I feel like I've experienced a significant shift in my feelings about this subject in the context of my own relationship. So, by definition, what I have to say about it applies to me, and perhaps not to anyone else.
For whatever reason, in the last few weeks (or perhaps longer) I have felt myself arriving at a sort of internal calm with regard to the idea that He might not necessarily tell me everything, or share all of what I would once have called "the truth." That has been a point of struggle for us for a very long time. I've insisted that, if He sought out other spanking relationships without my full knowledge and consent, it was pure and simple dishonesty and gave me the "right" to react with righteous anger and indignation. For His part, I think that He has felt that there was no particular "requirement" for Him to tell me anything except what He chose to divulge, and I believe He has felt that sharing details with me has often created more trouble than good. Nothing of any significance has changed within our dynamic with regard to all of that. What has seemed to change is that I am feeling, more and more, as if I just simply do not care. There is no anger or resignation to that for me; I just don't feel like His seeking out "other" spanking relationships has anything at all to do with me or with us. I am finding myself choosing to not follow the white rabbit of fear and insecurity into the thickets of my mind. I've long believed that "trust" is a choice and an active movement, and that feels manifest in my thinking and acting these days.
He tells me that He loves me, and I believe that is true.
He tells me that I am His always and all ways, and I believe that is true.
He tells me that He is not interested in additional love relationships; that He is entirely happy with what we have and are together, and I believe that is true.
He holds my life in His hands. I'd be a fool to allow that to be the case if I did not have complete and entire trust in His loyalty, integrity, and good faith. I gave the control over to Him, and I have come to understand that His control encompasses the potential that He may choose to regulate what information I become privy to. It doesn't matter. I feel safe with Him.
He knows me better than anyone on the planet. He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He knows my capacities and my limitations. He knows what I can do, and what I cannot do. He'll tell me what is important for me to know. He'll protect me if He feels that is appropriate. He'll shelter our love from unnecessary storminess.
I know some are inclined to say that "truth is truth," but it really isn't that simple. Philosophically, linguistically, experientially, there is wide debate and discussion about what exactly is truth. Truth involves both the qualities of faithfulness, fidelity, loyalty, sincerity, veracity, and that of agreement with fact or reality.
In my world, inside of our dynamic, His word defines the fact and the reality. I live my life completely within the boundaries defined by His word and His vision. That is my truth.
What that means, right now, is that if He determines that the girlies who pop up in His world from time to time looking to get their butts beat don't really matter -- then they don't matter. It means that, if I need to know about them, He'll make sure that happens. It means that He can and should and will determine what (if any) relationship will happen between them and me. That seems fine to me. I don't need the drama, the angst, the emotional upheaval. I'm perfectly happy to be able to focus on Him and on us -- to enjoy the new happy, healthy, wonderful life we've begun to construct for ourselves; to serve and to love and to submit; to revel in His ownership and the peace and joy that gives me.
The conventional wisdom is that if I live my life knowing that I am perhaps not given the "whole" truth, then I must be worried, anxious, defended, and on uncertain footing in my relationship. That's a culturally defined view of things, and I understand that it is valid for many. It just isn't the way it has actually worked out for me and for us. I don't have an explanation for how that transformational understanding came about. I only know it has and that being moored safely in these emotionally calm waters feels right and good.
swan
Good for you swan. It's so hard to control jealousy but in a relationship like yours it seems essential if you are going to be happy.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get jealous, and I do sometimes, I tell myself that he has what he wants.
I hope you can keep the calm.
sin
Swan, I find this fascinating. First and foremost, I am happy that you have reached a level of understanding who you are in relation to Him that allows you such profound peace of mind. Indeed, that is to be envied!
ReplyDeleteIn actual fact, i can understand (due to your articulate post!) how you HAVE achieved and WHY that level of contentment; in short, to me it sounds like you KNOW you have your eternal place and as such have no reason to worry. It sounds to me as if you have internalized the reality that despite what else happens in HIs world, your place in his home and heart is secure and loving.
I read Chloe's blog as well and you're right of course, it certainly engenders a great deal of musing!
As trust - and lies - is one of my primary issues at the moment, both these posts have certaintly resonated.
and your truth is also that there is sometimes fear and insecurity in you that rises up for examination, for struggling with, for speaking up about, for being seen, being accepted, and being loved just the same despite what the fear would have you, well, fear.
ReplyDeleteand while the details of our lives, yours & mine, are not the same, in our fundamental humanity, i am delighted to share community with you. you consistently demand nothing less than authentic disclosure, and that keeps life real. life is too short to hide from ourselves.
beautiful swan. thank you for those thoughts.
ReplyDeletemelissa
I began to comment several times. This really had me pondering many things. I finally realized there was no way I could be succinct, so I moved on over to my own blog and wrote a post.
ReplyDeleteYou always stir my thoughts and make me reflect.
Swan,
ReplyDeleteI read both you and Sara and only a handful of other blogs as time permits.
The question of truth and honesty is being addressed in several places, and you seem quite upset with Sara's position.
This is something you wrote just a few mnths ago, and I'd truly like to understand how it is so very different than, 1) what Sara said and/or 2) have/how have your feelings changed/grown since then.
I find you both to be intelligent, thoughtful and analytical as heck, and love reading both places depsite/or perhaps because of the different perspectives you bring 'here'.
Sincerely, T (another one)
"2) Polyamory is, by definition, a relationship model that is grounded in honesty and openess. If you are practicing polyamory, all your partners and potential partners are included in the information loop. Everybody involved knows what you are about, and everyone has standing to feel the way they feel about that. You are not responsible for anyone's emotional reaction, although you may care, but you are not entitled to work to short-circuit their ability to react. If you are lying (by omission or comission), if you are hiding, if you are sneaking or going behind a partner's back, if you are keeping secrets, if you are actively cheating, if your partner is left out, discounted, or excluded, then what you are doing is NOT polyamory. There are names for that sort of behavior, but it never even approaches being polyamory. Lack of honesty will kill your existing relationship, and likely eventually, the habit of dishonesty will poison the ground for all your relationships."
T this really isn't a discussion about S & G. In fact we never mentioned them until their apologists came in to try to "heal the breech." There is nothing about Sara's or anyone else's opinion that is upsetting. Everyone is entitled to an opionion including us. The upset that did occur was in the attitude of absolute infallibility Sara expresses when she encounters attitudes she dislikes or disagrees with. None of this had anything to do with how similar or dissimilar her opionon was to swan's.
ReplyDeleteTom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
T -- The piece you quoted is a reaction that I gave a friend who was seeking to create a "poly" relationship with a couple in another state. She was moving very quickly to establish that relationship while in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy), and she had in no way included her husband in her thinking. He had no idea. The response that I gave to her in that case does, in fact, mirror the general "wisdom" that one finds in poly circles about what does and does not usually work. That is not what I was describing in my opinions voiced in this latest discussion.
ReplyDeleteI have been attempting to address the nature of my power exchange dynamic which is outside the "norms" for vanilla relationships AND for non-power-based poly relationships. Power exchange shifts the assumptions within a relationship, in my opinion. What I have tried to explain is that, while I understand the culturally assumed "preference" for total honesty in intimate relationships (whether or not that really ever actually occurs), I have become comfortable with the level of integrity and personal safety that I experience within my relationship, and I do not any longer insist or particularly expect that "total honesty" will be part of that dynamic.
As for being upset with Sara, I am not upset. I have simply declared that I will no longer tolerate her attitude toward me when I happen to comment somewhere where she also chooses to participate. I am not disrespectful of her or her views, and I won't continue to simply sit quietly while she addresses my every comment in insulting terms.
swan
The deal is you must unalterably never lie, and you must always never love anyone other than your one and only, and you must be married forever and ever until death do you part, and you must love just one god and then only within the context of the one "right" religion, and if you have the good man who will never lie and a marriage that survives decades, then you can tell eveyone else that they are inferior, because you have lived life the one and only way that it is right to do it.
ReplyDeleteThere are really people this delusional, and I have no problem with their lives, their opinions, their choices, any of it until they start telling me how I must live mine, or that their life is superior to mine, and well to everyone's except the select others who they recognize as joining them among the chosen few.
Swan, this really made me think about how I experience truth. There is a big change about to happen in my life with Krishna and perhaps because of this upcoming change, I felt I have been pushing to clarify some communication issues between us. And of course, that is also me pushing to have more control in our relationship which isn't entirely appropriate nor healthy, in fact, I feel like I'm being nit-picky and petty at times. Anyway, your musings on this subject of truth is quite intriguing and has really pushed me in a new direction that makes me question my own sense/preception of "reality" and "what should be". Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRadha
Radha -- I am glad all the words that have poured out here have "helped" you clarify. I would imagine that as your life moves into new realms there will be many more "clarifying" moments. I do think that we each seek to take up or relinquish control in accord with our own levels of comfort and security. I know that, when I am feeling unsure and threatened, I will instinctively clutch at any shred of power I can find. I really believe I am not all that different than anyone else... Don't we all do that?
ReplyDeleteswan