What's What and Who's Who

There's a rumbling sort of discourse going on in our cyber-neighborhood. Kaya started it I think, although I believe she was responding to comments made originally on Fetlife. She followed it up with a second post, and then morningstar picked up the theme. The general drift is that the definition of "submissive" has to do with whether or not there exists at some level the capacity to stop or refuse a particular activity, especially through the use of a safe word. Does it count as submission, people are wondering, if there is never anything that pushes beyond what we want to do? My sense is that this is a conversational variant of the "twue submissive" wrangle. We seem to get wrapped up in this one on a regular basis -- asking ourselves and one another, "Who is real? Who is a pretender?"



I've watched this latest confab with some bemusement. I wonder that people find so much to say on this topic, and it never fails to amaze me that so much passionate feeling gets poured into these conversations that really seem most akin to a dog chasing its tail. I can't imagine that any one of us has ever managed to convince any other one of us that our way was "right" and their way was "wrong." Nevertheless, it never fails that this discussion elicits great outpourings of our most closely held beliefs about our own lives and the lives of those we know around this circle.



For my part, I honestly do not care. People will continue to do whatever it is that works for them, and in the absence of any sort of lifestyle labelling authority (LLA?) most will pick the designation that suits them. There are simply too many variations, and too many variables, for us to be able to assign meaning to words like submissve/slave (or Dominant/Master) in the definitive sense that attaches to more vanilla relationship words like husband and wife. In the vanilla domain, we all understand the rituals and legal mumbo-jumbo that confers the status of wife or husband, and we are all aware that the standing does not necessarily evaporate if one fails to perform in particular ways -- refusing to iron shirts, or to provide sexual gratification. There's no socially sanctioned way into our alternative kind of relationships, no specific and elaborate and prescribed rituals that we all recognize and understand.

When it comes to recognizing and formalizing relationships, we do it ourselves for ourselves in the kinky community; and so our relationships are defined by us rather than for us. As a consequence, anyone can grab any label they like and wear it around for all to see. If it really doesn't fit well, that might be apparent to those who look in from the outside, but that fact won't necessarily impact the perception of those who are "in it."

Some of us, seeing the naked emperor status of some in the lifestyle, simply shrug and wander on. Others though, seem compelled to point out the obvious, and then work to make sure that everyone conforms to whatever their personal vision might be. I think it is a very natural outgrowth of our all too human urge to judge and rank one another. I've spoken before about our compulsive drive to establish where each of us is in the "pecking order."

I'm no different than anyone else in this regard. I've got a lifetime supply of personal judgement criteria that I apply to just about everyone that comes into view in my world.

I judge people that I don't know a thing about, and I do it from some unexamined level of mental functioning that feels almost instinctive:

• Adult with a screeching child in the checkout line at the store = someone who needs a good parenting class or two or three or...
• Giant SUV driving down the highway with a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker = some conservative, asshat that I want nothing to do with
• Cute and blonde and young = bimbo, chach, twat
• Loud, foul mouthed adolescent in a public place = clearly badly parented
• Stay at home mommy driving the family mini-van = spoiled, high-society, trophy wife who never had to make it on her own

Yup. I've got a whole list of those kind of mental slots for all the perfect strangers in my world. And if I know something about you, it might get even more brutal. Woe to those parents whose children I teach. By this time of the year, I know more about them than they would likely be comfortable with, and I have most of them sorted out into the "good ones" and the "bad ones."

I judge bloggers too. There are the few that I keep up with, read regularly, enjoy and really feel a connection to. Others are occasional reads IF something they write happens to catch my interest. Some I never, ever look at. If it isn't written pretty well; if the grammar or the spelling is horrible; if the things I read there seem too far fetched to be credible in any reasonable real world that I can conceive of -- I won't invest the time.

It is just the way I am (and I bet I'm not the only one). I'm thinking that I am far too old to change my ways at this point in my life. If I get to know you, and I think you are what you say you are -- submissive, slave, masochist, whatever, then I'll read what you write from that perspective. If you set off the alarms in my head that clue me that you are likely a poseur, I'll walk off and never look back. I won't mourn the loss. I won't ponder what the issue was. I won't spend time trying to justify my decision. It will just be over with and I'll move on. Life is too short and there is only so much energy. I try to invest my time and personal capital with some kind of wisdom.

So, call yourself whatever it is that you think makes sense. I can weigh and balance what I read. I won't point fingers and I won't try to rile everyone up, but I also won't waste my time with those who are not genuine, careful, considered, thoughtful, and insightful.

swan