got to bedtime. By then, I was figuring IT was just not going to happen. Whatever IT was.

And when I get to that point -- figuring that there is always time for everything else, then I start to figure that it is really just because I am too ____________________ (fill in the blank), and He really just doesn't want me anymore. I get pitiful... after all, it sucks to want more than you are wanted. Really.

One of the benefits to all this healthy living, though, is that He comes to bed sober. Unimpaired. Entirely able to do whatever might come into His mind. And that was the way it went down last night. Of course.

I'd spun myself into the darkest dismal depths, and all of the sudden, He wants to turn me up over a pillow and go after me with the anniversary paddle. And I can hear Him back there talking to Himself, and saying, "This is going to be so good tonight."

And I just came unglued. All the day's pent-up longing and frustration welled up, and I suddenly was overwhelmed with wanting. Wanting what I wanted.

I know it isn't supposed to go that way. I know it is supposed to be about what He wants. I know that what He wants is supposed to be what I want. But, last night -- I just wanted what I wanted. I'm not proud of it, but it is the fact.

That was not a blistering with the anniversary paddle.

All I wanted, when it came down to it was to feel like He loved me as a woman. I didn't want to be hurt. I wanted to be taken to the place where it felt good and sexy and orgasmic, and I wanted it so badly that all I could do was cry and sob and beg. Pitiful.

That's when the amazing Man that is Master, gave me the gift of an evening of plain old, garden-variety, sort of vanilla sex play. He pulled me in close, held me tight, and teased and tantalized until I finally hit the peak and fell over the other side.

He very patiently worked His way through to an aroused state (even though that vanilla thing doesn't do it for Him) and let me love Him.

And we curled up and went to sleep together.

It wasn't the way that "everybody" says it is supposed to be. It wasn't the way that I expect it to be. I doubt that it would go that way one time in a hundred. Last night though, for me, it was exactly what I needed. It left me quiet and grateful and able to let go of the fussiness of the day.

swan